Tag: blogger

Honey, Who Shrunk the Toilet Paper?

Featured Gay Snow4 Comments
So small… (credit: miniadventures)

I am a victim of ‘Shrinkflation’.

According to Investopedia, “…Shrinkflation is the reduction in the size of a product in response to rising production costs or market competition. Rather than increase the price of a product, the company simply offers a smaller package for the same sticker price.”

And by the by, not only is the package smaller, but the price increased.

Gay’s definition of Shrinkflation: Pay more for less. Such a deal! NOT!

Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll

About a month ago, I purchased at our local Super Market King Kullen, The Charmin Mega Roll. This was not one roll, but a humongous package of 18 rolls.  Definitely more toilet paper sheets than even I could go through in 3 days.

FYI, I have been buying Charmin for years…LOVE IT! I know, to love toilet paper. What can I say. One of the few pleasures in life.

A few days ago I had to replenish my supply of toilet paper. To be clear, I did not use all the paper, don’t blame me. We had a lot of guests visit, and quite frankly, it is shocking how much toilet paper people go through. And I thought I was bad! What a relief that I am not the sole reason for the destruction of the Amazon forest.

ToiletpaperGate

Let’s set the scene:  I am cruising down the Supermarket toilet paper aisle with my shopping cart, looking for my beloved Charmin Mega Roll. And then, my eyes gazed upon a Charmin Mega Roll package of toilet paper that was sitting on a shelf… I was in heaven! Sadly, to my chagrin, it was noticeably smaller and lighter than what I am accustomed to purchase. Back in the day, like a month ago, I needed a forklift to pick up my usual package of Charmin Mega Roll (kidding).

How dare Charmin do this to their followers! This oughta be a crime! Sadly, this does not even rise to the level of a parking ticket violation.

Who do I call to file a complaint? The head of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell? He talks about inflation all the time. I am sure he has first-hand knowledge of this scandal. You can be sure he’s been in the bathroom and reached for a roll of toilet paper…he’s just like us. Was the last person who used his bathroom kind enough to leave a sheet or two dangling from the carboard cylinder? Did they leave no toilet paper, because the rolls are too small?  Did they run out of toilet paper at his house too? Was he pissed off? (no pun intended).

The Ad says: Never Run Out!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit ‘A’, a roll of Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll. Charmin advertises “…1 Super Mega Roll = 6 Regular Rolls* so you never run out (*based on number of sheets in Charmin Regular Roll bath tissue)”.

Charmin also advertises that their Super Mega Roll is “…2X more absorbent so you can use less and rolls last you longer vs. the leading USA 1-ply bargain brand.”

Fascinating, right? So this means, we can use less toilet paper because Charmin is more absorbent. Tell it to the Judge, which is your derriere. In fact, Charmin states “…Holds up so your hands and behind keep clean while you go”. I promise you; I did not write this advertising spiel.  

I realize this is “TMI”: ‘Too Much Information’ for you all to absorb (no pun intended, thank you Charmin!).

As a matter of fact, Charmin is now hawking a new product called their ‘Forever Roll”. Really? Who do they think they are shiatting? (no pun intended).

I kid you not. Charmin says you can “…Go up to One Month before changing your roll*.” Oy vey Charmin! You are making me pee in my pants just laughing. Hold on, I gotta grab some toilet paper!

Charmin does have a caveat: The Forever Roll goes up to one month, “…BASED on 2 person household that typically uses one roll per month”. Excuse me, but I have no idea where Charmin got that information from. Was this from a survey of Martians on Mars? Do Martians even use a bathroom?

Did Charmin survey a family with children? Have you ever seen kids go through toilet paper? They put me to shame!

As an environmentally conscious pe-er, I do not apply unlimited amounts of toilet paper to my derriere. A roll only last for a few days. Nothing lasts forever…relationships, gift cards and toilet paper.

Dissapearflation

The reality is the toilet paper did not shrink in size; it is disappearing. Before we know it, a Pez Dispenser will be spitting out teeny tiny pellets of toilet paper. Oh Shit!

A LICENSE TO KILL: THE U.S. SUPREME COURT HAS LOST ITS MIND

Featured Gay SnowLeave a comment
The Wild West

Today, the Supreme Court has officially lost its mind by ruling that the Second Amendment to the Constitution grant Americans the right to carry a gun in public. Anywhere, anytime.

Everyone Carry a Gun!

The Majority Opinion was penned by Justice Clarence Thomas, who wrote ‘that keeping firearms at home makes little sense.’ Yes, with this ruling, it makes more sense that someone walks into a subway station, a park, a place of worship, a supermarket, a nightclub, a music venue, with a gun. Words of wisdom from a person who should resign from the Court. Oh, but that is another story.

At issue of yesterday’s Supreme Court Ruling, was a New York State Law that was on the books for one hundred years. The Majority Opinion determined that “New York’s proper-cause requirement violates the Fourteenth Amendment in that it prevents -law-abiding citizens with ordinary self-defense needs from exercising their right to keep and bear arms.” Again, this ruling deems it important for a law-abiding citizen to walk around with a gun, anywhere.

The Supreme Court IGNORES the Pulse of the Majority of Americans

The Supreme Court is completely out of touch with the pulse of Society. The only pulse the Court is focused on is that of a six-week fetus’ non-existent heart-beat, which again, is another story.

However, it is clear the Court does not have its priorities in order. Namely, the health, welfare and safety of the American People.

Quite the opposite is true. On the one hand, the Court interprets the U.S. Constitution with a warped view that flooding the streets with guns affords Americans the protections of the Second Amendment. Somehow, the Justices believe that carrying guns in public is equated with public safety.

I am sorry. I do not understand that logic. You do not have to be a genius to know that if an ordinary, reasonable thinking person is walking around with a gun, that person is more likely to use the gun. Regardless of the level of provocation. Life happens.

Do Guns Protect People?

Do guns really protect people? Look at what happened at Robb Elementary School, located in Uvalde, Texas. One gunman enters an elementary school and murdered defenseless children and teachers. Despite cries for help from Children who were being shot at, law enforcement officials stood outside the school armed with guns, body armor, and yet they did not use their weaponry to save human beings. Did they need more guns to do their job?

Did the Justices on the Supreme Court think about this case? So what if they already wrote their decision prior to Uvalde. The decision could have been ripped up or deleted. No big deal.

Law-abiding citizens need rules and laws to govern a society. The clock has been turned backwards in our society, and we are now living in the wild west of the 1800s.

It is a sad day when Justices, despite all of their education and intelligence, display no common sense.

SPILLAGE AISLE 10!

Featured Gay SnowLeave a comment
Louisiana Red Hot Sauce

Dear Ms. Manners,

Last weekend, I shopped for groceries at the King Kullen Supermarket in Bridgehampton, NY.

If you did not know, Bridgehampton is located in the Hamptons. You know, the place where the beautiful, rich and famous peeps frolic.

Well, I go grocery shopping every single goddamn day. Sadly, I do not have a Chef, a Butler, a Personal Assistant, a Personal Trainer, etc. . I know Ms. Manners. Can you imagine? And I live in the Hamptons in the summer. Totally embarrassing.

My shopping experience was different this time. I came upon a major spillage in Aisle 10.

It was a total ‘hit and run.’ A real crime scene. ‘Someone’ knocked over several  Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Bottles. If y’all don’t know, this is one of the ingredients used to make spicy hot chicken wings.

And this really looked like a crime scene. The employees had the aisle roped off with yellow tape, the kind that the Police use. And this was a problem for me, I needed to go down that aisle. I had to get the Grey Poupon Mustard, which was stocked next to the Hot Sauce.

When I arrived at the crime scene, there was not one, not two, not three, not even four broken bottles on the floor… For the untrained eye, it was hard to tell how many bottles were broken. The floor was ‘a sea’ in Red Hot Sauce; broken and unbroken bottles were literally floating in the aisle. This was a job well done!

Ms. Manners, I know you are  wonderin,’ whether the person who crashed into the Red Hot Sauce bottles, which were neatly displayed on a shelf, reported this incident to a grocery store employee?”

I know, such a funny question to ponder.

Oh my oh my Ms. Manners! Girlfriend, this here is the Hamptons. Paleeze!

Hell no! Clearly the perpetrator (“perp”) of this incident scurried away…

Perhaps we should give the perp the benefit of the doubt? Maybe, just maybe, the perp did not know they ‘bumped into the Red Hot Sauce Bottles’ that were so neatly organized on a shelf by a grocery store employee? I just don’t know.

Personally, I try to believe in the ‘goodness of people,’ perhaps, just perhaps, the person did not hear the bottles (note ‘plural’ bottles), crash to the ground.

Ms. Manners, I use the word ‘crashed,’ because there was more than one bottle, and these were large bottles. Not the small table size bottles you would use at a restaurant. Again, you ask yourself “Didn’t the perp hear the bottles crash?

Well, Ms. Manners, all I can say, is that if the perp were profoundly deaf, daft, or did not have their hearing aids in, maybe, just maybe they did not hear the crash of all those bottles. Not to mention the splatter of the sauce, which was everywhere.

But really, we all know the perp who knocked all those bottles down, knew what they did. The perp probably checked the aisle to see if there were any witnesses, and then fled the scene of the crime. Like no one would see this mess? Really? Like the store has no video cameras?

Oh, but then things took a turn for the worse. Then there was the smell. Ms. Manners, Louisiana Red Hot Sauce is hot. The label says, ‘Red Hot Sauce’ for a reason. This hot sauce ain’t for the faint at heart.

Have you ever used Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Ms. Manners? Well, I love it. ‘Specially on my chicken wings.’ Oooooh that smell!

Ms. Manners, I could smell that sauce when I was about mile away near  Aisle 1. That smell was permeating the store. Even though it was 9:30am, I started to have a hankerin’ for some wings!

A Laughing Matter

In truth, employees and customers were laughing. Customers were taking photos; with the hope these pictures would go ‘viral.’ Nah, I don’t think so.

I could see the store employees were in absolutely no rush to clean this mess up. Who in their right mind would be? If you get Red Hot Sauce in an open wound on your fingers or hands, you will cry for your mama! And do not rub your fingers that are covered in hot sauce into your eyes, it can damn near burn them out of your head!

As for me, I told the employees we should all follow the trail of red footprints throughout the store, created by the person who had knocked over the bottles of Louisiana Red Hot Sauce. Just look for the perp whose shoes and legs were decorated with red splatter stains and would smell like a chicken wing.

Oh, and if you were wonderin,’ I prefer wings in extra hot sauce.