An Evening Summer Hamptons Beach Walk!

Hamptons Beach

The Hamptons. As the sun sets to a perfect summer day, there is nothing better than taking a walk at the beach along the shoreline.

In truth, I believe the Hamptons beaches are truly magical. Indeed. Perhaps that is why people flock to the Hamptons like ants at a picnic. Sure! Peeps who flee the summer sweltering heat of NYC, the smell of roastin’ garbage, and boilin’ asphalt, crave the natural habitat of the hamptons.

Yes ma’m. The Hamptons are explodin’ with NYC peeps who want to be ‘one with nature’. They love to stop and smell the roses that are a bloomin’; watch the annual return of the monarch butterflies; observe the Ospreys who are nurting their babies in their nests on the dedicated nesting poles that hover above the Hamptons; or simply tend to their vegetable gardens that thrive in the naturally nutrient rich soil.

Really? Do ya think all the city peeps come for the nature? Hell No!

They come to party! But… we are talkin’ about beaches. Save city folk stories for another day!

The Evening Beach Walk

I raised my kids in the Hamptons. In the summer, we love to walk along the beach at night. When very few people are there. It is quiet. In fact, peaceful.

Celebrity Alert!

A few nights ago, after dinner, I took that beach walk with my hubby, my neighbor Linda and her dog, Bella (a 12 pound ‘Pomsky’). And yes, my dog Latte, aka ‘The Queen’, a small, white Havanese. Dogs are allowed on the beach after 5pm.

As I live and breathe, we came upon a local Celeb. You betcha baby! Of course, my hubby and Linda were totally oblivious. What NOT a surprise!

I recognize this person like ‘a mile away’ — our kids went to school together in the Hamptons. I know, totally cool! Right?

Let’s set the scene:

As we get closer, our two entourages meet. You know my non-famous nobody group. Who has she got along for the walk? OMG, like her pseudo-famous daughter and her fiancé, and their cute little dog.

Greetings!

If you know me, and you should by now, I swoop in for the ‘hello’!

You betcha! I stop walkin’. No, I do not jump in front of the celeb, so she stops walkin’. Don’t be silly. I am not that desperate!

I said ‘hi’. Then I say, ‘I know, you don’t remember me, but our kids went to school together’. And by the by, my older son said, “Mom, you do this every time you see her”.

But really, she never remembers me. Her response, ever so polite, is, “Oh yes! Hi!”. Wouldn’t that be nice, if it weren’t BULLSHIAT! Whatever. And by the by, her kids are great.

Anyways, I ask her how her kids are doing, blah, blah, blah, she asks about mine, blah, blah, blah, and we parted ways.

Natural Beauty

To be clear, my nobody entourage are all walkin’ in tee shirts and shorts. No make-up, hair a mess. I may even have a stain or two on my clothes from eatin’ and cookin’.

The Celeb and her daughter, however, were a totally different vision. Like OMG! They wore sun dresses, make-up, even lipstick. Picture perfect.

I shan’t identify the celeb, however, my friend Linda thought she did not look like anything in her photos or tv appearances. I actually thought she looked great. Really. And she is O-L-D. Let me clarify, she is in her 60’s, while I am clinging onto my 50’s for dear life.

She publicly professes her aging is natural, and never had cosmetic surgery. Sistah, if that be true, then I’ll have what you be drinkin’.

I have the best dermatologists on both coasts. I even have a wellness doctor who loads me up on a daily ritual of concoctions of vitamins, minerals, collagen powder, and hormones in an attempt to beat back aging.

Despite my valiant efforts, and I am younger than that sistah Celeb, she is really a hot mama. Kudos to her.

Catch Ya’ on Return Trip!

As luck would have it for me, I got to see this hot mama goddess again on the return walk home.

And this time, she stopped, asked whether my older son was home now. Why, I have no idea.

Go figure.

Can we be friends now?

To be continued…

HAMPTONS BIKINI READY? NOT! (Maybe Boca!)

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART VII!

Hot Mama??

Sistahs… Is that as good as it gets?

The Future Me

Honeys, is this what we all have to look forward to? Is this the end of the road for us?

Have you seen my mama lately??

Will that person in the photo be MOI sittin’ on the beach in Bridgehampton this summer? Will US Magazine sneak a photo of me dabbin’ my toe in the ocean and feature me in the “Just Like Us” section?

Will my girlfriend Kristin, who is turnin’ 50 this Friday, look like this? What about Faith, Lori, Linda, Denise, Hope, Michael, Ellen, Brenda, David, Leslie, Barry, Monique, Stephanie, Susie, Terry…?

Be scared sistahs, be very scared. If this is my fate, what in god’s name will become of y’all?

Oh… and brotha’s, we know what y’all look like after 50. Fools, stop snickerin’! Y’all not pretty at all. Nope. Nope. Nope.

What becomes of us? After the years and years of sit-ups, crunches, lunges, will we all be beaten down by the cruel duo of Mother Nature and Father Time?

They are so mean. They ruin everything. They take all the fun out of a room and add excessive old lady perfume and flatulence. Really that bad.

BASTA!

Screw that bullshiat my brethren. I shall stare down mother nature and father time. I shan’t be bullied! I will not cower in their shadow!

I will go to the beach this summer with my itty-bitty-titties inflated in a Victoria Secret extra-padded double-your-size push-up bikini top, reclaim my muscle tone and strut my hot mama bod!

The Plan!

I gotta’ step up my game my sistahs! I will not quietly fade away to South Florida, as my brethren before me.

I’m callin’ my friend Tracy. Yes, ‘that’ Tracy Anderson — the celebrity fitness trainer. AKA: The GODdess.

Word on the street in the Hamptons is that the GODdess has returned to her DOJO and will resume classes!

Move Over Biatches!

OMG! I need to score a coveted spot in her class!!! I am desperate!

You betcha baby! I am bitin’ the bullet! I need to step-up my game! My plan is to not only tell Mama Nature to “step back girl”, but order Daddy Time to “take your lecherous hands off me biatch”!

Tune in tomorrow to see if Tracy returned my call…

THE HAMPTONS “MEMORABLE” DAY WEEKEND

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART IV

Memorial Day Weekend in the Hamptons! The official start of summer! The Sun! The Beaches! The Pool! The Barbeques! The predictable rain, wind and cold!

Mama Nature Laughed!

Mama nature snubbed all the Hamptons summer peeps! Honey, SHE rained on their parade! Mama nature laughed as she unleashed a torrential rainstorm of epic proportion. It was cold. It was ridiculously windy. And it was SOOO wet.

Fun in the sun? Ha! She proclaimed , ‘kiss my arse’!

A Total Wash-Out

The summer season in the Hamptons is from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Each day is a precious commodity. Hell, it is just so expensive to rent during the summer months in the Hamptons.

Each day lost to the rain (particularly those on the weekends) can amount to hundreds if not thousands of dollars of lost opportunity on the beach; tennis court; golf course; and canoodlin’ at someone’s ocean front home.

Correction. Better odds for canoodlin’ in inclement weather! Please, I hope I do not have to explain. Hamptons…cocktailin’…get the message?

Not Fair!

My sistahs, I feel real emotion, from the bottom of my heart, for all the ‘poor people’ who’s Memorial Day was a wash-out.

Oy. My bad. Poor people? I was referring to the people who were ‘down on their luck’ as a result of the bad weather. Oh girlfriends, these renters are totally not impoverished. Hell no! They all toot ‘round town in their Rovers, G500’s, yadayadayada. .

However, my heart sincerely breaks for the people who rented a toney Hamptons estate for upwards of $1,000,000.00 dollars for the summer and did not have their expected and well- funded, fun in the sun. You heard me right dudes, count them zeros!

Tears to all the people who rented for the summer and their first weekend literally went down the cesspool drain… NOT!

The End of the Pandemic!

Word on Main Street in the Hamptons is that COVID is over! Woo Hoo! No masks! Huggin’, kissin’, canoodlin’, cocktailin’ is all permitted for the summer!

My word! What is a girl to do??!! Take my mask off and run wild in the Hamptons!

Ah, no. I don’t think so. Been there, done that a long time ago my brethren! Need my beauty sleep these days!

Vaccinated People Only!

Pardon moi… the above identified ‘fun’ is only for vaccinated people. You betcha baby! The Hamptons crowd ain’t stupid. We all jumped the line months ago to be fully vaccinated and are ready to P-A-R-T-Y!

Oh yeah baby! Bring on the new roarin’ twenties- only show proof of vaccination pa-leeze!

Hallelujah my Sistah’s and Brotha’s

And what, Pray Tell, was the best part of my weekend? No pun intended… Did you get the hint?

OMG! I am a devotee of the show POSE! You betcha baby! With a name like ‘Gay’, how could I simply not adore that show!

As I have been told, I am Gay, not gay. Get it?

Anyways…

The only saving grace of the soggy weekend was the POSE wedding of Papi and Angel. Even though it is just a ‘show’, like duh, it is based on real events in NYC, which by the way, happened to real people during another epidemic called AIDS. Remember that time?

Somehow, the 1980s and 1990s feel just like ‘yesterday’ to me. I was a twenty-something back then and coincidentally, started to rent a summer share in the Hamptons.

The Hamptons was totally cool, even back then, but my 1/3 weekend share was $750 for the summer. Hey, that’s all I could afford. Which, by the by, my mommy paid for! So there!

However, hanging over all of our heads, whether gay, straight, yellow, purple, three-eyed or whatever, was AIDS. And trust me girlfriends, everyone was scared.

To all my peeps out there, whereva you may be: As we emerge from the COVID pandemic, we should be grateful for the Pfizer, Moderna, J&J vaccine. Like you even have to ask why? That vaccine gives us the ability to free ourselves from the virus that shut the entire world down.

Last time I checked, still no AIDS cure. Food for thought.

I wish everyone in the Hamptons an amazing summer, filled with an abundance of sunshine, happiness, love and appreciation towards all people!

To be continued…