Hamptons Summer, Farewell

end of Hamptons summer

The Hamptons summer is over. Another chapter scribbled into to the comic book of life and Dan’s Papers.

The official conclusion of a Hamptons summer is marked by the Tuesday after Labor Day, known as ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’.

end of hamptons summer tumbleweeds

Do I have to explain everything? The rest of the stragglers, hanger ‘onners roll outa’ here as if they were tumbleweeds! Hence the phrase ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’. Oy vey!

We local folk are like, thank you, and leave now! We had enough of the traffic, the attitude (‘tude’), crowds, yada yada yada.

And Just Like That…

And just like that, summer is over. So sad. Not really.

When the summer peeps roll out of the Hamptons, it is like loosing your bloat after a menstrual cycle.

Girlfriends, ya know what I am talkin’ ‘bout! It’s like hallelujah, I can finally fit in those pants again!

Now that summer peeps are ensconced in NYC, I can finally score a dinner reservation at the posh restaurant Bistro Ete and make a left hand turn onto Montauk Highway.

Thank you summer peeps for not being here!

Hamptons Summer Memories

As I reflect on my summer of 2022, here are just a few quintessential Hamptons moments I will share with y’all.

COVID, Hamptons Summer Style

Well, we all thought COVID was over, but I got COVID in June. Despite getting four vaccines, having a great immune system, still got it.

That she-devil COVID decided to hang out with me in the Hamptons for the better part of the summer. You know what I am talking about. I am cool with any guest staying a few days, but for several weeks with no end in sight? COVID knows no boundaries.

COVID is a horrible house guest. That girl is a user and a taker. She sapped all the energy from me… I was exhausted from hosting her. She just barged into my life, unannounced. What a Biatch! She used me to stay in the glamorous Hamptons for a summer experience. Her plan was to invade the Hamptons and party every night. Boy, that girl has big balls!

Not on my watch Sistah! I caught her right away, and never let her out of the house.

And I ask you…Why me? I did everything for her. Let her sleep as long as she needed; did not ask her to help around the house; and I fed her great meals. And you ask, what did she do for me? That biatch gave me post-COVID migraine headaches that promptly started every day, for several weeks at 5pm. NO cocktails for Gay. I was drowning my pain and agony in Excedrin for Migraine Headaches with Advil chasers.

That Biatch finally lost her hold on me…and she packed up and left. I was just shy of getting an exorcism.

Share the Hamptons Summer Roads

Nobody, no one shares the road during a Hamptons Summer. Cyclists, bicycle riders, runners, joggers, walkers and cars do not share the road. It is all about ‘me me me’, losing weight, and fittin’ into that speedo.

Who knew the Hamptons attracted so many weekend warriors who take to the streets! The sheer number of fitness enthusiasts are staggering! So many Hamptons peeps are passionate about breaking a sweat. Go figure…

There are the fitness peeps – the runners (not joggers) and the cyclists (not bike riders). The runners and cyclists are athletes – they are on a mission. They are determined to get their mileage logged in for the day. They are on the road early, so as to avoid getting hit by a car. Smart.

The bike riders, who I fondly call ‘idiots on bikes’, and the walkers, are herded together side by side as if they were in a parade. They pretend to be blissfully ignorant of the line-up of Range Rovers, Ferraris and Bentleys trailing behind them.

Just a battle of egos… these are the same peeps who did not share their toys in Kindergarten. I did not like them then, and I don’t like them now.

Bid Adieu

On Tumbleweed Tuesday, we bid a fond adieu to our neighbors. The Hamptons roads are less congested, which is such a relief. However, the skies are filled with helicopters akin to taxis, taking all the summer folks back to the city. And of course the flight pattern is over my house.

Excuse me? Drive back to NYC in all that traffic with the peasants?

See y’all next summer!

WHY DO GUN OWNERS HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER THEIR GUNS, THAN WOMEN HAVE OVER THEIR OWN BODIES?

U.S Supreme Court Decisions Based on Feelings, NOT the Law

America

Welcome to America. The gun totin’ capital of the world.

Last week’s news: the Highland Park, Illinois Fourth of July Parade Massacre. 7 innocent souls murdered, and 39 others injured. To be clear, the word ‘injury,’ should not be confused with a ‘bruised knee.’ One of the shooting victims, an 8 year old child, sustained life threatening injuries; the bullet that tore through his small body severed his spine. He is now paralyzed from the waist down.

A Fourth of July Celebration is typically celebrated with friends, family, parades, hot dogs, ice cream and fireworks. NOT Military grade weapons used to fire upon human beings in tee shirts and shorts on a warm summer day who are merely spectators sitting on lawn chairs waiving U.S. flags and children blowing bubbles along the parade route.

I am disgusted. And how do you feel?

More importantly, do you wonder how the Supreme Court Conservative Justices feel? Oh, wait a gosh darn minute! They ruled it is totally okay to walk around the United States of America with a gun. Any gun.

What contrived constitutional excuse will they come up with to justify another mass shooting?

The Founding Fathers who wrote the U.S. Constitution, are literally rolling over in their graves as to how the Justices have twisted the meaning of the Second Amendment’s ‘Right to Bear Arms.’

At this point, any law abiding citizen must wonder…Do the Justices even have feelings? Do they care about the catastrophic impact their rulings are having on today’s society? Oh yes they do!

Based on their recent rulings, the Justices feel:

1. A woman has no rights.

2. A woman has no rights, because these Justices took away the right for women to make personal decisions over HER own body.

3. The Justices feel human life is sacrosanct. Therefore, abortion is illegal.

4. The Justices feel that law abiding citizens can carry guns outside of the home, anywhere in the United States to protect themselves.

5. The Justices feel that human life of a gun owner is sacrosanct. Therefore, a law abiding citizen can carry a gun, and can use that gun to shoot and to kill another human being if that gun totin’ person feels threatened.

6. Do not quibble over the words ‘feel threatened;’ if a person feels threatened, that person can and will protect themselves. The Court essentially gave the green light to shoot to kill. Hey, I did not write that decision, the Conservative Justices handed that decision down last week.

I have a few questions for the Conservative Justices:

1. What is the definition of a Law Abiding Citizen as per the US Supreme Court today?

2. Who is afforded the rights of a Law Abiding Citizen? Any person?

3. Is a person who lawfully obtains a gun a Law Abiding Citizen?

4. Is a person who lawfully obtains a gun, and then intentionally shoots at other law abiding citizens watching a parade, a Law Abiding Citizen?

5. Is a fetus a Law Abiding Citizen?

6. Is a Woman a Law Abiding Citizen?

7. Is a Child a Law Abiding Citizen?

8. Is a ten year old girl who is raped considered by the Court to be a Law Abiding Citizen?

9. How does the Court define ‘Human Life’?

10. Are Justices, who went to Law School, not Medical School, qualified to determine when Human Life Begins?

11. What value do the Justices place on a Human Life?

12. Is the term ‘Human Life’ only applicable to a fetus?

13. Is the term ‘Human Life’ applicable to victims of gun violence?

14. Is the term ‘Human Life’ applicable to white, brown, purple human beings, women and girls?

15. Last week, a 10 year old rape victim was 6 weeks pregnant and was denied the right to an abortion. What value does the Court place on that victim’s human life?

16. The Justices are not Physicians, not Scientists. Nor are they Clergy, although the Conservative Justices on the Court seem to be preaching religion. They strive to espouse virtuous morals…yet is it moral to force a 10 year old child who is a rape victim to give birth to the evidence of the crime committed upon her?

17. Does the Court ascribe Rights to victims of gun violence?

18. Does the Court only ascribe Rights to Gun Owners?

19. Is the Right to Bear Arms greater than the rights of a victim of gun violence?

Hypothetical: What if a pregnant Woman who lives in Texas, a verified Law Abiding Citizen, walked into a Doctor’s office totin’ an AR 15, and demanded an abortion? She allegedly was protecting herself from the pregnancy, because she could die if she carried full term. Can this Woman assert her 2nd Amendment Right to Protect Her Own Body?

Reality: Why do gun owners have more control over their guns, than women have over their own bodies?

Microphone drop…

THE U.S. SUPREME COURT HAS NO REGARD FOR THE LIFE OF A WOMAN

The New Reality

The United States Supreme Court was once a Crown Jewel in the American experiment called Democracy. 

However, today the Court has fallen from grace. The Justices who voted to overturn Roe v Wade, all stated during their respective Senate Confirmation Hearings, which were televised, they would not overturn this case. In fact, many confirmed that Roe v Wade was settled case law, due to legal terms as ‘Precedent’ and ‘Stare Decisis.’ 

The Conservative Justices of the Court who voted to overturn Roe, are disgraceful. They are liars, and clearly do not have respect for the Supreme Court and the principles of precedent and stare decisis that, up until this moment, were the core foundation of this once heralded institution.

Now Clarence Thomas, the Justice who should resign from the Court due to the alleged seditious acts of his wife leading up to and on January 6, 2021, wants to ‘revisit the rulings’ in landmark Supreme Court Decisions that concerned same-sex marriage, contraception, and sodomy.

To be clear, Thomas took the ruling in Roe a step further, which is totally out-of-bounds with how the Court has historically presided over cases. 

This is outrageous! The Conservative Judges, Alito, Thomas, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Coney-Barrett, and Roberts, unequivocally disregard the will of the majority of Americans. The Court is tasked with the responsibility to have a consciousness as to where we are as a society. Moreover, a Judge should rule on the law, and not have their own personal belief system infect their decision making process. 

The dissenting opinion, penned by the liberal justices, wrote “no one should be confident that this Majority is done with its work.” 

Based on that ominous warning, the Conservative Justices are ‘gunning’ to take away more rights that we the people have enjoyed for decades.

Very scary indeed, in this day and age, in the United States of America, to be stripped of personal freedoms of choice. 

Shame, shame, shame.

A LICENSE TO KILL: THE U.S. SUPREME COURT HAS LOST ITS MIND

The Wild West

Today, the Supreme Court has officially lost its mind by ruling that the Second Amendment to the Constitution grant Americans the right to carry a gun in public. Anywhere, anytime.

Everyone Carry a Gun!

The Majority Opinion was penned by Justice Clarence Thomas, who wrote ‘that keeping firearms at home makes little sense.’ Yes, with this ruling, it makes more sense that someone walks into a subway station, a park, a place of worship, a supermarket, a nightclub, a music venue, with a gun. Words of wisdom from a person who should resign from the Court. Oh, but that is another story.

At issue of yesterday’s Supreme Court Ruling, was a New York State Law that was on the books for one hundred years. The Majority Opinion determined that “New York’s proper-cause requirement violates the Fourteenth Amendment in that it prevents -law-abiding citizens with ordinary self-defense needs from exercising their right to keep and bear arms.” Again, this ruling deems it important for a law-abiding citizen to walk around with a gun, anywhere.

The Supreme Court IGNORES the Pulse of the Majority of Americans

The Supreme Court is completely out of touch with the pulse of Society. The only pulse the Court is focused on is that of a six-week fetus’ non-existent heart-beat, which again, is another story.

However, it is clear the Court does not have its priorities in order. Namely, the health, welfare and safety of the American People.

Quite the opposite is true. On the one hand, the Court interprets the U.S. Constitution with a warped view that flooding the streets with guns affords Americans the protections of the Second Amendment. Somehow, the Justices believe that carrying guns in public is equated with public safety.

I am sorry. I do not understand that logic. You do not have to be a genius to know that if an ordinary, reasonable thinking person is walking around with a gun, that person is more likely to use the gun. Regardless of the level of provocation. Life happens.

Do Guns Protect People?

Do guns really protect people? Look at what happened at Robb Elementary School, located in Uvalde, Texas. One gunman enters an elementary school and murdered defenseless children and teachers. Despite cries for help from Children who were being shot at, law enforcement officials stood outside the school armed with guns, body armor, and yet they did not use their weaponry to save human beings. Did they need more guns to do their job?

Did the Justices on the Supreme Court think about this case? So what if they already wrote their decision prior to Uvalde. The decision could have been ripped up or deleted. No big deal.

Law-abiding citizens need rules and laws to govern a society. The clock has been turned backwards in our society, and we are now living in the wild west of the 1800s.

It is a sad day when Justices, despite all of their education and intelligence, display no common sense.

SPILLAGE AISLE 10!

Louisiana Red Hot Sauce

Dear Ms. Manners,

Last weekend, I shopped for groceries at the King Kullen Supermarket in Bridgehampton, NY.

If you did not know, Bridgehampton is located in the Hamptons. You know, the place where the beautiful, rich and famous peeps frolic.

Well, I go grocery shopping every single goddamn day. Sadly, I do not have a Chef, a Butler, a Personal Assistant, a Personal Trainer, etc. . I know Ms. Manners. Can you imagine? And I live in the Hamptons in the summer. Totally embarrassing.

My shopping experience was different this time. I came upon a major spillage in Aisle 10.

It was a total ‘hit and run.’ A real crime scene. ‘Someone’ knocked over several  Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Bottles. If y’all don’t know, this is one of the ingredients used to make spicy hot chicken wings.

And this really looked like a crime scene. The employees had the aisle roped off with yellow tape, the kind that the Police use. And this was a problem for me, I needed to go down that aisle. I had to get the Grey Poupon Mustard, which was stocked next to the Hot Sauce.

When I arrived at the crime scene, there was not one, not two, not three, not even four broken bottles on the floor… For the untrained eye, it was hard to tell how many bottles were broken. The floor was ‘a sea’ in Red Hot Sauce; broken and unbroken bottles were literally floating in the aisle. This was a job well done!

Ms. Manners, I know you are  wonderin,’ whether the person who crashed into the Red Hot Sauce bottles, which were neatly displayed on a shelf, reported this incident to a grocery store employee?”

I know, such a funny question to ponder.

Oh my oh my Ms. Manners! Girlfriend, this here is the Hamptons. Paleeze!

Hell no! Clearly the perpetrator (“perp”) of this incident scurried away…

Perhaps we should give the perp the benefit of the doubt? Maybe, just maybe, the perp did not know they ‘bumped into the Red Hot Sauce Bottles’ that were so neatly organized on a shelf by a grocery store employee? I just don’t know.

Personally, I try to believe in the ‘goodness of people,’ perhaps, just perhaps, the person did not hear the bottles (note ‘plural’ bottles), crash to the ground.

Ms. Manners, I use the word ‘crashed,’ because there was more than one bottle, and these were large bottles. Not the small table size bottles you would use at a restaurant. Again, you ask yourself “Didn’t the perp hear the bottles crash?

Well, Ms. Manners, all I can say, is that if the perp were profoundly deaf, daft, or did not have their hearing aids in, maybe, just maybe they did not hear the crash of all those bottles. Not to mention the splatter of the sauce, which was everywhere.

But really, we all know the perp who knocked all those bottles down, knew what they did. The perp probably checked the aisle to see if there were any witnesses, and then fled the scene of the crime. Like no one would see this mess? Really? Like the store has no video cameras?

Oh, but then things took a turn for the worse. Then there was the smell. Ms. Manners, Louisiana Red Hot Sauce is hot. The label says, ‘Red Hot Sauce’ for a reason. This hot sauce ain’t for the faint at heart.

Have you ever used Louisiana Red Hot Sauce Ms. Manners? Well, I love it. ‘Specially on my chicken wings.’ Oooooh that smell!

Ms. Manners, I could smell that sauce when I was about mile away near  Aisle 1. That smell was permeating the store. Even though it was 9:30am, I started to have a hankerin’ for some wings!

A Laughing Matter

In truth, employees and customers were laughing. Customers were taking photos; with the hope these pictures would go ‘viral.’ Nah, I don’t think so.

I could see the store employees were in absolutely no rush to clean this mess up. Who in their right mind would be? If you get Red Hot Sauce in an open wound on your fingers or hands, you will cry for your mama! And do not rub your fingers that are covered in hot sauce into your eyes, it can damn near burn them out of your head!

As for me, I told the employees we should all follow the trail of red footprints throughout the store, created by the person who had knocked over the bottles of Louisiana Red Hot Sauce. Just look for the perp whose shoes and legs were decorated with red splatter stains and would smell like a chicken wing.

Oh, and if you were wonderin,’ I prefer wings in extra hot sauce.

COVID DAY 7: ENOUGH!

Self-Portrait

Does this ever end?

Oy! Please, enough already! Today is Day 7, and to be honest, I have had enough of COVID. Sadly, it has not had enough of me. Not an equitable relationship.

The problem with getting COVID, is that it’s just not your common cold.

As we all know by now, COVID affects each person differently. Some people who test positive for COVID are ‘asymptomatic’ and experience no symptoms. However, they are still a walking petri dish and still must isolate. Then there are the spectrum of folks who experience mild symptoms (like me), moderate symptoms and just fall apart for a week or two, and those who experience severe symptoms, who need to be hospitalized and just may succumb to the virus. Scary, right?

Since COVID is a highly contagious virus, and, if a person cares about another human being, well, you want to do the right thing and isolate. Yes, you do the right thing and stay away from other people (even if you hate them).

Isolating at Home

I suppose I am lucky. My kids are out of the house, and it is just me and my husband. Akin to two people stranded on an island. In this case, Long Island. So dreamy, right? Nah, I don’t think so.

Despite having 100 COVID shots between us (just joking), since the minute I tested positive for COVID, I am now sleeping in my younger son’s bedroom. The room is a time capsule, intact from last year, when he graduated from College.

My husband is still testing negative, which is great for him. To keep him negative, I wear a KN95 mask in the house, and Lysol spray is my new perfume. I know, sexy, right?

When it is not raining and there are no gale force winds, we can dine together, outside. What a real treat.

Now, for some people who can’t stand their spouses, COVID is a great excuse to stay away. Right? A self-imposed separation. For some odd reason, I actually like the guy I married. Call me crazy, or maybe it is the COVID brain? But, it has been hard to be separated.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. First off, amazing we made it to 27 years of marriage! Woo Hoo! Second, we shall celebrate just ‘the two of us.’ Our plans were cancelled, because I am still testing positive for COVID. For heavens sake…no one has hugged me in a week!

Perks of Day 7 of COVID

So exciting! Made it to day 7 of COVID! So many doors have opened to me as per the CDC. Since I am finishing my Paxlovid, have experienced mild symptoms, never had a fever, and I can now go out in Public. But, there is always that but… I am required to wear a mask at all times.

To make sure I do not infect my fellow human beings (even the ones I can’t stand), I wear two KN95 masks.

Remaining Symptoms

COVID has left me tired, and I have a raspy, hoarse voice. Once the symptoms of COVID rooted, I had an extremely upset stomach, which contributed to the weight loss I experienced. (You can fill in the gory details.)

I am always the optimistic: my bikini will look awesome this summer, or whatever that means for a 58 year old hot mama!

To be continued…

Working 9–5 is a Drag!

The Virtual Office

Like omg! I was watching the news the other day. No, this was not ‘the news,’ like CNN, MSNBC or that ‘other’ station that rhymes with ‘lox.’

This news segment was about people, specifically ‘Twenty-Somethings’ who were returning to work in a Post-COVID World.

Indeed, everyone has to go back to work in a ‘Real’ office. No, you can’t continue to work out of your ‘home virtual office,’ which is in your bedroom. To clarify, the ‘real office’ is located in an office building where grown-ups go to work 5 days a week. Real life. The pre-COVID era. Ah, the good ole’ days.

Apparently, not everyone is happy about returning to the real office. So sad.

Well. Excuse me. Sad is not the appropriate word that expresses the ‘twenty-somethings’ that were interviewed on this show. These women emphatically did not, not, want to go back to work in the ‘real’ office.

I mean really. After listening to their compelling stories, like duh, who could blame these educated, professional women for wanting to work ‘virtually’ from home.

The first woman who was interviewed, quit her job as a paralegal because in the post-pandemic real world, she was required to go back to work in the real office. My word! You go girl!

She stated ‘…when you go from full remote to office, it was like, why am I doing this? It seems like pointless? I was so much more tired, I would come home exhausted, and you know, I wouldn’t want to go to the gym, and wouldn’t want to read a book, like I wouldn’t really want to make dinner. 5 days a week in office, 9–5, which is just unreasonable.’

I hear ya sistah! Oy, too much stress, and being tired is just a total no-no. Clearly, working from 9–5 as a paralegal at the real office, located in the office building prior to the pandemic must have been a heavy burden.

Can you imagine, going to work every day, day in, day out? Tsk, tsk, too much to bear for a twenty-something.

Fortunately, this is a woman of the 21st century who knows how to take care of herself.

The good news is that she found another virtual paralegal job. Yes, she gets to continue to work at home! I am thrilled for her! It is wonderful that she will not be subjected to the demands of working in a real office. Best of all, she will now have the strength to go to the gym, read a book, and cook a meal. Although why cook a meal, when Postmates can deliver dinner in half the time it takes to cook. This of course frees up more time, so you can go out with your friends for cocktails. Which you can do since you will not be tired anymore. Just another perk working from home.

Another person who was interviewed, a 25 year old woman, echoed similar sentiments. She stated, ‘we are more productive at home, we are happier at home, we’re doing what the company asks of us…and going back in is really a form of micromanaging, We don’t want any part of it.’

Wait a gosh darn minute! I have a few questions with regard to this second woman who was interviewed. She used the word ‘home’ several times and said she was ‘happy.’ Was she living at home with mommy and daddy during the pandemic? Was she more productive at home because mommy gave her three meals a day and did her laundry? Is home better to work at because you can sneak in a work-out when you are working virtually? Or binge on a Netflix show? Just wonderin.’

One more thing…this twenty-something essentially said she doesn’t want to be micromanaged at work. Is that right? Stop the presses for a moment and get me off this merry-go-round.

As an adult, in the real world, everyone’s life is micromanaged by someone. I know, there was no college course on this subject. Sad.

Such grievances! These twenty-somethings remind me of my kids when they were teenagers and would yell at me “you are not the boss of me.” Not to be the bearer of bad news, but in a professional work environment, someone is the boss of you. Sad reality check.

Clearly, these twenty-somethings set forth compelling arguments to continue to work virtually from home. Right? Oy vey. Tell it to the Judge Judy.

I mean really…what kind of people are we to require educated professionals to work at oppressive office jobs, which make you so tired at the end of a day, that you can’t even go to the gym. The nerve of employers!

Can you imagine being a twenty-something college graduate and subjected to working at a real job, in a real office, from 9–5? Like what was the point of going to college anyway? Again, college did not prepare students for real life.

When these women were interviewed for this show, their parents must have been so proud of them!

I have kids who are in their twenties. If my kids told me this tale of woe, I would have laughed at them and rubbed two fingers together to show that I was playing the smallest violin in the world, playing the saddest, saddest songs.

I don’t know about y’all, but back in the day, I worked as an attorney. I had to get up very early in the morning, wear a suit, uncomfortable high heels, and get to the office or courthouse.

Oh, and by the by, my ‘work hours’ were not 9 am to 5 pm… that would be like going to Day Camp. My hours were leave the house by 6 am and get home late at night. And then, work some more at home. Everyone micromanaged me and was up my arse. And I never got a ‘thank you.’

Just wait till you have kids of your own… that 9–5 job will be remembered as a vacation!

To be continued…

MASK UP!

COVID RE-BOOT!

Mask Up! (Braces Optional!)

It’s happenin’ again! Shiat!

Time to wear the mask baby! Whether you like it or not, COVID is here to stay. Think of this as shiat on a shoe. Even if you think you removed it from your shoe, it’s still there. That smell. You just can’t get rid of it.

This is analogous to COVID. Get it?

COVID is NOT goin’ away. At least not until more people get vaccinated.

I for one, never had COVID. I have no idea why I did not catch this virus, or, shall I say, COVID never caught me. However, I march on!

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention Tips

I have done everything my spiritual leader Dr. Fauci requested

  1. Wear a mask indoors at public places.
  2. I got vaccinated.
  3. I wash my hands all day long.
  4. I take a shower at least once a day (for good measure).

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention List is based on Science. However, in addition to Fauci’s list, we Hot Mamas need to follow a COVID Prevention List that is an outgrowth of everyday life.

I don’t know about y’all, but I have created my own COVID Prevention Tips List which is based on Gay’s Common Sense.

Gay’s COVID Prevention Tips not Mentioned by Dr. Fauci:

1. Get SCOPE/Breath Freshener Spray for your breath! When you wear a mask, FYI, your breath stinks!

2. Wear a mask in bed: for relationships that are falling apart due to the pandemic, masking is a great excuse, I mean priceless opportunity to ‘stay safe’.

3. For Vaccinated families: Too much togetherness! INfighting has returned! Don’t we know it honey! That Delta Variant is yet another great excuse for postponing family gatherings.

4. If you are shopping at TJ Maxx and you see another hot mama checkin’ out a designer label dress in your size, feign a coughing attack! Watch everyone run away from you! Go in for the kill and grab the dress!

5. Remember, coughing is the new fart!

Stay tuned…tomorrow is another day!

Luncheon Scoop Page 6

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART XII

Gay and Tracy Anderson courtesy: Melanie Dunea

Greetings from East Hampton, NY!

Like Wow! My first luncheon in over 20 months!

You betcha baby! This event was liberating. No masks. Peeps vaccinated. What a wonderful opportunity to ‘mingle’ again. It was akin to a ‘Get Out of COVID Jail Free Card’.

Kudos to Tracy

Sistahs, y’all gotta give credit when credit is deserved. Tracy hosted this intimate soirée to join with Grazia Magazine USA to celebrate their recent publication “The Grazia Gazette: The Hamptons Volume II.

And I got invited!

I know! You are just dyin’ to know what the event was like!

Well, let’s set the scene.

East Hampton Point

If I must say so myself, Tracy and her team, were brilliant in picking this location.

The ‘Point’ has always been a spectacular location for a restaurant. It is situated on the harbor in East Hampton, where you can literally soak in the sun, boats and be part of that swanky, upscale bar scene.

Bring it on girlfriends! Welcome back to the good ole’ new days!

See and Be Seen!

Gay is bustin’ loose sistahs! Break out out the booze, pop the champagne, and let’s party!

In Gay’s fantasy world, I envisioned myself sashayin’ through the restaurant to schmooze with any famous peeps that could be at this event.

And y’all know me, I was on a mission to find at least one celeb! Amen to that!

Glammed up!

If I do say so myself, I think I just might have pulled off my master plan to look absolutely stunnin’! I’d love to look breath-takin’, but let’s not push it.

Fear Not sistahood! Despite the obstacles thrown in my path, notably aging, a bad back, bad feet, gross hands and nails, bags under my eyes, and perilous belly bloat, I was determined to create a vision of a new Gay that would last the duration of the luncheon.

Indeed. Think of an older version of the fairy tale Cinderella, but no fairy godmama, and an old(er) Cindy.

The only fairy dust I had was a tube of some miracle under eye cream that purportedly magically erases wrinkles and flattens those dark, puffy circles.

Gimme Gimme Gimme!

Problem: the cream only works for a few hours, and then everything goes back to shiat.

Yes, my tale could end up worse than Cindy’s. Could you imagine I’m a schmoozin’ with a celeb, and all of a sudden, one eye, then another eye, starts to sag and puff out? Oh, the shame of it all. Timin’ is everything, and I cannot overstay my welcome!

The Dress

I tried my bestest. I shopped at the finest of stores, TJ Maxx in Bridgehampton. And girl, did I ever luck out! I almost had to run over another chick to grab that dress.

As I live and breathe, the day that I scored a Theory dress and cute Wedges was a very good day. Go figure! Better than sex!

Why better than sex? The dress and shoes last way longer than one orgasm! Think girls, think!

But a dress don’t glam you up. No, no, no. Bring on the jewels and the fancy schmancy handbag! Even if they be faux, no matter ladies! You have to package yourself and give the image that you are the real deal baby!

Remember my mantra: It is not how you feel, but it is how you look! And dahlin’, you look mahvelous!

Main Event

Fellow hot mamas, I did it. Yes! Despite my deep rooted insecurities, I pulled off the impossible and, if I do say so myself, actually looked damn good! Or, as good as I can look at this point in my life.

The Wine, The Peeps!

Life. A beautiful thing. Particularly when you are schmoozin’ in East Hampton and the Rosé was just a-flowin’.

And yes, Garçon, s’il vous plaît, I shall have another glass!

After cocktails, we were escorted to a secluded porch and were seated at a very long table, which was adorned with fresh flowers and beautiful linen. My seat was purr-fect. Really. I had a direct view of the harbor, and even spotted a stunning yacht or two. Not too bad for moi, a nobody.

However, who knew I would be seated alongside the nicest, funniest people. Really. Go figure! I met a professional photographer, a Branding Expert, a Marketing Expert, and a person who sells Caviar. Wow. What fun!

I could go on and on about this soirée, however, time was a tickin’! After a few hours, I realized I needed to make a dash for it, before I turned back into a 57 year old woman who was cooped up in a house for 18 months.

I also had another engagement I needed to attend, so it was time for me to skedaddle! I know, such a busy person! So many places to go, people to see!

I bid a fond adieu to my new friends and drove off to the next event! The good news was that as I looked into the car’s rearview mirror, I noticed my eyes were still intact and the eye cream was in fact magical.

Maybe I do have a fairy godmama?