COVID GONE VIRAL!

Go Away! NOW!

I do declare that COVID has gone viral!

Like duh! Yes, indeed, that genius pun came to me last night as I was
sippin’ a fine libation.

The things I think of. Oy. I know, pure genius. So, blessed. Not easy
beinGay!

Love Thy Neighbor

Yes…no. Love thy whaaaat?

Word on the street, is that the COVID family has moved to my neighborhood.

Sistahs, as it says in the good book, ‘love thy neighbor’. Amen.

Well, sometimes you can. Not all the time. I don’t love thy neighbors who
are loud at night, don’t spray for ticks, cut their lawns on Saturday mornings
and use their goddamn blowers for hours. At this point, it does not matter if
they don’t even say hello to me. Or, for that matter, acknowledge my existence.
Whateva.

Oy… But those COVIDS. That’s a whole ‘notha story. And no… I do not love,
nor do I want, them as my neighbor.

Why do you ask? I have heard rumors about them. Like OMG!

In truth, I have no idea if they bought a home or are just renting. You
know, peeps here in the Hamptons are so damn ‘private’.

As of this writing, the COVIDS are ensconced in their McMansion that is akin
to a fortress. 40 foot hedges and a driveway gate afford them privacy, not to
mention anonymity.

Who knows if the COVIDS plan to stay here permanently?

The Yentas (Yiddish for chatty peeps) in the neighborhood, have heard the
COVIDS are part of a cult, and may just be in our neighborhood for a few weeks.
They just don’t know.

Apparently, the COVIDS want to spread the gospel. You know, the
good word that hails from the good book they preach every day, all day,
anywhere, everywhere up close and in yo’ face!

Who are the COVIDS?

Well… I personally never met the COVIDS, although my neighbor, Linda, says
they are terrible people. Linda reads a lot of news, including but not limited
to People, Star and US Magazine, and she told me the COVID family are not nice.

Linda just knows ‘things’.

Linda knows a lot about psychology, and she said ‘all the COVIDS, including
their kids, are psychopaths and narcissists’. Oy vey, talk about a one-two punch!
With the COVIDS, it’s always about ‘me, me, me’. They want all the attention.
The COVIDS literally suck all the air out of a room.

Origins of COVIDS

Many Hampton peeps are captivated by the COVIDS. Why, I have no idea. The
COVIDS are in fact a mystery to most. Perhaps this is why the rich and famous
find the COVIDS so alluring. Where are the COVIDS from? What was the origins of
their wealth? Why is their gospel so contagious? Why do rumors about the COVIDS
go viral?

COVID Gatherings

Apparently, the COVIDS love get-togethers. They host large parties inside
their home — they are known to ‘pack people in’. The COVIDS claim the ‘more the
merrier’, although I question their real motive.

Guests have complained it is very difficult to breath inside the COVID’S
McMansion; apparently it is so ‘stuffy’ inside. The COVIDS refuse to open a
window to let fresh air in the house. Apparently, ‘they like it that way’!
Weird…right?

Now, my neighbor Linda, also told me that when the COVIDS have large gatherings,
for some strange reason, someone always faints or gets really sick. I have
gatherings, and no one faints or gets really sick.

Linda said she ‘peered through the hedges, and saw an ambulance show up at
their house during one of these so-called ‘gatherings’. So odd. Right? I don’t
recall ever having an ambulance show up at my house.

What is even more concerning, is that Linda says within days after these
events at their home, the COVID family gets larger. Yes, they multiply. At an
amazing rate.

Everywhere you turn there is another COVID.

How can that be? They obviously do not practice ‘safe sex’. Wear a mask
buddy… oh wait… I meant condom.

Never Met a COVID!

I for one, never met a COVID. But rumor has it, they are dirty people. They
are not clean. Can you imagine? I hear they do not wash their hands, at least
not to the tune of Happy Birthday for 18 seconds.

In fact, when they move into a neighborhood, they bring their garbage with
them
. Did you ever hear of such a thing? I for one, have not.

The nerve of them. I mean I have to pay to have my garbage picked up. They
apparently leave it all over their house.

Clearly, they do not care that they spread germs. My neighbor Linda heard
that the COVIDS do not even have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Purell in their
house. Not even tushy baby wipes!

OMG! I ask you… Who does not have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Tushy wipes
in their house in this day and age? Really?

The COVIDS are shameless people. I have real concerns. They might just show
up at my front door one day, unannounced of course, to simply ‘introduce
themselves’. Ugh. And on top of it, I am sure they will want to invade my
personal space, and stand less than 6 feet apart from me, want to shake my hand
and greet me with a hug and a kiss. Totally gross.

I assume the COVIDS will then push their way into my house, so they can
spread their gospel. They are insidious! They just want everyone to be a member
of their cult.

Like don’t they know this is the Hamptons? On second thought… everyone here
is a follower. Never mind.

NIMBY!

Not In My Back Yard! I am doing everything in my power to make the COVIDS
move away. Like to another planet.

I must confess. I too am a member of a cult. I am a DAF. That is the
abbreviation for the Dr. Anthony Fauci cult. He is my spiritual leader. In our
daily prayer group zoom meetings, Dr. Fauci has told us about the COVIDS.

Fauci says, ‘Beware of the COVIDS; they do not have altruistic motives. They
proselytize to exponentially grow their cult’.

Our leader has advised us to stay away from the COVIDS. The DAF spiritual
teachings make us adhere to a daily protocol to keep the COVIDS out of our home
and neighborhood.

1. Wear a Mask.

2. Get Vaccinated.

3. Get a Booster Shot.

4. Wash your Hands.

5. Do not attend larger indoor parties with strangers.

This protocol is not too difficult to follow. However, for some it can be.

Since we live in the land of the free, some folks don’t want to wear a mask,
or get a vaccine. Okay, I get it. Some folks choose instead to drink Clorox or
get a prescription for a horse de-worming drug. Seems a bit drastic to me, but
I guess it works for some people. Whateva’ floats your boat, or de-worms your
intestines.

On second thought, could be a good remedy for chronic constipation. I wonder
why my Doctor never prescribed this treatment?

End of Summer

The good news for the Hamptons, is that it is the end of the summer, and the
parties are over. People are closing up their summer homes, going back to work,
and kids are returning to school. I suppose the COVIDS will just pack up and
find another place to spread their charm and gospel. At least the Hamptons can
breathe a sigh of relief.

I just wonder…where will the COVIDS turn up next? Or are they already living
right next door to you?


SUPER-SPREADER EVENT!

Bagel Spread

Omg! I believe, I just might have attended a Super-Spreader Event! And no, this does NOT excite me.

The mere thought of attending a Super-Spreader causes me to break out in hives, night-sweats, and insomnia between the hours of 12:30am -3:30am. This culminates in uncontrollable bouts of anxiety.

Hallelujah girlfriends! This happens every day, but at least I finally have a good excuse.

Vaccination Defense

Y’all know that I am vaccinated. But I wonder… is the person standing next to me vaccinated? I just don’t know. At night, anyone can tell I am vaccinated because I glow in the dark since I received my 2nd dose. Although, during the day, you just can’t tell.

Interestingly, a friend of mine, told me since they received their 2nd dose, their brain is now wired to a certain radio frequency and speaks to new friends on Mars. I had no idea. You just don’t know.

My point is…you just don’t know who is vaccinated.

The Memorial Tribute

The event I attended was a ‘Memorial Tribute’. Yes, it was very sad. We lost the beautiful Sistah Hillary.

The Memorial was a celebration of life amidst the tears. For selfish, personal, mental health reasons, I shall attempt to inject some humor into this period of mourning. In my heart, I know Hillary would have appreciated some smiles and laughter.

How to Host a Memorial Tribute During A Pandemic

I know what y’all thinking… how do you host a Memorial during another resurgence of COVID? Well, if the Eagles can perform indoors at Madison Square Garden with thousands of fans, then you can welcome people into your small home.

But really? Can you?

COVID Super-Spreader Criteria

Did you ever wonder…What criteria determines a Super-Spreader Event? I am an attorney. I view this as a legal question. I want to know the following:

1. Is there a magical number of attendees required to be classified as ‘Super-Spreader’?

2. What exempts an event from Super-Spreader status?

3. If all attendees are vaccinated and wear masks, is the event exempt from Super-Spreader status?

4. Was the Memorial a Super-Spreader?

5. What would Judge Judy rule?

The Spreading Event

Let’s set the scene. The Memorial was in New Jersey. I know. Don’t ask. I never go to Jersey. I go to Jersey to drive to Philadelphia. And I rarely go to Philly. I am just not a Jersey Girl (sorry Bruce).

I currently live on Long Island, New York. The drive to/from New Jersey is never, ever good. You must travel on an Expressway, or Turnpike, or Parkway, or a Highway, or sometimes, all of the above if the traffic is really bad. Then you must drive on a Bridge or through a Tunnel.

And the girlfriends in LA think the traffic is bad there. Now that is a joke. But really, what do they know?

The Memorial was scheduled for a Saturday and Sunday. A reasonable thinking person (a legal standard) would think the traffic from Long Island to Jersey on a Saturday or Sunday would be ‘light’, as compared to a weekday. Remember, despite popular belief, we are still in the middle of a pandemic.

And guess what? I drove on Saturday from Long Island to Jersey, and the traffic was terrible. Unbearable is a better word. Yes, I drove for a total of 6 hours that day.

Did anyone receive the pandemic A.K.A. COVID memo? Where you goin’? I suppose everyone is goin’ everywhere! Pandemic, schmandemic!

The Weather

The weather was picture perfect. A delightful summer day…at least 96 degrees, not including the heat index that gave it a ‘real feel’ of 102 degrees. Stagnant Jersey air. Help. Me. Please.

As a result of the oppressive heat, the Memorial had to be held indoors. Question to the reasonable thinking person: ‘You servin’ tuna salad sandwiches on your picnic table outside in 102 degree heat?’ I don’t think so! Judge Judy would concur.

Excuse me…You Vaccinated?

The hosts of the Memorial, Mark and Shelby, were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for Sistah Hillary. However, they were shiattin’ in their pants by the amount of folks that showed up in-person to their home. Yes ma’m.

A nice home for a family of 4. Does not quite work for a Memorial of at least 30 folks during a pandemic.

Excuse me…are you vaccinated? I just don’t know.

Keep in mind, these folks are not strangers. They are close friends and family. They are sad. They are grievin’. They want lovin; they need touchin’. They want to hug and kiss you. And directly talk to you, right in yo’ face. Forget the COVID 6 feet distance rule. We be conversin’ 1.5 feet apart. Indeed. All these peeps be standin’ in your personal COVID free space, which is all happenin’ inside of a house in Jersey.

Let me remind y’all. There is a pandemic goin’ on. Yes ma’m.

Entry Requirement

In a perfect world, Mark and Shelby could have erected a sentry post on their driveway. You betcha baby, why not require all guests to show Proof of Vaccine via CDC Card, NYS Excelsior Pass, or QR Code. But that could prove to be difficult to execute — they would have to determine which cards were made in China and counterfeit.

Alternatively, they could have administered a PCR test. The good news, is that test is a nasal swab, and thankfully NOT an anal swab. No matter, still too invasive- I can’t imagine Mark telling 88 year-old cousin Murray “to hold still” while he sticks a swab up his nose.

Masks

I observed with my keen eagle eyes, that most guests entered the house with a mask. So thoughtful.

Oh yeah baby, many guests entered the home with a heavy heart and a mask held in their hand. It seemed that no one knew if masks were required to be worn in the home, so they opted to hold the mask.

Think about it for a moment. Masks are the perfect accessory to wear at a Memorial. Men (and women in menopause) do not have to shave their beards; women (and maybe some men) do not have to wear make-up; and when you get weepy, you just blow your nose into your mask. Who needs tissues when you wear a mask? I certainly don’t. True.

I know. The things I think of…right?

The Spread

Let me be the first to say, that Mark and Shelby, know how to host a pandemic event.

Oy vey! I am not talkin’ spread of germs. Although, I believe I have established that the spreadin’ of germs was rampant throughout their small Jersey home that day. And yes, the Learned Judge Judy would concur.

Forget about the spread of germs. Who cares? Germs, schmerms. Whateva!

I am talkin’ spread of food. Mark and Shelby said, “We have so much food. Go to the kitchen and eat…please… “. True.

In my tribe, food is the best medicine to treat sadness. Although my neighbor Linda, would politely disagree and toss you a Zoloft, a Valium, or a Klonopin and wash it down with a Gin and Tonic. In fact, if times are really tough, take ’em all!

Unbeknownst to most folks, Mark and John (Hillary’s husband) snuck out of the Memorial to buy a 2nd refrigerator to store all the anticipated leftovers. And yes, Hillary would have approved. I wish they asked me to go with them…anything to get out of that small house in Jersey in 102 degree heat.

Where’s the Kitchen

Where was the food located? In the kitchen, like duh?! And where was the kitchen located? In the back of the house.

You had 2 choices to get to the kitchen. You had to first walk through the entry foyer, where you were greeted by people. Then you could either walk through the dining room or living room to get to the kitchen. Certainly, there was no clear path to the kitchen.

Now, on the way to the kitchen, there were a lot of ‘social-pit-stops’. Keep in mind there were a lot of Jewish and Irish folk at this event. A very chatty group of people. There was absolutely no way in hell you could make it to the kitchen before speaking to at least 20 people. I felt COVID ‘safe’ when I spoke to folks who held their mask. Gave a wonderful, false sense of security. Mind you, Judge Judy would call me an ‘arse’.

Good news! I finally made my way to the kitchen. It was like making it to a finish line!

A nice size kitchen for a family of four. A small kitchen for 20 people, who were elbowing each other for food. Again, so wonderful to be crammed into a small space during COVID.

Oh, and by the by. At this point, no one holding their mask in their hand. It was probably shoved in their pocket. Like duh, you need 2 hands to hold a plate and pile on the food.

On the bright side, there was so much food. So many choices! Turkey, Roast Beef, Pastrami Sandwiches, all on Rye Bread. Is there anything better? Then there were spreads of mustard, russian dressing and mayo.

What? You don’t want a sandwich? Oh, you want a bagel. It was a quick sidestep to the bagel area. Remember, this is a small house in Jersey, you can’t land a plane in this kitchen.

Whatever! So many different kinds of bagels: you got your plain, poppy, sesame, everything bagel. Oh, and there were lots of spreads for the bagel. You had your plain, scallion and vegetable cream cheeses; white fish salad; tuna salad; egg salad. Oy, and then you need to add a slice of tomato and onion to your bagel.

But wait…there’s spreads! Gimme the coleslaw, potato salad, macaroni salad and pickles.

Last, but not least, there was the desserts. Oy!

I told you, this was a Super-Spreader Event.

In Memoriam

Hillary was a beautiful human being, who was effervescent. Her zest for love, life, family, and friends was remarkable. She married a wonderful man, John, akin to manna from heaven. John was a package deal: he came with 2 kids, a girl and boy, and they became a family. These were exceptionally happy years.

Hillary was blessed.

Unfortunately, Hillary was taken to soon in life. She succumbed to the same illness as her mother, and grandmother. Although, one could say Hillary was lucky: she made it to age 47. She lived 8 years longer than her mother. But that was still not long enough. We all wanted more.

As her father so eloquently eulogized, ‘her passing does not follow the natural order of things in life’. As we all know, children, even adult children, should never, ever, predecease their parents.

In the last years of her life, she was fearless. And with her shining Knight by her side, anything could be overcome. Or at least she tried.

Hillary was blessed with a stepmother, who raised her as her own daughter. The word ‘stepmother’ was replaced with the word ‘mom’. Hillary’s mom loved her, cared for her, and was by her side to the very end.

Her brother Mark, 14 months her senior, loved her. And her sister, Lauren, adored her. In fact, resembles her.

Hillary’s family was her Village, her light, and endless source of love and energy. They all stood vigil by her bedside; taking turns to make sure Hillary was never alone.

May Hillary live on in our minds and hearts for eternity.

May her memory be a blessing.

VACCINE HESITANT?

Really? The phrases our society comes up with these days…

Pandemic Life OVER!

I for one, thought COVID was in my rear-view mirror. Or that is what I wanted to believe.

Yeah baby! I began to embrace the new ‘roaring 20’s’ and was makin’ plans! For many months, we have been dining indoors at restaurants (a novel concept), welcoming friends and family inside our home (another novel concept), scheduled a vacation (bought airplane tickets and paid in advance for hotels, and wait for it, got tickets to see the Eagles perform live at Madison Square Garden in NYC in 2 weeks! Imagine that! I know! I just blew your mind!

Delta Variant

Well, the party train is slowin’ down. Shiat! To my dismay, the new ‘Delta’ COVID strain , is spreadin’ like wildfire throughout the good ‘ole U.S. of A., latching on to our fellow peeps who ‘chose’ not to get vaccinated.

Freedom to Choose

Once again, who comes up with these phrases?

When I was in law school, like 100 years ago, the best class (in my esteemed opinion) I took was Constitutional Law. Oh yes! One full year of reading and analyzing the legal cases that were argued before and ultimately decided by the U.S. Supreme Court. I was fascinated by the historical development of case law that culminated in Landmark Decisions rendered by the Court.

Clearly, I was profoundly mesmerized by the U.S. Constitution, which became my legal ‘bible’.

To this day, it is ingrained in my soul that the U.S. Constitution is a masterpiece…drafted by our ‘forefathers’ to be a ‘living, breathing’ document to be interpreted to grow with a young nation. Yes, to grow with an ever-changing society, to afford inalienable rights to ‘We the People’ to flourish.

Let’s just cut to the chase. What does any of this constitutional hyperbole have to do with COVID-19?

News flash Sistahs: During a global pandemic, there is no freedom to choose to take a vaccine. It is not a choice. It is a responsibility to your countrymen and women, your family, friends, and to yourself.

The Global Stage

In my experience as a human being living amongst other humans in a global society, I thought we had a responsibility to each other.

Somewhere along the way, thanks to the invention of ‘social media’, ‘rumors’ evolved into fake news. The mass dissemination of false information, has splintered our society. We no longer ‘love they neighbor’.

The sad part of this tale, is that the people who exercised their self-proclaimed ‘freedom of choice’ to not get the COVID vaccine, are the same people who are suffering the most from COVID now. It pains me to see my fellow countrymen hospitalized and gravely ill with COVID. This scenario is so tragic, because the vaccine would have limited the severity of this virus, prevented the increase in hospitalizations and countless deaths.

Vaccines and Urban Legends

I can understand why anyone could be ‘vaccine hesitant’. However,…is a person’s reluctance to take a lifesaving vaccine premised upon scientific information or urban legends?

COVID-19 Vaccine Urban Legends

1. The Government, or Microsoft, or Aliens have implanted a Computer Chip into each vaccine.

2. The Computer Chip can ‘track’ your movement.

3. The Vaccine can make you magnetic.

4. Yes, Magnetic: I actually saw on television a woman claim she was ‘magnetized’ by the vaccine, as she desperately tried to show how a spoon can attach to her chest.

5. FYI: The Spoon did not attach to her chest. It attached to the ground, because it fell there.

6. On a personal note, I believe my husband implanted a computer chip years ago in my tush; that man knows when I am sneakin’ into TJ Maxx!

COVID-19 Vaccine Scientific Information

1. Yes, COVID Vaccines are ‘New’.

2. Many people are not aware of the extensive global effort put forth to develop COVID Vaccines.

3. Many people do not know that the Pfizer and Moderna mRNA technology has been studied for over 30 years.

4. Many people do not know that the mRNA vaccines will eventually provide new treatments for autoimmune illnesses, because they do not suppress the immune system.

Prior to the availability of the COVID vaccine, I spoke with all my physicians regarding the safety and efficacy of the vaccine.

Girlfriends, I have a lot of physicians. It is hard to believe, but most of them are way smarter than me. Yes, I defer to their medical backgrounds and experience. All my physicians unanimously told me to get the COVID vaccine.

Pandemic NOT OVER!

This freakin’ pandemic is totally not over. I am NOT a happy camper. I do not want to continue to live in this COVID nightmare.

For instance. Yesterday, I was at the local supermarket, and I needed to get a dish detergent — ‘Dawn Power Spray’ (amazing for the cleaning up dishes, pots, pans). When I approached the detergent aisle, I was in shock!

Deja vu! Several shelves were empty! It was COVID II re-boot. I felt light-headed and almost hyper-ventilated in my mask. A grocery employee was in that aisle (less than 6 feet away from me), and I asked, “What happened? Why are the shelves empty?” The employee replied, “Don’t you know… there is a pandemic goin’ on, and there is a shortage of truckers, and supplies”. Oh, thank you. Like I did not know there was a pandemic happenin’.

Oh, and by the way, if you have not noticed when you are inside stores, most if not all the employees and many customers are wearing masks. Again.

Excuse me…are you wondering why peeps are wearin’ masks? According to my physicians, “a mask must be worn indoors to protect the vaccinated from the unvaccinated”.

The New Reality

Clearly, we all will be living with COVID for year years to come. The only way We the People will overcome this pandemic, is to vaccinate. Period, end of story.

MASK UP!

COVID RE-BOOT!

Mask Up! (Braces Optional!)

It’s happenin’ again! Shiat!

Time to wear the mask baby! Whether you like it or not, COVID is here to stay. Think of this as shiat on a shoe. Even if you think you removed it from your shoe, it’s still there. That smell. You just can’t get rid of it.

This is analogous to COVID. Get it?

COVID is NOT goin’ away. At least not until more people get vaccinated.

I for one, never had COVID. I have no idea why I did not catch this virus, or, shall I say, COVID never caught me. However, I march on!

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention Tips

I have done everything my spiritual leader Dr. Fauci requested

  1. Wear a mask indoors at public places.
  2. I got vaccinated.
  3. I wash my hands all day long.
  4. I take a shower at least once a day (for good measure).

Dr. Fauci’s COVID Prevention List is based on Science. However, in addition to Fauci’s list, we Hot Mamas need to follow a COVID Prevention List that is an outgrowth of everyday life.

I don’t know about y’all, but I have created my own COVID Prevention Tips List which is based on Gay’s Common Sense.

Gay’s COVID Prevention Tips not Mentioned by Dr. Fauci:

1. Get SCOPE/Breath Freshener Spray for your breath! When you wear a mask, FYI, your breath stinks!

2. Wear a mask in bed: for relationships that are falling apart due to the pandemic, masking is a great excuse, I mean priceless opportunity to ‘stay safe’.

3. For Vaccinated families: Too much togetherness! INfighting has returned! Don’t we know it honey! That Delta Variant is yet another great excuse for postponing family gatherings.

4. If you are shopping at TJ Maxx and you see another hot mama checkin’ out a designer label dress in your size, feign a coughing attack! Watch everyone run away from you! Go in for the kill and grab the dress!

5. Remember, coughing is the new fart!

Stay tuned…tomorrow is another day!