Tag: life

Honey, Who Shrunk the Toilet Paper?

Featured Gay Snow4 Comments
So small… (credit: miniadventures)

I am a victim of ‘Shrinkflation’.

According to Investopedia, “…Shrinkflation is the reduction in the size of a product in response to rising production costs or market competition. Rather than increase the price of a product, the company simply offers a smaller package for the same sticker price.”

And by the by, not only is the package smaller, but the price increased.

Gay’s definition of Shrinkflation: Pay more for less. Such a deal! NOT!

Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll

About a month ago, I purchased at our local Super Market King Kullen, The Charmin Mega Roll. This was not one roll, but a humongous package of 18 rolls.  Definitely more toilet paper sheets than even I could go through in 3 days.

FYI, I have been buying Charmin for years…LOVE IT! I know, to love toilet paper. What can I say. One of the few pleasures in life.

A few days ago I had to replenish my supply of toilet paper. To be clear, I did not use all the paper, don’t blame me. We had a lot of guests visit, and quite frankly, it is shocking how much toilet paper people go through. And I thought I was bad! What a relief that I am not the sole reason for the destruction of the Amazon forest.

ToiletpaperGate

Let’s set the scene:  I am cruising down the Supermarket toilet paper aisle with my shopping cart, looking for my beloved Charmin Mega Roll. And then, my eyes gazed upon a Charmin Mega Roll package of toilet paper that was sitting on a shelf… I was in heaven! Sadly, to my chagrin, it was noticeably smaller and lighter than what I am accustomed to purchase. Back in the day, like a month ago, I needed a forklift to pick up my usual package of Charmin Mega Roll (kidding).

How dare Charmin do this to their followers! This oughta be a crime! Sadly, this does not even rise to the level of a parking ticket violation.

Who do I call to file a complaint? The head of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell? He talks about inflation all the time. I am sure he has first-hand knowledge of this scandal. You can be sure he’s been in the bathroom and reached for a roll of toilet paper…he’s just like us. Was the last person who used his bathroom kind enough to leave a sheet or two dangling from the carboard cylinder? Did they leave no toilet paper, because the rolls are too small?  Did they run out of toilet paper at his house too? Was he pissed off? (no pun intended).

The Ad says: Never Run Out!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit ‘A’, a roll of Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll. Charmin advertises “…1 Super Mega Roll = 6 Regular Rolls* so you never run out (*based on number of sheets in Charmin Regular Roll bath tissue)”.

Charmin also advertises that their Super Mega Roll is “…2X more absorbent so you can use less and rolls last you longer vs. the leading USA 1-ply bargain brand.”

Fascinating, right? So this means, we can use less toilet paper because Charmin is more absorbent. Tell it to the Judge, which is your derriere. In fact, Charmin states “…Holds up so your hands and behind keep clean while you go”. I promise you; I did not write this advertising spiel.  

I realize this is “TMI”: ‘Too Much Information’ for you all to absorb (no pun intended, thank you Charmin!).

As a matter of fact, Charmin is now hawking a new product called their ‘Forever Roll”. Really? Who do they think they are shiatting? (no pun intended).

I kid you not. Charmin says you can “…Go up to One Month before changing your roll*.” Oy vey Charmin! You are making me pee in my pants just laughing. Hold on, I gotta grab some toilet paper!

Charmin does have a caveat: The Forever Roll goes up to one month, “…BASED on 2 person household that typically uses one roll per month”. Excuse me, but I have no idea where Charmin got that information from. Was this from a survey of Martians on Mars? Do Martians even use a bathroom?

Did Charmin survey a family with children? Have you ever seen kids go through toilet paper? They put me to shame!

As an environmentally conscious pe-er, I do not apply unlimited amounts of toilet paper to my derriere. A roll only last for a few days. Nothing lasts forever…relationships, gift cards and toilet paper.

Dissapearflation

The reality is the toilet paper did not shrink in size; it is disappearing. Before we know it, a Pez Dispenser will be spitting out teeny tiny pellets of toilet paper. Oh Shit!

MASK UP!

Featured Gay Snow1 Comment

COVID RE-BOOT!

Mask Up! (Braces Optional!)

It’s happenin’ again! Shiat!

Time to wear the mask baby! Whether you like it or not, COVID is here to stay. Think of this as shiat on a shoe. Even if you think you removed it from your shoe, it’s still there. That smell. You just can’t get rid of it.

This is analogous to COVID. Get it?

COVID is NOT goin’ away. At least not until more people get vaccinated.

I for one, never had COVID. I have no idea why I did not catch this virus, or, shall I say, COVID never caught me. However, I march on!

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention Tips

I have done everything my spiritual leader Dr. Fauci requested

  1. Wear a mask indoors at public places.
  2. I got vaccinated.
  3. I wash my hands all day long.
  4. I take a shower at least once a day (for good measure).

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention List is based on Science. However, in addition to Fauci’s list, we Hot Mamas need to follow a COVID Prevention List that is an outgrowth of everyday life.

I don’t know about y’all, but I have created my own COVID Prevention Tips List which is based on Gay’s Common Sense.

Gay’s COVID Prevention Tips not Mentioned by Dr. Fauci:

1. Get SCOPE/Breath Freshener Spray for your breath! When you wear a mask, FYI, your breath stinks!

2. Wear a mask in bed: for relationships that are falling apart due to the pandemic, masking is a great excuse, I mean priceless opportunity to ‘stay safe’.

3. For Vaccinated families: Too much togetherness! INfighting has returned! Don’t we know it honey! That Delta Variant is yet another great excuse for postponing family gatherings.

4. If you are shopping at TJ Maxx and you see another hot mama checkin’ out a designer label dress in your size, feign a coughing attack! Watch everyone run away from you! Go in for the kill and grab the dress!

5. Remember, coughing is the new fart!

Stay tuned…tomorrow is another day!

Hamptons Luncheon!

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Hamptons Luncheon Attire

It happened. I finally received my first invite to a luncheon this summer! In the Hamptons, no less!

An Emotional Moment

Girlfriends, can we talk?

My head is spinning. Now I am gettin’ a hot flash. Do I detect a little underarm perspiration?

I mean, really. This is big news! At least in my teeny tiny world. Someone actually wanted little ole’ me to attend their event. Can you believe it?

And between you and me, this is not your regular iced tea and salad lunch date.

You betcha baby! This is a Hamptons Luncheon, where attendees include a magazine and a celebrity.

Oy vey. I am totally verklmept. Work with me kids. Basic Yiddish 101 for being ‘overcome with emotion’.

The Invitation

You can be sure that when I received the invite, I responded ‘yes’ within 5 seconds. Well, maybe I waited a minute, so as not to reveal my irrational exuberance!

To be clear, I am a refined, highly educated, sophisticated Woman, who knows how to exercise restraint.

Yeah right girlfriends! And believe me when I tell you that this Hot Mama is as subtle as a bull in a China shop!

The Attire

It has been like forever… since I attended a luncheon.

What do you wear to a ‘luncheon event’ in the Hamptons? I have no idea. Of course, I emailed the person who invited me, and asked “ What is the Attire?”.

I know. I am a total schmuck to even inquire as to what to wear to a Hamptons Luncheon. Like Duh. the answer was: “A dress”.

Sistahs, I knew I would have to wear a dress.

Dresses

I am sorry. I just feel that I do not look good in a dress. Keep in mind, this is just in my head. On the rare occasion that I ‘don’ a dress, ‘the people’, A.K.A. ‘onlookers’ or ‘gawkers’ always compliment me.

People lie. Sad but true.

So many factors create this poor self-image. On the day that I have to wear a dress, I could have bad belly bloat akin to that of a woman who is 6 months pregnant.

I have very long, skinny legs, which were constantly mocked by other kids during my childhood. Not only was I brutalized for having the name ‘Gay’, but kids managed to refer to me as ‘Olive Oil’ or ‘Chicken Legs’. I know. Nice.

There is some baggage that never gets lost.

However, the funny thing with dresses is that I never need them fitted. I literally waltz into TJ Maxx, pick a dress off the rack, and go home. No, I rarely try on a dress prior to purchasing it, because I can literally ‘eyeball’ the dress style and measurements and know it will fit.

I know, I know. And I am biatchin’ and moanin’ that I don’t like to wear a dress. What can I say?

Pick a Damn Dress

Clearly, I will wear a dress to this event.

Problem: So many dresses to choose! Rumor has it, I have a few summer frocks in my closet. Many of these dresses are pre-pandemic.

Query: Are they still in style? I don’t know. I don’t wear dresses!

The attire for the luncheon calls for a ‘summer dress’. So, it can’t be a fancy schmancy evening cocktail or party dress. Well, scratch those black dresses off the list.

As I peruse through my closet, I find a cute pink dress, another white dress with flowers, you get the picture. This is when I get nervous. Do I try them on? Would they be too loud? Let’s face it, I am loud enough, that I do not need to wear a fuchsia dress to an intimate luncheon. Or can I? I just don’t know!

Emergency Run to TJ Maxx

You betcha baby. I went runnin’ to TJ Maxx to find a new dress. Keep in mind, the dresses in my closet were only worn once (if that).

Of course, I found these beautiful silky, flowy Theory dresses. You betcha baby! I saw another mama oglin’ the dresses.

I ask my sistahs: What is a crazed hot mama to do? You know me to well! I jumped to the rack with those long chicken legs of mine and grabbed the dresses from the rack and ran to the cashier with my AMEX card in hand!

Aw, no hard feelings. Hell no! Sorry biatch… you know the rules in TJ Maxx. If the prized dress is not in your hand, then too bad, so sad for you girlfriend. You snooze, you lose. So sad. Not!

Hair

I have a problem. I know, I am fraught with issues.

My hairstylist is Amy, and she is amazing. She books out for appointments months in advance.

2 weeks ago, I show up for my scheduled appointment for my color and haircut. And by the by, this appointment is like clockwork.

However, this appointment is different than all other appointments (and no, this is not a lead-in to Passover). I walk in the door, and Amy does not say ‘hi’, rather, she says in jaw-dropped surprise, “what are you doing here”.

Well, what kind of greeting is that? I’m thinkin’ to myself, which I actually blurted out, “are you kidding me?”. Like OMG. I thought I was going to faint.

Girlfriends, to me, hair is sacred. Excuse Moi, but really.

I have known Amy for 19 years… this never happened. Amy can’t find my appointment in her calendar. Well, wouldn’t ya know that OCD Gay kept the email appointment confirmation from Amy.

Yes ma’m. Exhibit ‘A’: Amy sent me an email that she drafted 2 months ago confirming the appointment she scheduled for me.

Compromise

Amy could only color my hair, not cut it. Biatch! But what was I to do? I am at her mercy.

Sistahs, the hairstylist is the ruler of my universe. I don’t ask for much in life, just good consistent color and a nice haircut.

And you know what I got that day? Bupkus! Which means not much. The color came out too light, and I needed a haircut, which I did NOT get. I tried to be subtle, and hide my disappoint and tears, but again, that would not be me.

Blonde Gay

Can you blame me? I flipped out.

To be continued…