Tag: humor

A Year of New Beginnings

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Begin Again…
http://myvintagevogue.tumblr.com/image/135788260366

Begin Again

Happy New Year! A year of new beginnings for everyone!

It is simply astonishing how mother time literally ‘flies by’ from one day, to a week, to a month, to a new year.

In my opinion, a new year is a time to reflect on the past, and to welcome new beginnings.

Essentially, we all get to begin anew.

A Year of Reflection

As I reflect on 2022, it was a year filled with happiness, sorrow, success and loss.

Surgeries

I underwent three major surgeries and lived to tell the tale.

To be clear, I had a total hip replacement and got a new nose. But wait, that is only two surgeries.

Nose Job

As they say, why have one nose job when you can have two in one year. I opted for the latter choice and had a second nose job in one year.

Why? Why not? Like I have nothing better to do with my time or nose, than to have another surgery under general anesthesia. Omg! Why go on a vacation to Maui, if you can stay at home and have a second nose job surgery in a year.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would have two nose jobs on my virginal 57 year old nose. Really. Like who would? Too bad my second surgery was not featured on the television show ‘Botched’.

I am pleased to say that at 58, the second nose job is the charm. I can finally, finally breathe and received the ‘shiksha goddess’ nose I always wished for.

And if you were wonderin’, a shiksha goddess’ nose is dainty, with a hint of royalty. A fantasy come true for this mama. This Gay is now a Queen.

I certainly never wish bad things on people, however, to the first Doctor who botched the first nose job: As my Grandma Sylvia would say, “…I hope you rot in hell”. And then she would spit on him. True, she would say that, and if the opportunity presented itself, would spit on him.  My Grandma Ida would have put a curse on him. Ahh, the gold ‘ole days. Vengeance was simple.

Hip Replacement Surgery

As for my new hip, I love it! Replacement body parts are the new fad!

However, too bad my new hip is not bionic. If it were, I could finally ski expert moguls in the back bowls of Vail, CO.

Blessings of Family

In addition to the annuls of 2022, I am blessed to witness and share in the lives of my children, grandchildren, niece, and my ‘adopted’ children. The love, the laughter, the arguing. Again, the simple pleasures of life.

Loss of a Forever Friend

However, with all the good times, comes the sad times. There has to be the yin and yang.

I lost my BFF, my Sistah from anotha’ motha’, Faith.

Faith

Faith passed away in the early morning hours of December 31, 2021. I lost a piece of my heart that day. I believe when someone you dearly love passes, you lose a part of yourself.

We were the same age; grew up on Long Island; and raised our children in the same town on the East End of Long Island. We shared the same values; both fearless and had a deep love of life and family.

The only difference was that Faith was always so goddamn mellow and chill. Quite the opposite of yours truly; I am akin to a hurricane rolling into town.

And that my friends is the yin and yang that forever binds us together.

Each day of 2022 represented a new day without Faith. Similar to fresh tracks in snow.

So I write about her to keep her memory alive, to literally ‘keep the faith’.

To be clear, Faith would not want another tear shed on her behalf; she would request that her daughters, husband, family and ‘Team Faith’ continue to move forward and embrace life. As I shall.

My heart will heal, and I too shall begin anew.

Cheers

I ask all of you to raise your proverbial glass to life. L’chaim to 2023!

Scary Aging Eyes

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Dark under eye bags!

Dark Under Eye Bags

I have a real scary tale to share with y’all. And if ya don’t wanna hear it, I don’t care. Boo! Go away!

However, Sistahs you may want to hear about the morning I woke up with the puffiest under eye bags! Shiat! You know what I am talkin’ about!

Omg… I woke up this morning, which is always a good thing. Right?

Any hoo, marched straight to the bathroom… Hey now, don’t forget the simple pleasure of being able to get out of bed to take your mornin’ tinkle. My word, you are all so harsh!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

And then I looked into the mirror. Oy! I was aghast at what I saw! I had no idea who was looking back at me in the mirror.

And that chick was not the fairest of them all.

To my chagrin, it was me I was lookin’ at. What happened? I just don’t know…

I went to bed as a 58 year old hot mama and woke up as a lukewarm mama. Oy vey! So tragic!

It was the morning of Halloween, and I was not wearing a costume. Repeat, no costume.

Can we talk? Who is wearing a costume at 4:00 in the morning? Well, then again, maybe some peeps, but not me!

On the other hand, it would have been great if it were a costume…and I could simply peel off the old crepey wrinkly skin and emerge as Ms. America! You betcha baby!

Alas, that was not the case.

Puffy Under Eye Bags

Like really, you may not care, but I had this puffy ‘thang’ happenin’ under my eyes – I suppose that is what is known as a ‘bag under your eyes’. And to add insult to injury, the bags were dark, and come in pairs. Of course these bags want to be loud and proud. As y’all know, aging is not subtle. It is akin to a bull in a china shop.

And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even a designer bag like Louis Vuitton.

Deflate Bag!

The under eye bags would not flatten.

Excuse me Sistahs – just so ya know, I desperately tried to flatten those suckers with my fingers to no avail. Those bags (of course they come in pairs) prominently sat under my eyes, like a fluffy pillow. The shame of it all.

However, that ain’t no fluffy pillow. More like some shiat that sprung outa nowhere under my eyes. So sad.

Old Lady Eyes

Sistahs, I ask y’all: is this the beginning of the end?

Will I wake up tomorrow and find wrinkles under my eyes? (shhh… I already have a few).

Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon

I ask my Sistahs: Has the time come for me to see a plastic surgeon? There must be a Beverly Hills Hotline for help with under eye dark bags. If not Beverly Hills, where can a girl get any type of emotional support for aging?

Does anyone care about women over 50? Anyone? Anyone?

What Aging Delight is Next?

Will the skin on my arms become flabby, saggy? (Oh shiat, no not that!).

Will my neck start to look like a turkey gobbler? Ya know what I am talkin’ bout – when your neck can sway back and forth in the wind!

According to my ‘ole mama , she said “Gay, you shall not succumb to that fate, because you have your father’s neck”. By the by, Mama says that was ‘the only good thang I got from my father.’ Well, at least I got one good thing from my Daddy.

Halloween

Fortunately, it is Halloween, and I don’t need a costume.

Hamptons Summer, Farewell

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end of Hamptons summer

The Hamptons summer is over. Another chapter scribbled into to the comic book of life and Dan’s Papers.

The official conclusion of a Hamptons summer is marked by the Tuesday after Labor Day, known as ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’.

end of hamptons summer tumbleweeds

Do I have to explain everything? The rest of the stragglers, hanger ‘onners roll outa’ here as if they were tumbleweeds! Hence the phrase ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’. Oy vey!

We local folk are like, thank you, and leave now! We had enough of the traffic, the attitude (‘tude’), crowds, yada yada yada.

And Just Like That…

And just like that, summer is over. So sad. Not really.

When the summer peeps roll out of the Hamptons, it is like loosing your bloat after a menstrual cycle.

Girlfriends, ya know what I am talkin’ ‘bout! It’s like hallelujah, I can finally fit in those pants again!

Now that summer peeps are ensconced in NYC, I can finally score a dinner reservation at the posh restaurant Bistro Ete and make a left hand turn onto Montauk Highway.

Thank you summer peeps for not being here!

Hamptons Summer Memories

As I reflect on my summer of 2022, here are just a few quintessential Hamptons moments I will share with y’all.

COVID, Hamptons Summer Style

Well, we all thought COVID was over, but I got COVID in June. Despite getting four vaccines, having a great immune system, still got it.

That she-devil COVID decided to hang out with me in the Hamptons for the better part of the summer. You know what I am talking about. I am cool with any guest staying a few days, but for several weeks with no end in sight? COVID knows no boundaries.

COVID is a horrible house guest. That girl is a user and a taker. She sapped all the energy from me… I was exhausted from hosting her. She just barged into my life, unannounced. What a Biatch! She used me to stay in the glamorous Hamptons for a summer experience. Her plan was to invade the Hamptons and party every night. Boy, that girl has big balls!

Not on my watch Sistah! I caught her right away, and never let her out of the house.

And I ask you…Why me? I did everything for her. Let her sleep as long as she needed; did not ask her to help around the house; and I fed her great meals. And you ask, what did she do for me? That biatch gave me post-COVID migraine headaches that promptly started every day, for several weeks at 5pm. NO cocktails for Gay. I was drowning my pain and agony in Excedrin for Migraine Headaches with Advil chasers.

That Biatch finally lost her hold on me…and she packed up and left. I was just shy of getting an exorcism.

Share the Hamptons Summer Roads

Nobody, no one shares the road during a Hamptons Summer. Cyclists, bicycle riders, runners, joggers, walkers and cars do not share the road. It is all about ‘me me me’, losing weight, and fittin’ into that speedo.

Who knew the Hamptons attracted so many weekend warriors who take to the streets! The sheer number of fitness enthusiasts are staggering! So many Hamptons peeps are passionate about breaking a sweat. Go figure…

There are the fitness peeps – the runners (not joggers) and the cyclists (not bike riders). The runners and cyclists are athletes – they are on a mission. They are determined to get their mileage logged in for the day. They are on the road early, so as to avoid getting hit by a car. Smart.

The bike riders, who I fondly call ‘idiots on bikes’, and the walkers, are herded together side by side as if they were in a parade. They pretend to be blissfully ignorant of the line-up of Range Rovers, Ferraris and Bentleys trailing behind them.

Just a battle of egos… these are the same peeps who did not share their toys in Kindergarten. I did not like them then, and I don’t like them now.

Bid Adieu

On Tumbleweed Tuesday, we bid a fond adieu to our neighbors. The Hamptons roads are less congested, which is such a relief. However, the skies are filled with helicopters akin to taxis, taking all the summer folks back to the city. And of course the flight pattern is over my house.

Excuse me? Drive back to NYC in all that traffic with the peasants?

See y’all next summer!

Honey, Who Shrunk the Toilet Paper?

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So small… (credit: miniadventures)

I am a victim of ‘Shrinkflation’.

According to Investopedia, “…Shrinkflation is the reduction in the size of a product in response to rising production costs or market competition. Rather than increase the price of a product, the company simply offers a smaller package for the same sticker price.”

And by the by, not only is the package smaller, but the price increased.

Gay’s definition of Shrinkflation: Pay more for less. Such a deal! NOT!

Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll

About a month ago, I purchased at our local Super Market King Kullen, The Charmin Mega Roll. This was not one roll, but a humongous package of 18 rolls.  Definitely more toilet paper sheets than even I could go through in 3 days.

FYI, I have been buying Charmin for years…LOVE IT! I know, to love toilet paper. What can I say. One of the few pleasures in life.

A few days ago I had to replenish my supply of toilet paper. To be clear, I did not use all the paper, don’t blame me. We had a lot of guests visit, and quite frankly, it is shocking how much toilet paper people go through. And I thought I was bad! What a relief that I am not the sole reason for the destruction of the Amazon forest.

ToiletpaperGate

Let’s set the scene:  I am cruising down the Supermarket toilet paper aisle with my shopping cart, looking for my beloved Charmin Mega Roll. And then, my eyes gazed upon a Charmin Mega Roll package of toilet paper that was sitting on a shelf… I was in heaven! Sadly, to my chagrin, it was noticeably smaller and lighter than what I am accustomed to purchase. Back in the day, like a month ago, I needed a forklift to pick up my usual package of Charmin Mega Roll (kidding).

How dare Charmin do this to their followers! This oughta be a crime! Sadly, this does not even rise to the level of a parking ticket violation.

Who do I call to file a complaint? The head of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell? He talks about inflation all the time. I am sure he has first-hand knowledge of this scandal. You can be sure he’s been in the bathroom and reached for a roll of toilet paper…he’s just like us. Was the last person who used his bathroom kind enough to leave a sheet or two dangling from the carboard cylinder? Did they leave no toilet paper, because the rolls are too small?  Did they run out of toilet paper at his house too? Was he pissed off? (no pun intended).

The Ad says: Never Run Out!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit ‘A’, a roll of Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll. Charmin advertises “…1 Super Mega Roll = 6 Regular Rolls* so you never run out (*based on number of sheets in Charmin Regular Roll bath tissue)”.

Charmin also advertises that their Super Mega Roll is “…2X more absorbent so you can use less and rolls last you longer vs. the leading USA 1-ply bargain brand.”

Fascinating, right? So this means, we can use less toilet paper because Charmin is more absorbent. Tell it to the Judge, which is your derriere. In fact, Charmin states “…Holds up so your hands and behind keep clean while you go”. I promise you; I did not write this advertising spiel.  

I realize this is “TMI”: ‘Too Much Information’ for you all to absorb (no pun intended, thank you Charmin!).

As a matter of fact, Charmin is now hawking a new product called their ‘Forever Roll”. Really? Who do they think they are shiatting? (no pun intended).

I kid you not. Charmin says you can “…Go up to One Month before changing your roll*.” Oy vey Charmin! You are making me pee in my pants just laughing. Hold on, I gotta grab some toilet paper!

Charmin does have a caveat: The Forever Roll goes up to one month, “…BASED on 2 person household that typically uses one roll per month”. Excuse me, but I have no idea where Charmin got that information from. Was this from a survey of Martians on Mars? Do Martians even use a bathroom?

Did Charmin survey a family with children? Have you ever seen kids go through toilet paper? They put me to shame!

As an environmentally conscious pe-er, I do not apply unlimited amounts of toilet paper to my derriere. A roll only last for a few days. Nothing lasts forever…relationships, gift cards and toilet paper.

Dissapearflation

The reality is the toilet paper did not shrink in size; it is disappearing. Before we know it, a Pez Dispenser will be spitting out teeny tiny pellets of toilet paper. Oh Shit!

SPILLAGE AISLE 10!

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Louisiana Red Hot Sauce

Dear Ms. Manners,

Last weekend, I shopped for groceries at the King Kullen Supermarket in Bridgehampton, NY.

If you did not know, Bridgehampton is located in the Hamptons. You know, the place where the beautiful, rich and famous peeps frolic.

Well, I go grocery shopping every single goddamn day. Sadly, I do not have a Chef, a Butler, a Personal Assistant, a Personal Trainer, etc. . I know Ms. Manners. Can you imagine? And I live in the Hamptons in the summer. Totally embarrassing.

My shopping experience was different this time. I came upon a major spillage in Aisle 10.

It was a total ‘hit and run.’ A real crime scene. ‘Someone’ knocked over several  Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Bottles. If y’all don’t know, this is one of the ingredients used to make spicy hot chicken wings.

And this really looked like a crime scene. The employees had the aisle roped off with yellow tape, the kind that the Police use. And this was a problem for me, I needed to go down that aisle. I had to get the Grey Poupon Mustard, which was stocked next to the Hot Sauce.

When I arrived at the crime scene, there was not one, not two, not three, not even four broken bottles on the floor… For the untrained eye, it was hard to tell how many bottles were broken. The floor was ‘a sea’ in Red Hot Sauce; broken and unbroken bottles were literally floating in the aisle. This was a job well done!

Ms. Manners, I know you are  wonderin,’ whether the person who crashed into the Red Hot Sauce bottles, which were neatly displayed on a shelf, reported this incident to a grocery store employee?”

I know, such a funny question to ponder.

Oh my oh my Ms. Manners! Girlfriend, this here is the Hamptons. Paleeze!

Hell no! Clearly the perpetrator (“perp”) of this incident scurried away…

Perhaps we should give the perp the benefit of the doubt? Maybe, just maybe, the perp did not know they ‘bumped into the Red Hot Sauce Bottles’ that were so neatly organized on a shelf by a grocery store employee? I just don’t know.

Personally, I try to believe in the ‘goodness of people,’ perhaps, just perhaps, the person did not hear the bottles (note ‘plural’ bottles), crash to the ground.

Ms. Manners, I use the word ‘crashed,’ because there was more than one bottle, and these were large bottles. Not the small table size bottles you would use at a restaurant. Again, you ask yourself “Didn’t the perp hear the bottles crash?

Well, Ms. Manners, all I can say, is that if the perp were profoundly deaf, daft, or did not have their hearing aids in, maybe, just maybe they did not hear the crash of all those bottles. Not to mention the splatter of the sauce, which was everywhere.

But really, we all know the perp who knocked all those bottles down, knew what they did. The perp probably checked the aisle to see if there were any witnesses, and then fled the scene of the crime. Like no one would see this mess? Really? Like the store has no video cameras?

Oh, but then things took a turn for the worse. Then there was the smell. Ms. Manners, Louisiana Red Hot Sauce is hot. The label says, ‘Red Hot Sauce’ for a reason. This hot sauce ain’t for the faint at heart.

Have you ever used Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Ms. Manners? Well, I love it. ‘Specially on my chicken wings.’ Oooooh that smell!

Ms. Manners, I could smell that sauce when I was about mile away near  Aisle 1. That smell was permeating the store. Even though it was 9:30am, I started to have a hankerin’ for some wings!

A Laughing Matter

In truth, employees and customers were laughing. Customers were taking photos; with the hope these pictures would go ‘viral.’ Nah, I don’t think so.

I could see the store employees were in absolutely no rush to clean this mess up. Who in their right mind would be? If you get Red Hot Sauce in an open wound on your fingers or hands, you will cry for your mama! And do not rub your fingers that are covered in hot sauce into your eyes, it can damn near burn them out of your head!

As for me, I told the employees we should all follow the trail of red footprints throughout the store, created by the person who had knocked over the bottles of Louisiana Red Hot Sauce. Just look for the perp whose shoes and legs were decorated with red splatter stains and would smell like a chicken wing.

Oh, and if you were wonderin,’ I prefer wings in extra hot sauce.

Cocktail Party Etiquette

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Hogged the Silver Platter

Dear Ms. Manners,

Can you please tell me what is the proper etiquette for eating hors
d’oeuvres at a cocktail party?

I know, like duh, doesn’t everyone know how to eat hors d’oeuvres? Well,
obviously not if I have to ask Ms. Manners.

Several weeks ago, I attended a very fancy schmancy cocktail party in
Beverly Hills. I know what you are thinking, who in their right mind would
invite lil’ ole’ me to a party where I, yes I, would rub elbows with famous
peeps?

Now I know how to eat hors d’oeuvres. But, at this party, I had a front row
seat to watch a ‘famous person’ eat hors d’oeuvres as if they were from Mars.
Really. It was so ‘shocking beyond the pale,’ that I felt I was watching an
episode from the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

As a matter of fact, it could have been an episode from that show, because
the actress who portrays Larry David’s ex-wife just happened to be at this
event. Her real-life husband, may or may not have been at this event.

Scene of the Crime

Let’s set the scene of the crime: Waiters were serving fancy hors d’oeuvres.
In truth, I was hungry. However, I waited for the hors d’oeuvres that would
compliment my picky palette. 

And hello, a waiter finally offered to me a beautiful silver serving platter
of small, delicate blini’s topped with caviar and a little ‘dot’ of Crème
Fraîche. Oh yeah baby, come to mama!

As a refined woman, who is well aware of cocktail party etiquette, prior to
taking one blini, I first asked the waiter for a cocktail napkin and then I
carefully took one blini from the serving tray, so as NOT to touch any other
blinis on the tray. Remember, we are still in the midst of a pandemic. We hate
germs! 

Perhaps it was because I was starving, but damn… that blini was beyond
delicious. 

Scene of the Crime

The waiter moved on to another guest to offer a blini. Oy vey. Here we go.

I recognized the guest the waiter was serving. How could anyone not? Comes
from a very famous family, who had a very famous Father, and a very, very
famous Uncle. He even has a famous wife actress (who may or may not be at this
event).

Now, I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch this particular guest ‘eat’
the blini. In my life, I have never, ever witnessed such a dining spectacle at
a cocktail party. A fancy schmancy one no less. 

The guest was standing by himself as he literally attacked the serving tray
of blinis. His wife was not with him, perhaps she had been at a cocktail party
or two with him and knew better.

I watched him eat the first one. Clearly, he has good taste, because I could
see he liked the FIRST BLINI. How did I know he liked the blini? Because he
would not let the waiter leave… and then the guest went for the second blini.
And the third. Now the serving tray was commandeered by this guest and has
become his personal plate. Yes, he effectively hogged the blinis. 

And then it happened. I saw this in slow-motion. This is how it repeats over
and over and over in my mind. Like a horror story. The guest had a blini in his
hand that was en-route to his mouth that was open. And just like that, he
dropped the blini that was almost in his mouth, and it fell to the serving
tray. Yuck! Germs alert! 

I was aghast! I had never seen that happen at a cocktail party. Even the
parties that serve pigs in blankets and bagel bites.

You ask yourself: Did the guest stop eating? Did the guest survey the tray
to find the blini he touched that was almost in his mouth? You know, to make
sure that no other guest would get contaminated with his germs during a
pandemic. Oh but, wait, I do not believe this person is a follower of Dr.
Fauci.

This guest never missed a beat. I ask, where is Larry David when you need
him? Where is Larry David’s TV ex-wife to stop this travesty? Oy vey. This
guest jumped back into that tray, and indiscriminately picked another blini and
tossed it in his mouth. Oh, but wait, there is more. Now he was seemingly hell
bent on clearing the tray of blinis. No matter there were other guests. 

Now, to optimize eating, the guest was crafty. He actually combined two
blinis and made a sandwich. You betcha baby! Standing their all by himself. The
ingenuity to maximize hogging the plate. 

And just if you were wondering, he did clear the tray. At some point, he did
eat the blini that he dropped, but did it matter at that point?

Where are the etiquette police when you need them? Oh, they are probably badgering someone who is eating a bagel bite at a backyard BBQ.

LOUD AND PROUD TO BE A NEGATIVE COVID PERSON!

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My At-Home-COVID Test Results

You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!

As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.

First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.

Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’

Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!

My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.

To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.

The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!

COVID DAY 7: ENOUGH!

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Self-Portrait

Does this ever end?

Oy! Please, enough already! Today is Day 7, and to be honest, I have had enough of COVID. Sadly, it has not had enough of me. Not an equitable relationship.

The problem with getting COVID, is that it’s just not your common cold.

As we all know by now, COVID affects each person differently. Some people who test positive for COVID are ‘asymptomatic’ and experience no symptoms. However, they are still a walking petri dish and still must isolate. Then there are the spectrum of folks who experience mild symptoms (like me), moderate symptoms and just fall apart for a week or two, and those who experience severe symptoms, who need to be hospitalized and just may succumb to the virus. Scary, right?

Since COVID is a highly contagious virus, and, if a person cares about another human being, well, you want to do the right thing and isolate. Yes, you do the right thing and stay away from other people (even if you hate them).

Isolating at Home

I suppose I am lucky. My kids are out of the house, and it is just me and my husband. Akin to two people stranded on an island. In this case, Long Island. So dreamy, right? Nah, I don’t think so.

Despite having 100 COVID shots between us (just joking), since the minute I tested positive for COVID, I am now sleeping in my younger son’s bedroom. The room is a time capsule, intact from last year, when he graduated from College.

My husband is still testing negative, which is great for him. To keep him negative, I wear a KN95 mask in the house, and Lysol spray is my new perfume. I know, sexy, right?

When it is not raining and there are no gale force winds, we can dine together, outside. What a real treat.

Now, for some people who can’t stand their spouses, COVID is a great excuse to stay away. Right? A self-imposed separation. For some odd reason, I actually like the guy I married. Call me crazy, or maybe it is the COVID brain? But, it has been hard to be separated.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. First off, amazing we made it to 27 years of marriage! Woo Hoo! Second, we shall celebrate just ‘the two of us.’ Our plans were cancelled, because I am still testing positive for COVID. For heavens sake…no one has hugged me in a week!

Perks of Day 7 of COVID

So exciting! Made it to day 7 of COVID! So many doors have opened to me as per the CDC. Since I am finishing my Paxlovid, have experienced mild symptoms, never had a fever, and I can now go out in Public. But, there is always that but… I am required to wear a mask at all times.

To make sure I do not infect my fellow human beings (even the ones I can’t stand), I wear two KN95 masks.

Remaining Symptoms

COVID has left me tired, and I have a raspy, hoarse voice. Once the symptoms of COVID rooted, I had an extremely upset stomach, which contributed to the weight loss I experienced. (You can fill in the gory details.)

I am always the optimistic: my bikini will look awesome this summer, or whatever that means for a 58 year old hot mama!

To be continued…

COVID DAY 5: I CAN’T MOVE

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Says it all…

Dear Diary,

This is now Day 5 of COVID. I am exhausted. I literally can’t move. It is hard to believe this is a ‘mild’ case of COVID.

Even though I am not a Board Certified Physician, I am a certifiable Jewess Mama Doc. I believe the Paxlovid antiviral drug I am taking stopped COVID in its tracks. Yes, the symptoms stopped getting worse. 

I would opine there is an internal struggle going on at this very moment in my ole’ body to defeat COVID. Thus, I am totally wiped out. This never happens to me. 

What is totally odd, is that my mind is clear. I can think. I am not experiencing COVID ‘brain fog.’ In fact, my neck has been killing me for months, and that pain has greatly diminished. So weird. 

Sleepin’ and Dreamin’

Hallelujah, I slept last night. 11 hours, which is so not normal for me. As you know my Dear Diary, as a Menopausal Mama, I am lucky if I sleep 6 hours a night due to my punctual pee-pee wake-ups every 2 hours.

Diary, I did have an odd dream. The last dream I remember, was that I was sitting in a Denny’s restaurant that was also a bagel shoppe; and I ordered eggs and an English Muffin for breakfast. So odd, right? I skipped the poppy-seed bagel, hash-browns and bacon because I wanted to ‘watch my weight’ and keep my cholesterol low. 

Diary, what a relief that I am concerned about my health in my dreams! But really, this is what I dream about? 

Oy vey. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.

To be continued…

TAG! COVID GOT ME!

Gay Snow1 Comment
The COVID Grim Reaper

Oy vey! After 2.5 years of evading COVID, it got me.

Crime Scene

How did I get COVID? Who gave it to me? Who can I blame? Do I call the Police to track down a suspect?

I have not knowingly been near anyone who has COVID. Unless …someone has been lurking the streets with COVID. Hmmmm.

COVID was an uninvited guest who entered my life without permission. Yesterday morning, was like any morning. I noticed my throat was a tad bit scratchy. I do have allergies, so I popped a Zyrtec (allergy pill). Then I noticed my nose ‘felt funny’ (no better way to describe), and since COVID is literally everywhere, I took a COVID test for the hell of it.

COVID Tests

I just love a COVID test. Don’t y’all? Just the thought of shoving a long Q-tip up not one, but both of my nostrils, is so incredibly sexy. Then waiting for the results… this is akin to a pregnancy test. I mean the dipstick test. But you still wonder if you are positive or negative.

I have previously taken rapid COVID tests, PCR tests, and each and every one came up negative.

But not yesterday. Oh no, no, no. My luck ran out, and COVID tagged me. My COVID stick had two red lines, and no, I was not pregnant.

I just don’t get it. I am armed with 4 COVID shots, take a ton of supplements to boost my immune system, eat healthy and wear a mask inside all stores. Oh, and I also take hydroxychloroquine twice daily for an autoimmune illness. No, not to prevent COVID, to prevent swelling in my fingers. And… my positive COVID test proves hydroxychloroquine does not prevent COVID.

Despite taking all the above precautions, I still got COVID. Maybe if my arsenal included an AR-15, then COVID would have stayed away? Nah, I don’t think so.

COVID Friends

Well, my friend Michele had COVID and tested positive for 21 days. She got COVID from her granddaughter. So cute, right? The kid shared her COVID with the entire family a month ago. Today is the day Michele finally tested negative. Her husband never got COVID. She even slept in another bedroom to not infect him. Wow, what a mama. I have spoken to her so often the last few days, maybe COVID is transmittable via text and phone? I just don’t know.

My friends Andy and Mike recently got COVID. They are getting better. But I did not get it from them. They got COVID from a birthday party. What a fun party!

So where did I get COVID from? Who knows? Such a pity. I wanted to blame someone.

COVID Health Status

Today is day two of my COVID experience. I now have a cold and I am a bit tired. Although, I did workout this morning, picked 5 pounds of strawberries, and baked bread. I have to prove I am Wonder Woman, and COVID will not stop me.

Leper in the House

Stay away from Gay! No one wants to touch me. So sad.

Good thing it is almost summer. I sit outside, cough and gag away from everyone in my family. In the house, I wear a KN95 mask, and sleep in my son’s bedroom. He is a practicing adult, and lives in California, so I can use his bedroom.

My drugs of choice are Advil, Mucinex and AYR nasal spray. I am holding off on taking the Paxlovid, the COVID antiviral drug, because I don’t know if I need it just yet. Only time shall tell!

What is fascinating, is that I do not have brain fog, and can author this article. I have brain fog every day, except today. Go figure.

COVID Response from Friends and Family

It is just fascinating. When you tell people you have COVID, the response is very sullen. No, I have not heard the line “sending you prayers,” but the “Oh NO! You got COVID”! response. And “Where did you get it from?.” “Are you ok?”

I am taking each day as it comes. Glad I have four COVID shots, and hope I have a mild case of COVID. One never knows with this virus.

To be continued…