Hamptons Summer, Farewell

end of Hamptons summer

The Hamptons summer is over. Another chapter scribbled into to the comic book of life and Dan’s Papers.

The official conclusion of a Hamptons summer is marked by the Tuesday after Labor Day, known as ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’.

end of hamptons summer tumbleweeds

Do I have to explain everything? The rest of the stragglers, hanger ‘onners roll outa’ here as if they were tumbleweeds! Hence the phrase ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’. Oy vey!

We local folk are like, thank you, and leave now! We had enough of the traffic, the attitude (‘tude’), crowds, yada yada yada.

And Just Like That…

And just like that, summer is over. So sad. Not really.

When the summer peeps roll out of the Hamptons, it is like loosing your bloat after a menstrual cycle.

Girlfriends, ya know what I am talkin’ ‘bout! It’s like hallelujah, I can finally fit in those pants again!

Now that summer peeps are ensconced in NYC, I can finally score a dinner reservation at the posh restaurant Bistro Ete and make a left hand turn onto Montauk Highway.

Thank you summer peeps for not being here!

Hamptons Summer Memories

As I reflect on my summer of 2022, here are just a few quintessential Hamptons moments I will share with y’all.

COVID, Hamptons Summer Style

Well, we all thought COVID was over, but I got COVID in June. Despite getting four vaccines, having a great immune system, still got it.

That she-devil COVID decided to hang out with me in the Hamptons for the better part of the summer. You know what I am talking about. I am cool with any guest staying a few days, but for several weeks with no end in sight? COVID knows no boundaries.

COVID is a horrible house guest. That girl is a user and a taker. She sapped all the energy from me… I was exhausted from hosting her. She just barged into my life, unannounced. What a Biatch! She used me to stay in the glamorous Hamptons for a summer experience. Her plan was to invade the Hamptons and party every night. Boy, that girl has big balls!

Not on my watch Sistah! I caught her right away, and never let her out of the house.

And I ask you…Why me? I did everything for her. Let her sleep as long as she needed; did not ask her to help around the house; and I fed her great meals. And you ask, what did she do for me? That biatch gave me post-COVID migraine headaches that promptly started every day, for several weeks at 5pm. NO cocktails for Gay. I was drowning my pain and agony in Excedrin for Migraine Headaches with Advil chasers.

That Biatch finally lost her hold on me…and she packed up and left. I was just shy of getting an exorcism.

Share the Hamptons Summer Roads

Nobody, no one shares the road during a Hamptons Summer. Cyclists, bicycle riders, runners, joggers, walkers and cars do not share the road. It is all about ‘me me me’, losing weight, and fittin’ into that speedo.

Who knew the Hamptons attracted so many weekend warriors who take to the streets! The sheer number of fitness enthusiasts are staggering! So many Hamptons peeps are passionate about breaking a sweat. Go figure…

There are the fitness peeps – the runners (not joggers) and the cyclists (not bike riders). The runners and cyclists are athletes – they are on a mission. They are determined to get their mileage logged in for the day. They are on the road early, so as to avoid getting hit by a car. Smart.

The bike riders, who I fondly call ‘idiots on bikes’, and the walkers, are herded together side by side as if they were in a parade. They pretend to be blissfully ignorant of the line-up of Range Rovers, Ferraris and Bentleys trailing behind them.

Just a battle of egos… these are the same peeps who did not share their toys in Kindergarten. I did not like them then, and I don’t like them now.

Bid Adieu

On Tumbleweed Tuesday, we bid a fond adieu to our neighbors. The Hamptons roads are less congested, which is such a relief. However, the skies are filled with helicopters akin to taxis, taking all the summer folks back to the city. And of course the flight pattern is over my house.

Excuse me? Drive back to NYC in all that traffic with the peasants?

See y’all next summer!

LOUD AND PROUD TO BE A NEGATIVE COVID PERSON!

My At-Home-COVID Test Results

You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!

As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.

First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.

Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’

Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!

My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.

To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.

The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!

COVID DAY 7: ENOUGH!

Self-Portrait

Does this ever end?

Oy! Please, enough already! Today is Day 7, and to be honest, I have had enough of COVID. Sadly, it has not had enough of me. Not an equitable relationship.

The problem with getting COVID, is that it’s just not your common cold.

As we all know by now, COVID affects each person differently. Some people who test positive for COVID are ‘asymptomatic’ and experience no symptoms. However, they are still a walking petri dish and still must isolate. Then there are the spectrum of folks who experience mild symptoms (like me), moderate symptoms and just fall apart for a week or two, and those who experience severe symptoms, who need to be hospitalized and just may succumb to the virus. Scary, right?

Since COVID is a highly contagious virus, and, if a person cares about another human being, well, you want to do the right thing and isolate. Yes, you do the right thing and stay away from other people (even if you hate them).

Isolating at Home

I suppose I am lucky. My kids are out of the house, and it is just me and my husband. Akin to two people stranded on an island. In this case, Long Island. So dreamy, right? Nah, I don’t think so.

Despite having 100 COVID shots between us (just joking), since the minute I tested positive for COVID, I am now sleeping in my younger son’s bedroom. The room is a time capsule, intact from last year, when he graduated from College.

My husband is still testing negative, which is great for him. To keep him negative, I wear a KN95 mask in the house, and Lysol spray is my new perfume. I know, sexy, right?

When it is not raining and there are no gale force winds, we can dine together, outside. What a real treat.

Now, for some people who can’t stand their spouses, COVID is a great excuse to stay away. Right? A self-imposed separation. For some odd reason, I actually like the guy I married. Call me crazy, or maybe it is the COVID brain? But, it has been hard to be separated.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. First off, amazing we made it to 27 years of marriage! Woo Hoo! Second, we shall celebrate just ‘the two of us.’ Our plans were cancelled, because I am still testing positive for COVID. For heavens sake…no one has hugged me in a week!

Perks of Day 7 of COVID

So exciting! Made it to day 7 of COVID! So many doors have opened to me as per the CDC. Since I am finishing my Paxlovid, have experienced mild symptoms, never had a fever, and I can now go out in Public. But, there is always that but… I am required to wear a mask at all times.

To make sure I do not infect my fellow human beings (even the ones I can’t stand), I wear two KN95 masks.

Remaining Symptoms

COVID has left me tired, and I have a raspy, hoarse voice. Once the symptoms of COVID rooted, I had an extremely upset stomach, which contributed to the weight loss I experienced. (You can fill in the gory details.)

I am always the optimistic: my bikini will look awesome this summer, or whatever that means for a 58 year old hot mama!

To be continued…

COVID DAY 5: I CAN’T MOVE

Says it all…

Dear Diary,

This is now Day 5 of COVID. I am exhausted. I literally can’t move. It is hard to believe this is a ‘mild’ case of COVID.

Even though I am not a Board Certified Physician, I am a certifiable Jewess Mama Doc. I believe the Paxlovid antiviral drug I am taking stopped COVID in its tracks. Yes, the symptoms stopped getting worse. 

I would opine there is an internal struggle going on at this very moment in my ole’ body to defeat COVID. Thus, I am totally wiped out. This never happens to me. 

What is totally odd, is that my mind is clear. I can think. I am not experiencing COVID ‘brain fog.’ In fact, my neck has been killing me for months, and that pain has greatly diminished. So weird. 

Sleepin’ and Dreamin’

Hallelujah, I slept last night. 11 hours, which is so not normal for me. As you know my Dear Diary, as a Menopausal Mama, I am lucky if I sleep 6 hours a night due to my punctual pee-pee wake-ups every 2 hours.

Diary, I did have an odd dream. The last dream I remember, was that I was sitting in a Denny’s restaurant that was also a bagel shoppe; and I ordered eggs and an English Muffin for breakfast. So odd, right? I skipped the poppy-seed bagel, hash-browns and bacon because I wanted to ‘watch my weight’ and keep my cholesterol low. 

Diary, what a relief that I am concerned about my health in my dreams! But really, this is what I dream about? 

Oy vey. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.

To be continued…

An Evening Summer Hamptons Beach Walk!

Hamptons Beach

The Hamptons. As the sun sets to a perfect summer day, there is nothing better than taking a walk at the beach along the shoreline.

In truth, I believe the Hamptons beaches are truly magical. Indeed. Perhaps that is why people flock to the Hamptons like ants at a picnic. Sure! Peeps who flee the summer sweltering heat of NYC, the smell of roastin’ garbage, and boilin’ asphalt, crave the natural habitat of the hamptons.

Yes ma’m. The Hamptons are explodin’ with NYC peeps who want to be ‘one with nature’. They love to stop and smell the roses that are a bloomin’; watch the annual return of the monarch butterflies; observe the Ospreys who are nurting their babies in their nests on the dedicated nesting poles that hover above the Hamptons; or simply tend to their vegetable gardens that thrive in the naturally nutrient rich soil.

Really? Do ya think all the city peeps come for the nature? Hell No!

They come to party! But… we are talkin’ about beaches. Save city folk stories for another day!

The Evening Beach Walk

I raised my kids in the Hamptons. In the summer, we love to walk along the beach at night. When very few people are there. It is quiet. In fact, peaceful.

Celebrity Alert!

A few nights ago, after dinner, I took that beach walk with my hubby, my neighbor Linda and her dog, Bella (a 12 pound ‘Pomsky’). And yes, my dog Latte, aka ‘The Queen’, a small, white Havanese. Dogs are allowed on the beach after 5pm.

As I live and breathe, we came upon a local Celeb. You betcha baby! Of course, my hubby and Linda were totally oblivious. What NOT a surprise!

I recognize this person like ‘a mile away’ — our kids went to school together in the Hamptons. I know, totally cool! Right?

Let’s set the scene:

As we get closer, our two entourages meet. You know my non-famous nobody group. Who has she got along for the walk? OMG, like her pseudo-famous daughter and her fiancé, and their cute little dog.

Greetings!

If you know me, and you should by now, I swoop in for the ‘hello’!

You betcha! I stop walkin’. No, I do not jump in front of the celeb, so she stops walkin’. Don’t be silly. I am not that desperate!

I said ‘hi’. Then I say, ‘I know, you don’t remember me, but our kids went to school together’. And by the by, my older son said, “Mom, you do this every time you see her”.

But really, she never remembers me. Her response, ever so polite, is, “Oh yes! Hi!”. Wouldn’t that be nice, if it weren’t BULLSHIAT! Whatever. And by the by, her kids are great.

Anyways, I ask her how her kids are doing, blah, blah, blah, she asks about mine, blah, blah, blah, and we parted ways.

Natural Beauty

To be clear, my nobody entourage are all walkin’ in tee shirts and shorts. No make-up, hair a mess. I may even have a stain or two on my clothes from eatin’ and cookin’.

The Celeb and her daughter, however, were a totally different vision. Like OMG! They wore sun dresses, make-up, even lipstick. Picture perfect.

I shan’t identify the celeb, however, my friend Linda thought she did not look like anything in her photos or tv appearances. I actually thought she looked great. Really. And she is O-L-D. Let me clarify, she is in her 60’s, while I am clinging onto my 50’s for dear life.

She publicly professes her aging is natural, and never had cosmetic surgery. Sistah, if that be true, then I’ll have what you be drinkin’.

I have the best dermatologists on both coasts. I even have a wellness doctor who loads me up on a daily ritual of concoctions of vitamins, minerals, collagen powder, and hormones in an attempt to beat back aging.

Despite my valiant efforts, and I am younger than that sistah Celeb, she is really a hot mama. Kudos to her.

Catch Ya’ on Return Trip!

As luck would have it for me, I got to see this hot mama goddess again on the return walk home.

And this time, she stopped, asked whether my older son was home now. Why, I have no idea.

Go figure.

Can we be friends now?

To be continued…

HAMPTONS BIKINI READY? NOT! (Maybe Boca!)

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART VII!

Hot Mama??

Sistahs… Is that as good as it gets?

The Future Me

Honeys, is this what we all have to look forward to? Is this the end of the road for us?

Have you seen my mama lately??

Will that person in the photo be MOI sittin’ on the beach in Bridgehampton this summer? Will US Magazine sneak a photo of me dabbin’ my toe in the ocean and feature me in the “Just Like Us” section?

Will my girlfriend Kristin, who is turnin’ 50 this Friday, look like this? What about Faith, Lori, Linda, Denise, Hope, Michael, Ellen, Brenda, David, Leslie, Barry, Monique, Stephanie, Susie, Terry…?

Be scared sistahs, be very scared. If this is my fate, what in god’s name will become of y’all?

Oh… and brotha’s, we know what y’all look like after 50. Fools, stop snickerin’! Y’all not pretty at all. Nope. Nope. Nope.

What becomes of us? After the years and years of sit-ups, crunches, lunges, will we all be beaten down by the cruel duo of Mother Nature and Father Time?

They are so mean. They ruin everything. They take all the fun out of a room and add excessive old lady perfume and flatulence. Really that bad.

BASTA!

Screw that bullshiat my brethren. I shall stare down mother nature and father time. I shan’t be bullied! I will not cower in their shadow!

I will go to the beach this summer with my itty-bitty-titties inflated in a Victoria Secret extra-padded double-your-size push-up bikini top, reclaim my muscle tone and strut my hot mama bod!

The Plan!

I gotta’ step up my game my sistahs! I will not quietly fade away to South Florida, as my brethren before me.

I’m callin’ my friend Tracy. Yes, ‘that’ Tracy Anderson — the celebrity fitness trainer. AKA: The GODdess.

Word on the street in the Hamptons is that the GODdess has returned to her DOJO and will resume classes!

Move Over Biatches!

OMG! I need to score a coveted spot in her class!!! I am desperate!

You betcha baby! I am bitin’ the bullet! I need to step-up my game! My plan is to not only tell Mama Nature to “step back girl”, but order Daddy Time to “take your lecherous hands off me biatch”!

Tune in tomorrow to see if Tracy returned my call…

THE HAMPTONS “MEMORABLE” DAY WEEKEND

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART IV

Memorial Day Weekend in the Hamptons! The official start of summer! The Sun! The Beaches! The Pool! The Barbeques! The predictable rain, wind and cold!

Mama Nature Laughed!

Mama nature snubbed all the Hamptons summer peeps! Honey, SHE rained on their parade! Mama nature laughed as she unleashed a torrential rainstorm of epic proportion. It was cold. It was ridiculously windy. And it was SOOO wet.

Fun in the sun? Ha! She proclaimed , ‘kiss my arse’!

A Total Wash-Out

The summer season in the Hamptons is from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Each day is a precious commodity. Hell, it is just so expensive to rent during the summer months in the Hamptons.

Each day lost to the rain (particularly those on the weekends) can amount to hundreds if not thousands of dollars of lost opportunity on the beach; tennis court; golf course; and canoodlin’ at someone’s ocean front home.

Correction. Better odds for canoodlin’ in inclement weather! Please, I hope I do not have to explain. Hamptons…cocktailin’…get the message?

Not Fair!

My sistahs, I feel real emotion, from the bottom of my heart, for all the ‘poor people’ who’s Memorial Day was a wash-out.

Oy. My bad. Poor people? I was referring to the people who were ‘down on their luck’ as a result of the bad weather. Oh girlfriends, these renters are totally not impoverished. Hell no! They all toot ‘round town in their Rovers, G500’s, yadayadayada. .

However, my heart sincerely breaks for the people who rented a toney Hamptons estate for upwards of $1,000,000.00 dollars for the summer and did not have their expected and well- funded, fun in the sun. You heard me right dudes, count them zeros!

Tears to all the people who rented for the summer and their first weekend literally went down the cesspool drain… NOT!

The End of the Pandemic!

Word on Main Street in the Hamptons is that COVID is over! Woo Hoo! No masks! Huggin’, kissin’, canoodlin’, cocktailin’ is all permitted for the summer!

My word! What is a girl to do??!! Take my mask off and run wild in the Hamptons!

Ah, no. I don’t think so. Been there, done that a long time ago my brethren! Need my beauty sleep these days!

Vaccinated People Only!

Pardon moi… the above identified ‘fun’ is only for vaccinated people. You betcha baby! The Hamptons crowd ain’t stupid. We all jumped the line months ago to be fully vaccinated and are ready to P-A-R-T-Y!

Oh yeah baby! Bring on the new roarin’ twenties- only show proof of vaccination pa-leeze!

Hallelujah my Sistah’s and Brotha’s

And what, Pray Tell, was the best part of my weekend? No pun intended… Did you get the hint?

OMG! I am a devotee of the show POSE! You betcha baby! With a name like ‘Gay’, how could I simply not adore that show!

As I have been told, I am Gay, not gay. Get it?

Anyways…

The only saving grace of the soggy weekend was the POSE wedding of Papi and Angel. Even though it is just a ‘show’, like duh, it is based on real events in NYC, which by the way, happened to real people during another epidemic called AIDS. Remember that time?

Somehow, the 1980s and 1990s feel just like ‘yesterday’ to me. I was a twenty-something back then and coincidentally, started to rent a summer share in the Hamptons.

The Hamptons was totally cool, even back then, but my 1/3 weekend share was $750 for the summer. Hey, that’s all I could afford. Which, by the by, my mommy paid for! So there!

However, hanging over all of our heads, whether gay, straight, yellow, purple, three-eyed or whatever, was AIDS. And trust me girlfriends, everyone was scared.

To all my peeps out there, whereva you may be: As we emerge from the COVID pandemic, we should be grateful for the Pfizer, Moderna, J&J vaccine. Like you even have to ask why? That vaccine gives us the ability to free ourselves from the virus that shut the entire world down.

Last time I checked, still no AIDS cure. Food for thought.

I wish everyone in the Hamptons an amazing summer, filled with an abundance of sunshine, happiness, love and appreciation towards all people!

To be continued…