SPILLAGE AISLE 10!

Louisiana Red Hot Sauce

Dear Ms. Manners,

Last weekend, I shopped for groceries at the King Kullen Supermarket in Bridgehampton, NY.

If you did not know, Bridgehampton is located in the Hamptons. You know, the place where the beautiful, rich and famous peeps frolic.

Well, I go grocery shopping every single goddamn day. Sadly, I do not have a Chef, a Butler, a Personal Assistant, a Personal Trainer, etc. . I know Ms. Manners. Can you imagine? And I live in the Hamptons in the summer. Totally embarrassing.

My shopping experience was different this time. I came upon a major spillage in Aisle 10.

It was a total ‘hit and run.’ A real crime scene. ‘Someone’ knocked over several  Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Bottles. If y’all don’t know, this is one of the ingredients used to make spicy hot chicken wings.

And this really looked like a crime scene. The employees had the aisle roped off with yellow tape, the kind that the Police use. And this was a problem for me, I needed to go down that aisle. I had to get the Grey Poupon Mustard, which was stocked next to the Hot Sauce.

When I arrived at the crime scene, there was not one, not two, not three, not even four broken bottles on the floor… For the untrained eye, it was hard to tell how many bottles were broken. The floor was ‘a sea’ in Red Hot Sauce; broken and unbroken bottles were literally floating in the aisle. This was a job well done!

Ms. Manners, I know you are  wonderin,’ whether the person who crashed into the Red Hot Sauce bottles, which were neatly displayed on a shelf, reported this incident to a grocery store employee?”

I know, such a funny question to ponder.

Oh my oh my Ms. Manners! Girlfriend, this here is the Hamptons. Paleeze!

Hell no! Clearly the perpetrator (“perp”) of this incident scurried away…

Perhaps we should give the perp the benefit of the doubt? Maybe, just maybe, the perp did not know they ‘bumped into the Red Hot Sauce Bottles’ that were so neatly organized on a shelf by a grocery store employee? I just don’t know.

Personally, I try to believe in the ‘goodness of people,’ perhaps, just perhaps, the person did not hear the bottles (note ‘plural’ bottles), crash to the ground.

Ms. Manners, I use the word ‘crashed,’ because there was more than one bottle, and these were large bottles. Not the small table size bottles you would use at a restaurant. Again, you ask yourself “Didn’t the perp hear the bottles crash?

Well, Ms. Manners, all I can say, is that if the perp were profoundly deaf, daft, or did not have their hearing aids in, maybe, just maybe they did not hear the crash of all those bottles. Not to mention the splatter of the sauce, which was everywhere.

But really, we all know the perp who knocked all those bottles down, knew what they did. The perp probably checked the aisle to see if there were any witnesses, and then fled the scene of the crime. Like no one would see this mess? Really? Like the store has no video cameras?

Oh, but then things took a turn for the worse. Then there was the smell. Ms. Manners, Louisiana Red Hot Sauce is hot. The label says, ‘Red Hot Sauce’ for a reason. This hot sauce ain’t for the faint at heart.

Have you ever used Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Ms. Manners? Well, I love it. ‘Specially on my chicken wings.’ Oooooh that smell!

Ms. Manners, I could smell that sauce when I was about mile away near  Aisle 1. That smell was permeating the store. Even though it was 9:30am, I started to have a hankerin’ for some wings!

A Laughing Matter

In truth, employees and customers were laughing. Customers were taking photos; with the hope these pictures would go ‘viral.’ Nah, I don’t think so.

I could see the store employees were in absolutely no rush to clean this mess up. Who in their right mind would be? If you get Red Hot Sauce in an open wound on your fingers or hands, you will cry for your mama! And do not rub your fingers that are covered in hot sauce into your eyes, it can damn near burn them out of your head!

As for me, I told the employees we should all follow the trail of red footprints throughout the store, created by the person who had knocked over the bottles of Louisiana Red Hot Sauce. Just look for the perp whose shoes and legs were decorated with red splatter stains and would smell like a chicken wing.

Oh, and if you were wonderin,’ I prefer wings in extra hot sauce.

Cocktail Party Etiquette

Hogged the Silver Platter

Dear Ms. Manners,

Can you please tell me what is the proper etiquette for eating hors
d’oeuvres at a cocktail party?

I know, like duh, doesn’t everyone know how to eat hors d’oeuvres? Well,
obviously not if I have to ask Ms. Manners.

Several weeks ago, I attended a very fancy schmancy cocktail party in
Beverly Hills. I know what you are thinking, who in their right mind would
invite lil’ ole’ me to a party where I, yes I, would rub elbows with famous
peeps?

Now I know how to eat hors d’oeuvres. But, at this party, I had a front row
seat to watch a ‘famous person’ eat hors d’oeuvres as if they were from Mars.
Really. It was so ‘shocking beyond the pale,’ that I felt I was watching an
episode from the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

As a matter of fact, it could have been an episode from that show, because
the actress who portrays Larry David’s ex-wife just happened to be at this
event. Her real-life husband, may or may not have been at this event.

Scene of the Crime

Let’s set the scene of the crime: Waiters were serving fancy hors d’oeuvres.
In truth, I was hungry. However, I waited for the hors d’oeuvres that would
compliment my picky palette. 

And hello, a waiter finally offered to me a beautiful silver serving platter
of small, delicate blini’s topped with caviar and a little ‘dot’ of Crème
Fraîche. Oh yeah baby, come to mama!

As a refined woman, who is well aware of cocktail party etiquette, prior to
taking one blini, I first asked the waiter for a cocktail napkin and then I
carefully took one blini from the serving tray, so as NOT to touch any other
blinis on the tray. Remember, we are still in the midst of a pandemic. We hate
germs! 

Perhaps it was because I was starving, but damn… that blini was beyond
delicious. 

Scene of the Crime

The waiter moved on to another guest to offer a blini. Oy vey. Here we go.

I recognized the guest the waiter was serving. How could anyone not? Comes
from a very famous family, who had a very famous Father, and a very, very
famous Uncle. He even has a famous wife actress (who may or may not be at this
event).

Now, I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch this particular guest ‘eat’
the blini. In my life, I have never, ever witnessed such a dining spectacle at
a cocktail party. A fancy schmancy one no less. 

The guest was standing by himself as he literally attacked the serving tray
of blinis. His wife was not with him, perhaps she had been at a cocktail party
or two with him and knew better.

I watched him eat the first one. Clearly, he has good taste, because I could
see he liked the FIRST BLINI. How did I know he liked the blini? Because he
would not let the waiter leave… and then the guest went for the second blini.
And the third. Now the serving tray was commandeered by this guest and has
become his personal plate. Yes, he effectively hogged the blinis. 

And then it happened. I saw this in slow-motion. This is how it repeats over
and over and over in my mind. Like a horror story. The guest had a blini in his
hand that was en-route to his mouth that was open. And just like that, he
dropped the blini that was almost in his mouth, and it fell to the serving
tray. Yuck! Germs alert! 

I was aghast! I had never seen that happen at a cocktail party. Even the
parties that serve pigs in blankets and bagel bites.

You ask yourself: Did the guest stop eating? Did the guest survey the tray
to find the blini he touched that was almost in his mouth? You know, to make
sure that no other guest would get contaminated with his germs during a
pandemic. Oh but, wait, I do not believe this person is a follower of Dr.
Fauci.

This guest never missed a beat. I ask, where is Larry David when you need
him? Where is Larry David’s TV ex-wife to stop this travesty? Oy vey. This
guest jumped back into that tray, and indiscriminately picked another blini and
tossed it in his mouth. Oh, but wait, there is more. Now he was seemingly hell
bent on clearing the tray of blinis. No matter there were other guests. 

Now, to optimize eating, the guest was crafty. He actually combined two
blinis and made a sandwich. You betcha baby! Standing their all by himself. The
ingenuity to maximize hogging the plate. 

And just if you were wondering, he did clear the tray. At some point, he did
eat the blini that he dropped, but did it matter at that point?

Where are the etiquette police when you need them? Oh, they are probably badgering someone who is eating a bagel bite at a backyard BBQ.

LOUD AND PROUD TO BE A NEGATIVE COVID PERSON!

My At-Home-COVID Test Results

You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!

As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.

First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.

Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’

Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!

My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.

To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.

The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!

COVID DAY 7: ENOUGH!

Self-Portrait

Does this ever end?

Oy! Please, enough already! Today is Day 7, and to be honest, I have had enough of COVID. Sadly, it has not had enough of me. Not an equitable relationship.

The problem with getting COVID, is that it’s just not your common cold.

As we all know by now, COVID affects each person differently. Some people who test positive for COVID are ‘asymptomatic’ and experience no symptoms. However, they are still a walking petri dish and still must isolate. Then there are the spectrum of folks who experience mild symptoms (like me), moderate symptoms and just fall apart for a week or two, and those who experience severe symptoms, who need to be hospitalized and just may succumb to the virus. Scary, right?

Since COVID is a highly contagious virus, and, if a person cares about another human being, well, you want to do the right thing and isolate. Yes, you do the right thing and stay away from other people (even if you hate them).

Isolating at Home

I suppose I am lucky. My kids are out of the house, and it is just me and my husband. Akin to two people stranded on an island. In this case, Long Island. So dreamy, right? Nah, I don’t think so.

Despite having 100 COVID shots between us (just joking), since the minute I tested positive for COVID, I am now sleeping in my younger son’s bedroom. The room is a time capsule, intact from last year, when he graduated from College.

My husband is still testing negative, which is great for him. To keep him negative, I wear a KN95 mask in the house, and Lysol spray is my new perfume. I know, sexy, right?

When it is not raining and there are no gale force winds, we can dine together, outside. What a real treat.

Now, for some people who can’t stand their spouses, COVID is a great excuse to stay away. Right? A self-imposed separation. For some odd reason, I actually like the guy I married. Call me crazy, or maybe it is the COVID brain? But, it has been hard to be separated.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. First off, amazing we made it to 27 years of marriage! Woo Hoo! Second, we shall celebrate just ‘the two of us.’ Our plans were cancelled, because I am still testing positive for COVID. For heavens sake…no one has hugged me in a week!

Perks of Day 7 of COVID

So exciting! Made it to day 7 of COVID! So many doors have opened to me as per the CDC. Since I am finishing my Paxlovid, have experienced mild symptoms, never had a fever, and I can now go out in Public. But, there is always that but… I am required to wear a mask at all times.

To make sure I do not infect my fellow human beings (even the ones I can’t stand), I wear two KN95 masks.

Remaining Symptoms

COVID has left me tired, and I have a raspy, hoarse voice. Once the symptoms of COVID rooted, I had an extremely upset stomach, which contributed to the weight loss I experienced. (You can fill in the gory details.)

I am always the optimistic: my bikini will look awesome this summer, or whatever that means for a 58 year old hot mama!

To be continued…

COVID DAY 5: I CAN’T MOVE

Says it all…

Dear Diary,

This is now Day 5 of COVID. I am exhausted. I literally can’t move. It is hard to believe this is a ‘mild’ case of COVID.

Even though I am not a Board Certified Physician, I am a certifiable Jewess Mama Doc. I believe the Paxlovid antiviral drug I am taking stopped COVID in its tracks. Yes, the symptoms stopped getting worse. 

I would opine there is an internal struggle going on at this very moment in my ole’ body to defeat COVID. Thus, I am totally wiped out. This never happens to me. 

What is totally odd, is that my mind is clear. I can think. I am not experiencing COVID ‘brain fog.’ In fact, my neck has been killing me for months, and that pain has greatly diminished. So weird. 

Sleepin’ and Dreamin’

Hallelujah, I slept last night. 11 hours, which is so not normal for me. As you know my Dear Diary, as a Menopausal Mama, I am lucky if I sleep 6 hours a night due to my punctual pee-pee wake-ups every 2 hours.

Diary, I did have an odd dream. The last dream I remember, was that I was sitting in a Denny’s restaurant that was also a bagel shoppe; and I ordered eggs and an English Muffin for breakfast. So odd, right? I skipped the poppy-seed bagel, hash-browns and bacon because I wanted to ‘watch my weight’ and keep my cholesterol low. 

Diary, what a relief that I am concerned about my health in my dreams! But really, this is what I dream about? 

Oy vey. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.

To be continued…

TAG! COVID GOT ME!

The COVID Grim Reaper

Oy vey! After 2.5 years of evading COVID, it got me.

Crime Scene

How did I get COVID? Who gave it to me? Who can I blame? Do I call the Police to track down a suspect?

I have not knowingly been near anyone who has COVID. Unless …someone has been lurking the streets with COVID. Hmmmm.

COVID was an uninvited guest who entered my life without permission. Yesterday morning, was like any morning. I noticed my throat was a tad bit scratchy. I do have allergies, so I popped a Zyrtec (allergy pill). Then I noticed my nose ‘felt funny’ (no better way to describe), and since COVID is literally everywhere, I took a COVID test for the hell of it.

COVID Tests

I just love a COVID test. Don’t y’all? Just the thought of shoving a long Q-tip up not one, but both of my nostrils, is so incredibly sexy. Then waiting for the results… this is akin to a pregnancy test. I mean the dipstick test. But you still wonder if you are positive or negative.

I have previously taken rapid COVID tests, PCR tests, and each and every one came up negative.

But not yesterday. Oh no, no, no. My luck ran out, and COVID tagged me. My COVID stick had two red lines, and no, I was not pregnant.

I just don’t get it. I am armed with 4 COVID shots, take a ton of supplements to boost my immune system, eat healthy and wear a mask inside all stores. Oh, and I also take hydroxychloroquine twice daily for an autoimmune illness. No, not to prevent COVID, to prevent swelling in my fingers. And… my positive COVID test proves hydroxychloroquine does not prevent COVID.

Despite taking all the above precautions, I still got COVID. Maybe if my arsenal included an AR-15, then COVID would have stayed away? Nah, I don’t think so.

COVID Friends

Well, my friend Michele had COVID and tested positive for 21 days. She got COVID from her granddaughter. So cute, right? The kid shared her COVID with the entire family a month ago. Today is the day Michele finally tested negative. Her husband never got COVID. She even slept in another bedroom to not infect him. Wow, what a mama. I have spoken to her so often the last few days, maybe COVID is transmittable via text and phone? I just don’t know.

My friends Andy and Mike recently got COVID. They are getting better. But I did not get it from them. They got COVID from a birthday party. What a fun party!

So where did I get COVID from? Who knows? Such a pity. I wanted to blame someone.

COVID Health Status

Today is day two of my COVID experience. I now have a cold and I am a bit tired. Although, I did workout this morning, picked 5 pounds of strawberries, and baked bread. I have to prove I am Wonder Woman, and COVID will not stop me.

Leper in the House

Stay away from Gay! No one wants to touch me. So sad.

Good thing it is almost summer. I sit outside, cough and gag away from everyone in my family. In the house, I wear a KN95 mask, and sleep in my son’s bedroom. He is a practicing adult, and lives in California, so I can use his bedroom.

My drugs of choice are Advil, Mucinex and AYR nasal spray. I am holding off on taking the Paxlovid, the COVID antiviral drug, because I don’t know if I need it just yet. Only time shall tell!

What is fascinating, is that I do not have brain fog, and can author this article. I have brain fog every day, except today. Go figure.

COVID Response from Friends and Family

It is just fascinating. When you tell people you have COVID, the response is very sullen. No, I have not heard the line “sending you prayers,” but the “Oh NO! You got COVID”! response. And “Where did you get it from?.” “Are you ok?”

I am taking each day as it comes. Glad I have four COVID shots, and hope I have a mild case of COVID. One never knows with this virus.

To be continued…

MAUI HIBACHI, COVID STYLE

MAUI HIBACHI, COVID STYLE!

The Hibachi restaurant in Lahaina, Maui is dining at its finest! Home of “Mo’ Butter Mo’ Better.” 

Shhh… it is the secret ingredient.

Stranger Danger

When you dine at a Hibachi restaurant, the host smushes you into a table that seats upwards of twelve people. Did I mention this is indoor dining only?

Back in the day before COVID, you would always have to share a hibachi table with peeps called strangers.

I barely remember those pre-COVID days, but if my mind serves me correctly, we would just sit down, and simply ‘grin and bear it.’

In those days, my greatest fear was the stranger who sat next to me who was either too loud, too drunk, elbowed me too much, spat food when they spoke, had not so subtle fahrt slippage, or all of the above. 

Kinda kills the ambiance of fine dining. Don’t ya think?

At a minimum, if I knew the person sitting next to me, I could make a big stink and complain. 

By the way, I wonder…can you get COVID through a fahrt?

On second thought, perhaps this was not the best dining choice during COVID.

Whatever. The salted butter sprinkled with salt and a side of grilled shrimp is to die for girlfriends!

Love Thy Table-Neighbor

I know, you are thinking, ‘she is such a biatch!’ Excuse me sistah! Oh my, what short memories you have. Perhaps even worse than mine!

There is COVID in Hawaii. And even though there may not be COVID in Florida, Arizona or Texas, I do not need to be literally sittin’ on top of a stranger. Then again, if my table neighbor is gorgeous and super-hot…there is always an exception to every rule! Shhhh. don’t tell my husband.

COVID Dining

The big question of the evening: Would we be lucky and get a table alone, or would we have to dine with strangers? 

No more guessin’! We were escorted to the table, which was empty. Hallelujah! Alone at last! 

And then… came the other family.

Oy. A million meshuga (Yiddish for crazy) thoughts were racing through my rather unstable mind. This family could be from Mars for all I knew. Actually, I could deal with a family from Mars. Mars instituted mandatory COVID vaccinations.

A family from Mississippi Arizona, South Dakota, not sure. Red States, conspiracy theories, vax chips implanted in your body…yada yada yada.

But really. Humor me. Just imagine, we actually had to share a table with strangers! We have never, ever done that during COVID! Shiat!

My word! What was a girl to do? Where could I run? The good news was that the restaurant stuck us with only one family.

Phew, what a relief. I suppose due to COVID, we did not get a third family literally thrown in our laps!

As it was, we were literally sitting on top of each other. No joke. However, I had to laugh because I believed the air I was breathing was laden with COVID spikes, and they were infiltrating every orifice of my body.

Rather than totally lose my mind, I needed to put my thinkin’ cap on. What would my Spiritual Advisor Dr. Fauci tell me to do?

Like duh! He would have told me not eat indoors at a restaurant. Hmmm. He sounds like my ‘ole big mama! 

If he only knew the COVID mess I got myself into. Where was the social distancing? Where was my mask?

And then, I did what any COVID paranoid lunatic would do: I moved my chair and table setting to the very end of the table. My plate was hanging off the table. A useless effort to maintain a teeny-tiny bit of air space between myself and the stranger next door.

Rest assured it would have been easier to just sit away from the table facing the corner.

I was plotzing. FYI, Yiddish word for ‘collapsing or fainting.’ The translation: Sistahs, I thought I was gonna die! It was over; yep, right there in the hibachi restaurant. Sayonara folks.

Why the worry? First of all, no one wore a mask at the table. Why should we? We had to show our I.D. and vaccine card.

But wait. This is COVID. Where is this family from? Mississippi? Did they really get vaccinated? Was their VAX Card legal? How can I find out this information?

Vetting Process

You know it sistahs! I looked over this family with a keen eye. Oh please. I was in stealth mode. I was not blatant. You know me… I am the most subtle person ever! Just like a bull in a China shop! But I had to be careful. If they were from Texas, were they packin’ a pistol? I just did not know.

The Chef

At a Hibachi restaurant, it is the luck of the draw who is your Chef.

And we scored big.

The Chef, who happens to be a part-time comedian and part-time knife magician, finally came on stage to his grill.

He brought the hibachi ingredients: about five pounds of salted butter and three pounds of salt. Grilled salted butter with a dash of shrimp, steak, chicken, and vegetables was the cuisine for the evening.

Knives Out

The Chef entertained us with a show of flippin’ and spinnin’ sharp knives. One false move, and adios to your table neighbor. At least that would have created more space at the table.

Mo’ Butter is Mo’ Better!

What can I say, I love hibachi! I love grilled butter sautéed with salt, and a hint of shrimp, steak, lobster or chicken. I loved grilled butter with a side of garlic and a hint of fried rice.

The dinner was great, as always. I suppose due to COVID, the Chef did not throw shrimp at us to catch with our mouths. Too bad. I loved watching someone get shrimp thrown in their eye!

Oh well, maybe next year.

MASK UP!

COVID RE-BOOT!

Mask Up! (Braces Optional!)

It’s happenin’ again! Shiat!

Time to wear the mask baby! Whether you like it or not, COVID is here to stay. Think of this as shiat on a shoe. Even if you think you removed it from your shoe, it’s still there. That smell. You just can’t get rid of it.

This is analogous to COVID. Get it?

COVID is NOT goin’ away. At least not until more people get vaccinated.

I for one, never had COVID. I have no idea why I did not catch this virus, or, shall I say, COVID never caught me. However, I march on!

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention Tips

I have done everything my spiritual leader Dr. Fauci requested

  1. Wear a mask indoors at public places.
  2. I got vaccinated.
  3. I wash my hands all day long.
  4. I take a shower at least once a day (for good measure).

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention List is based on Science. However, in addition to Fauci’s list, we Hot Mamas need to follow a COVID Prevention List that is an outgrowth of everyday life.

I don’t know about y’all, but I have created my own COVID Prevention Tips List which is based on Gay’s Common Sense.

Gay’s COVID Prevention Tips not Mentioned by Dr. Fauci:

1. Get SCOPE/Breath Freshener Spray for your breath! When you wear a mask, FYI, your breath stinks!

2. Wear a mask in bed: for relationships that are falling apart due to the pandemic, masking is a great excuse, I mean priceless opportunity to ‘stay safe’.

3. For Vaccinated families: Too much togetherness! INfighting has returned! Don’t we know it honey! That Delta Variant is yet another great excuse for postponing family gatherings.

4. If you are shopping at TJ Maxx and you see another hot mama checkin’ out a designer label dress in your size, feign a coughing attack! Watch everyone run away from you! Go in for the kill and grab the dress!

5. Remember, coughing is the new fart!

Stay tuned…tomorrow is another day!

Luncheon Scoop Page 6

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART XII

Gay and Tracy Anderson courtesy: Melanie Dunea

Greetings from East Hampton, NY!

Like Wow! My first luncheon in over 20 months!

You betcha baby! This event was liberating. No masks. Peeps vaccinated. What a wonderful opportunity to ‘mingle’ again. It was akin to a ‘Get Out of COVID Jail Free Card’.

Kudos to Tracy

Sistahs, y’all gotta give credit when credit is deserved. Tracy hosted this intimate soirée to join with Grazia Magazine USA to celebrate their recent publication “The Grazia Gazette: The Hamptons Volume II.

And I got invited!

I know! You are just dyin’ to know what the event was like!

Well, let’s set the scene.

East Hampton Point

If I must say so myself, Tracy and her team, were brilliant in picking this location.

The ‘Point’ has always been a spectacular location for a restaurant. It is situated on the harbor in East Hampton, where you can literally soak in the sun, boats and be part of that swanky, upscale bar scene.

Bring it on girlfriends! Welcome back to the good ole’ new days!

See and Be Seen!

Gay is bustin’ loose sistahs! Break out out the booze, pop the champagne, and let’s party!

In Gay’s fantasy world, I envisioned myself sashayin’ through the restaurant to schmooze with any famous peeps that could be at this event.

And y’all know me, I was on a mission to find at least one celeb! Amen to that!

Glammed up!

If I do say so myself, I think I just might have pulled off my master plan to look absolutely stunnin’! I’d love to look breath-takin’, but let’s not push it.

Fear Not sistahood! Despite the obstacles thrown in my path, notably aging, a bad back, bad feet, gross hands and nails, bags under my eyes, and perilous belly bloat, I was determined to create a vision of a new Gay that would last the duration of the luncheon.

Indeed. Think of an older version of the fairy tale Cinderella, but no fairy godmama, and an old(er) Cindy.

The only fairy dust I had was a tube of some miracle under eye cream that purportedly magically erases wrinkles and flattens those dark, puffy circles.

Gimme Gimme Gimme!

Problem: the cream only works for a few hours, and then everything goes back to shiat.

Yes, my tale could end up worse than Cindy’s. Could you imagine I’m a schmoozin’ with a celeb, and all of a sudden, one eye, then another eye, starts to sag and puff out? Oh, the shame of it all. Timin’ is everything, and I cannot overstay my welcome!

The Dress

I tried my bestest. I shopped at the finest of stores, TJ Maxx in Bridgehampton. And girl, did I ever luck out! I almost had to run over another chick to grab that dress.

As I live and breathe, the day that I scored a Theory dress and cute Wedges was a very good day. Go figure! Better than sex!

Why better than sex? The dress and shoes last way longer than one orgasm! Think girls, think!

But a dress don’t glam you up. No, no, no. Bring on the jewels and the fancy schmancy handbag! Even if they be faux, no matter ladies! You have to package yourself and give the image that you are the real deal baby!

Remember my mantra: It is not how you feel, but it is how you look! And dahlin’, you look mahvelous!

Main Event

Fellow hot mamas, I did it. Yes! Despite my deep rooted insecurities, I pulled off the impossible and, if I do say so myself, actually looked damn good! Or, as good as I can look at this point in my life.

The Wine, The Peeps!

Life. A beautiful thing. Particularly when you are schmoozin’ in East Hampton and the Rosé was just a-flowin’.

And yes, Garçon, s’il vous plaît, I shall have another glass!

After cocktails, we were escorted to a secluded porch and were seated at a very long table, which was adorned with fresh flowers and beautiful linen. My seat was purr-fect. Really. I had a direct view of the harbor, and even spotted a stunning yacht or two. Not too bad for moi, a nobody.

However, who knew I would be seated alongside the nicest, funniest people. Really. Go figure! I met a professional photographer, a Branding Expert, a Marketing Expert, and a person who sells Caviar. Wow. What fun!

I could go on and on about this soirée, however, time was a tickin’! After a few hours, I realized I needed to make a dash for it, before I turned back into a 57 year old woman who was cooped up in a house for 18 months.

I also had another engagement I needed to attend, so it was time for me to skedaddle! I know, such a busy person! So many places to go, people to see!

I bid a fond adieu to my new friends and drove off to the next event! The good news was that as I looked into the car’s rearview mirror, I noticed my eyes were still intact and the eye cream was in fact magical.

Maybe I do have a fairy godmama?