Hamptons Summer, Farewell

end of Hamptons summer

The Hamptons summer is over. Another chapter scribbled into to the comic book of life and Dan’s Papers.

The official conclusion of a Hamptons summer is marked by the Tuesday after Labor Day, known as ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’.

end of hamptons summer tumbleweeds

Do I have to explain everything? The rest of the stragglers, hanger ‘onners roll outa’ here as if they were tumbleweeds! Hence the phrase ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’. Oy vey!

We local folk are like, thank you, and leave now! We had enough of the traffic, the attitude (‘tude’), crowds, yada yada yada.

And Just Like That…

And just like that, summer is over. So sad. Not really.

When the summer peeps roll out of the Hamptons, it is like loosing your bloat after a menstrual cycle.

Girlfriends, ya know what I am talkin’ ‘bout! It’s like hallelujah, I can finally fit in those pants again!

Now that summer peeps are ensconced in NYC, I can finally score a dinner reservation at the posh restaurant Bistro Ete and make a left hand turn onto Montauk Highway.

Thank you summer peeps for not being here!

Hamptons Summer Memories

As I reflect on my summer of 2022, here are just a few quintessential Hamptons moments I will share with y’all.

COVID, Hamptons Summer Style

Well, we all thought COVID was over, but I got COVID in June. Despite getting four vaccines, having a great immune system, still got it.

That she-devil COVID decided to hang out with me in the Hamptons for the better part of the summer. You know what I am talking about. I am cool with any guest staying a few days, but for several weeks with no end in sight? COVID knows no boundaries.

COVID is a horrible house guest. That girl is a user and a taker. She sapped all the energy from me… I was exhausted from hosting her. She just barged into my life, unannounced. What a Biatch! She used me to stay in the glamorous Hamptons for a summer experience. Her plan was to invade the Hamptons and party every night. Boy, that girl has big balls!

Not on my watch Sistah! I caught her right away, and never let her out of the house.

And I ask you…Why me? I did everything for her. Let her sleep as long as she needed; did not ask her to help around the house; and I fed her great meals. And you ask, what did she do for me? That biatch gave me post-COVID migraine headaches that promptly started every day, for several weeks at 5pm. NO cocktails for Gay. I was drowning my pain and agony in Excedrin for Migraine Headaches with Advil chasers.

That Biatch finally lost her hold on me…and she packed up and left. I was just shy of getting an exorcism.

Share the Hamptons Summer Roads

Nobody, no one shares the road during a Hamptons Summer. Cyclists, bicycle riders, runners, joggers, walkers and cars do not share the road. It is all about ‘me me me’, losing weight, and fittin’ into that speedo.

Who knew the Hamptons attracted so many weekend warriors who take to the streets! The sheer number of fitness enthusiasts are staggering! So many Hamptons peeps are passionate about breaking a sweat. Go figure…

There are the fitness peeps – the runners (not joggers) and the cyclists (not bike riders). The runners and cyclists are athletes – they are on a mission. They are determined to get their mileage logged in for the day. They are on the road early, so as to avoid getting hit by a car. Smart.

The bike riders, who I fondly call ‘idiots on bikes’, and the walkers, are herded together side by side as if they were in a parade. They pretend to be blissfully ignorant of the line-up of Range Rovers, Ferraris and Bentleys trailing behind them.

Just a battle of egos… these are the same peeps who did not share their toys in Kindergarten. I did not like them then, and I don’t like them now.

Bid Adieu

On Tumbleweed Tuesday, we bid a fond adieu to our neighbors. The Hamptons roads are less congested, which is such a relief. However, the skies are filled with helicopters akin to taxis, taking all the summer folks back to the city. And of course the flight pattern is over my house.

Excuse me? Drive back to NYC in all that traffic with the peasants?

See y’all next summer!

WHY DO GUN OWNERS HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER THEIR GUNS, THAN WOMEN HAVE OVER THEIR OWN BODIES?

U.S Supreme Court Decisions Based on Feelings, NOT the Law

America

Welcome to America. The gun totin’ capital of the world.

Last week’s news: the Highland Park, Illinois Fourth of July Parade Massacre. 7 innocent souls murdered, and 39 others injured. To be clear, the word ‘injury,’ should not be confused with a ‘bruised knee.’ One of the shooting victims, an 8 year old child, sustained life threatening injuries; the bullet that tore through his small body severed his spine. He is now paralyzed from the waist down.

A Fourth of July Celebration is typically celebrated with friends, family, parades, hot dogs, ice cream and fireworks. NOT Military grade weapons used to fire upon human beings in tee shirts and shorts on a warm summer day who are merely spectators sitting on lawn chairs waiving U.S. flags and children blowing bubbles along the parade route.

I am disgusted. And how do you feel?

More importantly, do you wonder how the Supreme Court Conservative Justices feel? Oh, wait a gosh darn minute! They ruled it is totally okay to walk around the United States of America with a gun. Any gun.

What contrived constitutional excuse will they come up with to justify another mass shooting?

The Founding Fathers who wrote the U.S. Constitution, are literally rolling over in their graves as to how the Justices have twisted the meaning of the Second Amendment’s ‘Right to Bear Arms.’

At this point, any law abiding citizen must wonder…Do the Justices even have feelings? Do they care about the catastrophic impact their rulings are having on today’s society? Oh yes they do!

Based on their recent rulings, the Justices feel:

1. A woman has no rights.

2. A woman has no rights, because these Justices took away the right for women to make personal decisions over HER own body.

3. The Justices feel human life is sacrosanct. Therefore, abortion is illegal.

4. The Justices feel that law abiding citizens can carry guns outside of the home, anywhere in the United States to protect themselves.

5. The Justices feel that human life of a gun owner is sacrosanct. Therefore, a law abiding citizen can carry a gun, and can use that gun to shoot and to kill another human being if that gun totin’ person feels threatened.

6. Do not quibble over the words ‘feel threatened;’ if a person feels threatened, that person can and will protect themselves. The Court essentially gave the green light to shoot to kill. Hey, I did not write that decision, the Conservative Justices handed that decision down last week.

I have a few questions for the Conservative Justices:

1. What is the definition of a Law Abiding Citizen as per the US Supreme Court today?

2. Who is afforded the rights of a Law Abiding Citizen? Any person?

3. Is a person who lawfully obtains a gun a Law Abiding Citizen?

4. Is a person who lawfully obtains a gun, and then intentionally shoots at other law abiding citizens watching a parade, a Law Abiding Citizen?

5. Is a fetus a Law Abiding Citizen?

6. Is a Woman a Law Abiding Citizen?

7. Is a Child a Law Abiding Citizen?

8. Is a ten year old girl who is raped considered by the Court to be a Law Abiding Citizen?

9. How does the Court define ‘Human Life’?

10. Are Justices, who went to Law School, not Medical School, qualified to determine when Human Life Begins?

11. What value do the Justices place on a Human Life?

12. Is the term ‘Human Life’ only applicable to a fetus?

13. Is the term ‘Human Life’ applicable to victims of gun violence?

14. Is the term ‘Human Life’ applicable to white, brown, purple human beings, women and girls?

15. Last week, a 10 year old rape victim was 6 weeks pregnant and was denied the right to an abortion. What value does the Court place on that victim’s human life?

16. The Justices are not Physicians, not Scientists. Nor are they Clergy, although the Conservative Justices on the Court seem to be preaching religion. They strive to espouse virtuous morals…yet is it moral to force a 10 year old child who is a rape victim to give birth to the evidence of the crime committed upon her?

17. Does the Court ascribe Rights to victims of gun violence?

18. Does the Court only ascribe Rights to Gun Owners?

19. Is the Right to Bear Arms greater than the rights of a victim of gun violence?

Hypothetical: What if a pregnant Woman who lives in Texas, a verified Law Abiding Citizen, walked into a Doctor’s office totin’ an AR 15, and demanded an abortion? She allegedly was protecting herself from the pregnancy, because she could die if she carried full term. Can this Woman assert her 2nd Amendment Right to Protect Her Own Body?

Reality: Why do gun owners have more control over their guns, than women have over their own bodies?

Microphone drop…

WAKE UP AMERICA!

VOTE for Freedom of Choice

In the Good ‘ole U.S. of A, there are people in this country who espouse conservative views as to how we ALL should live. Oh please. I know you are not surprised. It is not like I am re-inventing the wheel.

Trump, who’s name makes me cringe, was part of a bigger picture to satisfy the dreams and aspirations of the minority views of this country.

Trump was the vehicle these conservatives all used to fulfill their agenda. And by the by, these conservatives have been planning and plotting for over 50 years to mold the good ‘ole U.S. of A. into their own image of how this Country should look politically and socially.

Yes, they have been insidious, however, this was all done openly, in the public view. And no one stopped them. For years, conservatives have been changing how we vote; they continue to ‘re-district’ voting, change the boundaries to favor their own conservative candidates. They want to do away with absentee voting, limit the hours the vote, reduce the amount of places a citizen can vote, and in some cases, impose identification requirements that make it near impossible for some to vote. This is truly diabolical; it is all done to restrict access to voting. To prevent the ‘other voters’, namely democrats, people of color, poor people, people who live in rural areas, people who live in urban areas, from exercising their Constitutional Right to Vote.

Thus, these so-called ‘Conservative Folks’, have been for years, working at the State and Local levels to change the rules for voting. The upside is that their candidates win elections.

Oh, but wait, there is more. The Conservatives knew what they were doing. The goal was to control State AND Local Governments, to effectuate their political, social agenda.

Surprised? Oh come on. Really? And finally, drum roll, the moment they have been planning for 50 years… for the Supreme Court to Overturn Roe, and leave it to the individual States (that the Conservatives control), to effectuate a total Ban on abortion. Bingo.

I am not finished yet. Our reality gets worse. When Trump was President (help), he ‘appointed’ an excessive number of CONSERVATIVE Judges to sit on the the Federal Courts throughout the U.S.

Now, did Trump pick these conservative judges? Hell no. The bandwagon of conservatives, took control of that train, and crafted a new Federal Court system that would espouse Conservative views. Hence, the proverbial wheels were set in motion to ultimately overturn Roe.

Let’s talk about the current Justices on the Supreme Court. Again, no surprise. The three judges that Trump appointed, were part of this disgusting agenda to change America, for the worse. In the spirit of Trump, these “Supreme Court Appointees”, all lied when asked at their Senate Confirmation Hearings and private meetings to Senators, as to whether they would overturn Roe.

Trump lied to the American Public, so it naturally followed that his appointees to the highest court in our land, would lie as to their judicial intentions. I really have no words for this.

Wake Up America!

If you do not want to live in an oppressive society, where law-abiding citizens are stripped of their individual freedoms of choice, you must VOTE for the candidates who support a modern society that respects the right to privacy, the right to choose, the right to enjoy constitutional freedoms.

The reversal of Roe has sent shock waves around the world in all free societies. First world nations are looking at the U.S. and scratching their heads in disbelief. Why? Because as a Superpower, we moving backwards, and thwarting the will of the majority of Americans.

THE U.S. SUPREME COURT HAS NO REGARD FOR THE LIFE OF A WOMAN

The New Reality

The United States Supreme Court was once a Crown Jewel in the American experiment called Democracy. 

However, today the Court has fallen from grace. The Justices who voted to overturn Roe v Wade, all stated during their respective Senate Confirmation Hearings, which were televised, they would not overturn this case. In fact, many confirmed that Roe v Wade was settled case law, due to legal terms as ‘Precedent’ and ‘Stare Decisis.’ 

The Conservative Justices of the Court who voted to overturn Roe, are disgraceful. They are liars, and clearly do not have respect for the Supreme Court and the principles of precedent and stare decisis that, up until this moment, were the core foundation of this once heralded institution.

Now Clarence Thomas, the Justice who should resign from the Court due to the alleged seditious acts of his wife leading up to and on January 6, 2021, wants to ‘revisit the rulings’ in landmark Supreme Court Decisions that concerned same-sex marriage, contraception, and sodomy.

To be clear, Thomas took the ruling in Roe a step further, which is totally out-of-bounds with how the Court has historically presided over cases. 

This is outrageous! The Conservative Judges, Alito, Thomas, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Coney-Barrett, and Roberts, unequivocally disregard the will of the majority of Americans. The Court is tasked with the responsibility to have a consciousness as to where we are as a society. Moreover, a Judge should rule on the law, and not have their own personal belief system infect their decision making process. 

The dissenting opinion, penned by the liberal justices, wrote “no one should be confident that this Majority is done with its work.” 

Based on that ominous warning, the Conservative Justices are ‘gunning’ to take away more rights that we the people have enjoyed for decades.

Very scary indeed, in this day and age, in the United States of America, to be stripped of personal freedoms of choice. 

Shame, shame, shame.

A LICENSE TO KILL: THE U.S. SUPREME COURT HAS LOST ITS MIND

The Wild West

Today, the Supreme Court has officially lost its mind by ruling that the Second Amendment to the Constitution grant Americans the right to carry a gun in public. Anywhere, anytime.

Everyone Carry a Gun!

The Majority Opinion was penned by Justice Clarence Thomas, who wrote ‘that keeping firearms at home makes little sense.’ Yes, with this ruling, it makes more sense that someone walks into a subway station, a park, a place of worship, a supermarket, a nightclub, a music venue, with a gun. Words of wisdom from a person who should resign from the Court. Oh, but that is another story.

At issue of yesterday’s Supreme Court Ruling, was a New York State Law that was on the books for one hundred years. The Majority Opinion determined that “New York’s proper-cause requirement violates the Fourteenth Amendment in that it prevents -law-abiding citizens with ordinary self-defense needs from exercising their right to keep and bear arms.” Again, this ruling deems it important for a law-abiding citizen to walk around with a gun, anywhere.

The Supreme Court IGNORES the Pulse of the Majority of Americans

The Supreme Court is completely out of touch with the pulse of Society. The only pulse the Court is focused on is that of a six-week fetus’ non-existent heart-beat, which again, is another story.

However, it is clear the Court does not have its priorities in order. Namely, the health, welfare and safety of the American People.

Quite the opposite is true. On the one hand, the Court interprets the U.S. Constitution with a warped view that flooding the streets with guns affords Americans the protections of the Second Amendment. Somehow, the Justices believe that carrying guns in public is equated with public safety.

I am sorry. I do not understand that logic. You do not have to be a genius to know that if an ordinary, reasonable thinking person is walking around with a gun, that person is more likely to use the gun. Regardless of the level of provocation. Life happens.

Do Guns Protect People?

Do guns really protect people? Look at what happened at Robb Elementary School, located in Uvalde, Texas. One gunman enters an elementary school and murdered defenseless children and teachers. Despite cries for help from Children who were being shot at, law enforcement officials stood outside the school armed with guns, body armor, and yet they did not use their weaponry to save human beings. Did they need more guns to do their job?

Did the Justices on the Supreme Court think about this case? So what if they already wrote their decision prior to Uvalde. The decision could have been ripped up or deleted. No big deal.

Law-abiding citizens need rules and laws to govern a society. The clock has been turned backwards in our society, and we are now living in the wild west of the 1800s.

It is a sad day when Justices, despite all of their education and intelligence, display no common sense.

SPILLAGE AISLE 10!

Louisiana Red Hot Sauce

Dear Ms. Manners,

Last weekend, I shopped for groceries at the King Kullen Supermarket in Bridgehampton, NY.

If you did not know, Bridgehampton is located in the Hamptons. You know, the place where the beautiful, rich and famous peeps frolic.

Well, I go grocery shopping every single goddamn day. Sadly, I do not have a Chef, a Butler, a Personal Assistant, a Personal Trainer, etc. . I know Ms. Manners. Can you imagine? And I live in the Hamptons in the summer. Totally embarrassing.

My shopping experience was different this time. I came upon a major spillage in Aisle 10.

It was a total ‘hit and run.’ A real crime scene. ‘Someone’ knocked over several  Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Bottles. If y’all don’t know, this is one of the ingredients used to make spicy hot chicken wings.

And this really looked like a crime scene. The employees had the aisle roped off with yellow tape, the kind that the Police use. And this was a problem for me, I needed to go down that aisle. I had to get the Grey Poupon Mustard, which was stocked next to the Hot Sauce.

When I arrived at the crime scene, there was not one, not two, not three, not even four broken bottles on the floor… For the untrained eye, it was hard to tell how many bottles were broken. The floor was ‘a sea’ in Red Hot Sauce; broken and unbroken bottles were literally floating in the aisle. This was a job well done!

Ms. Manners, I know you are  wonderin,’ whether the person who crashed into the Red Hot Sauce bottles, which were neatly displayed on a shelf, reported this incident to a grocery store employee?”

I know, such a funny question to ponder.

Oh my oh my Ms. Manners! Girlfriend, this here is the Hamptons. Paleeze!

Hell no! Clearly the perpetrator (“perp”) of this incident scurried away…

Perhaps we should give the perp the benefit of the doubt? Maybe, just maybe, the perp did not know they ‘bumped into the Red Hot Sauce Bottles’ that were so neatly organized on a shelf by a grocery store employee? I just don’t know.

Personally, I try to believe in the ‘goodness of people,’ perhaps, just perhaps, the person did not hear the bottles (note ‘plural’ bottles), crash to the ground.

Ms. Manners, I use the word ‘crashed,’ because there was more than one bottle, and these were large bottles. Not the small table size bottles you would use at a restaurant. Again, you ask yourself “Didn’t the perp hear the bottles crash?

Well, Ms. Manners, all I can say, is that if the perp were profoundly deaf, daft, or did not have their hearing aids in, maybe, just maybe they did not hear the crash of all those bottles. Not to mention the splatter of the sauce, which was everywhere.

But really, we all know the perp who knocked all those bottles down, knew what they did. The perp probably checked the aisle to see if there were any witnesses, and then fled the scene of the crime. Like no one would see this mess? Really? Like the store has no video cameras?

Oh, but then things took a turn for the worse. Then there was the smell. Ms. Manners, Louisiana Red Hot Sauce is hot. The label says, ‘Red Hot Sauce’ for a reason. This hot sauce ain’t for the faint at heart.

Have you ever used Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Ms. Manners? Well, I love it. ‘Specially on my chicken wings.’ Oooooh that smell!

Ms. Manners, I could smell that sauce when I was about mile away near  Aisle 1. That smell was permeating the store. Even though it was 9:30am, I started to have a hankerin’ for some wings!

A Laughing Matter

In truth, employees and customers were laughing. Customers were taking photos; with the hope these pictures would go ‘viral.’ Nah, I don’t think so.

I could see the store employees were in absolutely no rush to clean this mess up. Who in their right mind would be? If you get Red Hot Sauce in an open wound on your fingers or hands, you will cry for your mama! And do not rub your fingers that are covered in hot sauce into your eyes, it can damn near burn them out of your head!

As for me, I told the employees we should all follow the trail of red footprints throughout the store, created by the person who had knocked over the bottles of Louisiana Red Hot Sauce. Just look for the perp whose shoes and legs were decorated with red splatter stains and would smell like a chicken wing.

Oh, and if you were wonderin,’ I prefer wings in extra hot sauce.

Cocktail Party Etiquette

Hogged the Silver Platter

Dear Ms. Manners,

Can you please tell me what is the proper etiquette for eating hors
d’oeuvres at a cocktail party?

I know, like duh, doesn’t everyone know how to eat hors d’oeuvres? Well,
obviously not if I have to ask Ms. Manners.

Several weeks ago, I attended a very fancy schmancy cocktail party in
Beverly Hills. I know what you are thinking, who in their right mind would
invite lil’ ole’ me to a party where I, yes I, would rub elbows with famous
peeps?

Now I know how to eat hors d’oeuvres. But, at this party, I had a front row
seat to watch a ‘famous person’ eat hors d’oeuvres as if they were from Mars.
Really. It was so ‘shocking beyond the pale,’ that I felt I was watching an
episode from the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

As a matter of fact, it could have been an episode from that show, because
the actress who portrays Larry David’s ex-wife just happened to be at this
event. Her real-life husband, may or may not have been at this event.

Scene of the Crime

Let’s set the scene of the crime: Waiters were serving fancy hors d’oeuvres.
In truth, I was hungry. However, I waited for the hors d’oeuvres that would
compliment my picky palette. 

And hello, a waiter finally offered to me a beautiful silver serving platter
of small, delicate blini’s topped with caviar and a little ‘dot’ of Crème
Fraîche. Oh yeah baby, come to mama!

As a refined woman, who is well aware of cocktail party etiquette, prior to
taking one blini, I first asked the waiter for a cocktail napkin and then I
carefully took one blini from the serving tray, so as NOT to touch any other
blinis on the tray. Remember, we are still in the midst of a pandemic. We hate
germs! 

Perhaps it was because I was starving, but damn… that blini was beyond
delicious. 

Scene of the Crime

The waiter moved on to another guest to offer a blini. Oy vey. Here we go.

I recognized the guest the waiter was serving. How could anyone not? Comes
from a very famous family, who had a very famous Father, and a very, very
famous Uncle. He even has a famous wife actress (who may or may not be at this
event).

Now, I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch this particular guest ‘eat’
the blini. In my life, I have never, ever witnessed such a dining spectacle at
a cocktail party. A fancy schmancy one no less. 

The guest was standing by himself as he literally attacked the serving tray
of blinis. His wife was not with him, perhaps she had been at a cocktail party
or two with him and knew better.

I watched him eat the first one. Clearly, he has good taste, because I could
see he liked the FIRST BLINI. How did I know he liked the blini? Because he
would not let the waiter leave… and then the guest went for the second blini.
And the third. Now the serving tray was commandeered by this guest and has
become his personal plate. Yes, he effectively hogged the blinis. 

And then it happened. I saw this in slow-motion. This is how it repeats over
and over and over in my mind. Like a horror story. The guest had a blini in his
hand that was en-route to his mouth that was open. And just like that, he
dropped the blini that was almost in his mouth, and it fell to the serving
tray. Yuck! Germs alert! 

I was aghast! I had never seen that happen at a cocktail party. Even the
parties that serve pigs in blankets and bagel bites.

You ask yourself: Did the guest stop eating? Did the guest survey the tray
to find the blini he touched that was almost in his mouth? You know, to make
sure that no other guest would get contaminated with his germs during a
pandemic. Oh but, wait, I do not believe this person is a follower of Dr.
Fauci.

This guest never missed a beat. I ask, where is Larry David when you need
him? Where is Larry David’s TV ex-wife to stop this travesty? Oy vey. This
guest jumped back into that tray, and indiscriminately picked another blini and
tossed it in his mouth. Oh, but wait, there is more. Now he was seemingly hell
bent on clearing the tray of blinis. No matter there were other guests. 

Now, to optimize eating, the guest was crafty. He actually combined two
blinis and made a sandwich. You betcha baby! Standing their all by himself. The
ingenuity to maximize hogging the plate. 

And just if you were wondering, he did clear the tray. At some point, he did
eat the blini that he dropped, but did it matter at that point?

Where are the etiquette police when you need them? Oh, they are probably badgering someone who is eating a bagel bite at a backyard BBQ.

Luncheon Scoop Page 6

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART XII

Gay and Tracy Anderson courtesy: Melanie Dunea

Greetings from East Hampton, NY!

Like Wow! My first luncheon in over 20 months!

You betcha baby! This event was liberating. No masks. Peeps vaccinated. What a wonderful opportunity to ‘mingle’ again. It was akin to a ‘Get Out of COVID Jail Free Card’.

Kudos to Tracy

Sistahs, y’all gotta give credit when credit is deserved. Tracy hosted this intimate soirée to join with Grazia Magazine USA to celebrate their recent publication “The Grazia Gazette: The Hamptons Volume II.

And I got invited!

I know! You are just dyin’ to know what the event was like!

Well, let’s set the scene.

East Hampton Point

If I must say so myself, Tracy and her team, were brilliant in picking this location.

The ‘Point’ has always been a spectacular location for a restaurant. It is situated on the harbor in East Hampton, where you can literally soak in the sun, boats and be part of that swanky, upscale bar scene.

Bring it on girlfriends! Welcome back to the good ole’ new days!

See and Be Seen!

Gay is bustin’ loose sistahs! Break out out the booze, pop the champagne, and let’s party!

In Gay’s fantasy world, I envisioned myself sashayin’ through the restaurant to schmooze with any famous peeps that could be at this event.

And y’all know me, I was on a mission to find at least one celeb! Amen to that!

Glammed up!

If I do say so myself, I think I just might have pulled off my master plan to look absolutely stunnin’! I’d love to look breath-takin’, but let’s not push it.

Fear Not sistahood! Despite the obstacles thrown in my path, notably aging, a bad back, bad feet, gross hands and nails, bags under my eyes, and perilous belly bloat, I was determined to create a vision of a new Gay that would last the duration of the luncheon.

Indeed. Think of an older version of the fairy tale Cinderella, but no fairy godmama, and an old(er) Cindy.

The only fairy dust I had was a tube of some miracle under eye cream that purportedly magically erases wrinkles and flattens those dark, puffy circles.

Gimme Gimme Gimme!

Problem: the cream only works for a few hours, and then everything goes back to shiat.

Yes, my tale could end up worse than Cindy’s. Could you imagine I’m a schmoozin’ with a celeb, and all of a sudden, one eye, then another eye, starts to sag and puff out? Oh, the shame of it all. Timin’ is everything, and I cannot overstay my welcome!

The Dress

I tried my bestest. I shopped at the finest of stores, TJ Maxx in Bridgehampton. And girl, did I ever luck out! I almost had to run over another chick to grab that dress.

As I live and breathe, the day that I scored a Theory dress and cute Wedges was a very good day. Go figure! Better than sex!

Why better than sex? The dress and shoes last way longer than one orgasm! Think girls, think!

But a dress don’t glam you up. No, no, no. Bring on the jewels and the fancy schmancy handbag! Even if they be faux, no matter ladies! You have to package yourself and give the image that you are the real deal baby!

Remember my mantra: It is not how you feel, but it is how you look! And dahlin’, you look mahvelous!

Main Event

Fellow hot mamas, I did it. Yes! Despite my deep rooted insecurities, I pulled off the impossible and, if I do say so myself, actually looked damn good! Or, as good as I can look at this point in my life.

The Wine, The Peeps!

Life. A beautiful thing. Particularly when you are schmoozin’ in East Hampton and the Rosé was just a-flowin’.

And yes, Garçon, s’il vous plaît, I shall have another glass!

After cocktails, we were escorted to a secluded porch and were seated at a very long table, which was adorned with fresh flowers and beautiful linen. My seat was purr-fect. Really. I had a direct view of the harbor, and even spotted a stunning yacht or two. Not too bad for moi, a nobody.

However, who knew I would be seated alongside the nicest, funniest people. Really. Go figure! I met a professional photographer, a Branding Expert, a Marketing Expert, and a person who sells Caviar. Wow. What fun!

I could go on and on about this soirée, however, time was a tickin’! After a few hours, I realized I needed to make a dash for it, before I turned back into a 57 year old woman who was cooped up in a house for 18 months.

I also had another engagement I needed to attend, so it was time for me to skedaddle! I know, such a busy person! So many places to go, people to see!

I bid a fond adieu to my new friends and drove off to the next event! The good news was that as I looked into the car’s rearview mirror, I noticed my eyes were still intact and the eye cream was in fact magical.

Maybe I do have a fairy godmama?

Hamptons Luncheon!

It happened. I finally received my first invite to a luncheon this summer! In the Hamptons, no less!

An Emotional Moment

Girlfriends, can we talk?

My head is spinning. Now I am gettin’ a hot flash. Do I detect a little underarm perspiration?

I mean, really. This is big news! At least in my teeny tiny world. Someone actually wanted little ole’ me to attend their event. Can you believe it?

And between you and me, this is not your regular iced tea and salad lunch date.

You betcha baby! This is a Hamptons Luncheon, where attendees include a magazine and a celebrity.

Oy vey. I am totally verklmept. Work with me kids. Basic Yiddish 101 for being ‘overcome with emotion’.

The Invitation

You can be sure that when I received the invite, I responded ‘yes’ within 5 seconds. Well, maybe I waited a minute, so as not to reveal my irrational exuberance!

To be clear, I am a refined, highly educated, sophisticated Woman, who knows how to exercise restraint.

Yeah right girlfriends! And believe me when I tell you that this Hot Mama is as subtle as a bull in a China shop!

The Attire

It has been like forever… since I attended a luncheon.

What do you wear to a ‘luncheon event’ in the Hamptons? I have no idea. Of course, I emailed the person who invited me, and asked “ What is the Attire?”.

I know. I am a total schmuck to even inquire as to what to wear to a Hamptons Luncheon. Like Duh. the answer was: “A dress”.

Sistahs, I knew I would have to wear a dress.

Dresses

I am sorry. I just feel that I do not look good in a dress. Keep in mind, this is just in my head. On the rare occasion that I ‘don’ a dress, ‘the people’, A.K.A. ‘onlookers’ or ‘gawkers’ always compliment me.

People lie. Sad but true.

So many factors create this poor self-image. On the day that I have to wear a dress, I could have bad belly bloat akin to that of a woman who is 6 months pregnant.

I have very long, skinny legs, which were constantly mocked by other kids during my childhood. Not only was I brutalized for having the name ‘Gay’, but kids managed to refer to me as ‘Olive Oil’ or ‘Chicken Legs’. I know. Nice.

There is some baggage that never gets lost.

However, the funny thing with dresses is that I never need them fitted. I literally waltz into TJ Maxx, pick a dress off the rack, and go home. No, I rarely try on a dress prior to purchasing it, because I can literally ‘eyeball’ the dress style and measurements and know it will fit.

I know, I know. And I am biatchin’ and moanin’ that I don’t like to wear a dress. What can I say?

Pick a Damn Dress

Clearly, I will wear a dress to this event.

Problem: So many dresses to choose! Rumor has it, I have a few summer frocks in my closet. Many of these dresses are pre-pandemic.

Query: Are they still in style? I don’t know. I don’t wear dresses!

The attire for the luncheon calls for a ‘summer dress’. So, it can’t be a fancy schmancy evening cocktail or party dress. Well, scratch those black dresses off the list.

As I peruse through my closet, I find a cute pink dress, another white dress with flowers, you get the picture. This is when I get nervous. Do I try them on? Would they be too loud? Let’s face it, I am loud enough, that I do not need to wear a fuchsia dress to an intimate luncheon. Or can I? I just don’t know!

Emergency Run to TJ Maxx

You betcha baby. I went runnin’ to TJ Maxx to find a new dress. Keep in mind, the dresses in my closet were only worn once (if that).

Of course, I found these beautiful silky, flowy Theory dresses. You betcha baby! I saw another mama oglin’ the dresses.

I ask my sistahs: What is a crazed hot mama to do? You know me to well! I jumped to the rack with those long chicken legs of mine and grabbed the dresses from the rack and ran to the cashier with my AMEX card in hand!

Aw, no hard feelings. Hell no! Sorry biatch… you know the rules in TJ Maxx. If the prized dress is not in your hand, then too bad, so sad for you girlfriend. You snooze, you lose. So sad. Not!

Hair

I have a problem. I know, I am fraught with issues.

My hairstylist is Amy, and she is amazing. She books out for appointments months in advance.

2 weeks ago, I show up for my scheduled appointment for my color and haircut. And by the by, this appointment is like clockwork.

However, this appointment is different than all other appointments (and no, this is not a lead-in to Passover). I walk in the door, and Amy does not say ‘hi’, rather, she says in jaw-dropped surprise, “what are you doing here”.

Well, what kind of greeting is that? I’m thinkin’ to myself, which I actually blurted out, “are you kidding me?”. Like OMG. I thought I was going to faint.

Girlfriends, to me, hair is sacred. Excuse Moi, but really.

I have known Amy for 19 years… this never happened. Amy can’t find my appointment in her calendar. Well, wouldn’t ya know that OCD Gay kept the email appointment confirmation from Amy.

Yes ma’m. Exhibit ‘A’: Amy sent me an email that she drafted 2 months ago confirming the appointment she scheduled for me.

Compromise

Amy could only color my hair, not cut it. Biatch! But what was I to do? I am at her mercy.

Sistahs, the hairstylist is the ruler of my universe. I don’t ask for much in life, just good consistent color and a nice haircut.

And you know what I got that day? Bupkus! Which means not much. The color came out too light, and I needed a haircut, which I did NOT get. I tried to be subtle, and hide my disappoint and tears, but again, that would not be me.

Blonde Gay

Can you blame me? I flipped out.

To be continued…