The Hamptons summer is over. Another chapter scribbled into to the comic book of life and Dan’s Papers.
The official conclusion of a Hamptons summer is marked by the Tuesday after Labor Day, known as ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’.
end of hamptons summer tumbleweeds
Do I have to explain everything? The rest of the stragglers, hanger ‘onners roll outa’ here as if they were tumbleweeds! Hence the phrase ‘Tumbleweed Tuesday’. Oy vey!
We local folk are like, thank you, and leave now! We had enough of the traffic, the attitude (‘tude’), crowds, yada yada yada.
And Just Like That…
And just like that, summer is over. So sad. Not really.
When the summer peeps roll out of the Hamptons, it is like loosing your bloat after a menstrual cycle.
Girlfriends, ya know what I am talkin’ ‘bout! It’s like hallelujah, I can finally fit in those pants again!
Now that summer peeps are ensconced in NYC, I can finally score a dinner reservation at the posh restaurant Bistro Ete and make a left hand turn onto Montauk Highway.
Thank you summer peeps for not being here!
Hamptons Summer Memories
As I reflect on my summer of 2022, here are just a few quintessential Hamptons moments I will share with y’all.
COVID, Hamptons Summer Style
Well, we all thought COVID was over, but I got COVID in June. Despite getting four vaccines, having a great immune system, still got it.
That she-devil COVID decided to hang out with me in the Hamptons for the better part of the summer. You know what I am talking about. I am cool with any guest staying a few days, but for several weeks with no end in sight? COVID knows no boundaries.
COVID is a horrible house guest. That girl is a user and a taker. She sapped all the energy from me… I was exhausted from hosting her. She just barged into my life, unannounced. What a Biatch! She used me to stay in the glamorous Hamptons for a summer experience. Her plan was to invade the Hamptons and party every night. Boy, that girl has big balls!
Not on my watch Sistah! I caught her right away, and never let her out of the house.
And I ask you…Why me? I did everything for her. Let her sleep as long as she needed; did not ask her to help around the house; and I fed her great meals. And you ask, what did she do for me? That biatch gave me post-COVID migraine headaches that promptly started every day, for several weeks at 5pm. NO cocktails for Gay. I was drowning my pain and agony in Excedrin for Migraine Headaches with Advil chasers.
That Biatch finally lost her hold on me…and she packed up and left. I was just shy of getting an exorcism.
Share the Hamptons Summer Roads
Nobody, no one shares the road during a Hamptons Summer. Cyclists, bicycle riders, runners, joggers, walkers and cars do not share the road. It is all about ‘me me me’, losing weight, and fittin’ into that speedo.
Who knew the Hamptons attracted so many weekend warriors who take to the streets! The sheer number of fitness enthusiasts are staggering! So many Hamptons peeps are passionate about breaking a sweat. Go figure…
There are the fitness peeps – the runners (not joggers) and the cyclists (not bike riders). The runners and cyclists are athletes – they are on a mission. They are determined to get their mileage logged in for the day. They are on the road early, so as to avoid getting hit by a car. Smart.
The bike riders, who I fondly call ‘idiots on bikes’, and the walkers, are herded together side by side as if they were in a parade. They pretend to be blissfully ignorant of the line-up of Range Rovers, Ferraris and Bentleys trailing behind them.
Just a battle of egos… these are the same peeps who did not share their toys in Kindergarten. I did not like them then, and I don’t like them now.
Bid Adieu
On Tumbleweed Tuesday, we bid a fond adieu to our neighbors. The Hamptons roads are less congested, which is such a relief. However, the skies are filled with helicopters akin to taxis, taking all the summer folks back to the city. And of course the flight pattern is over my house.
Excuse me? Drive back to NYC in all that traffic with the peasants?
You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!
As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.
First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.
Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’
Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!
My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.
To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.
The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!
Oy! Please, enough already! Today is Day 7, and to be honest, I have had enough of COVID. Sadly, it has not had enough of me. Not an equitable relationship.
The problem with getting COVID, is that it’s just not your common cold.
As we all know by now, COVID affects each person differently. Some people who test positive for COVID are ‘asymptomatic’ and experience no symptoms. However, they are still a walking petri dish and still must isolate. Then there are the spectrum of folks who experience mild symptoms (like me), moderate symptoms and just fall apart for a week or two, and those who experience severe symptoms, who need to be hospitalized and just may succumb to the virus. Scary, right?
Since COVID is a highly contagious virus, and, if a person cares about another human being, well, you want to do the right thing and isolate. Yes, you do the right thing and stay away from other people (even if you hate them).
Isolating at Home
I suppose I am lucky. My kids are out of the house, and it is just me and my husband. Akin to two people stranded on an island. In this case, Long Island. So dreamy, right? Nah, I don’t think so.
Despite having 100 COVID shots between us (just joking), since the minute I tested positive for COVID, I am now sleeping in my younger son’s bedroom. The room is a time capsule, intact from last year, when he graduated from College.
My husband is still testing negative, which is great for him. To keep him negative, I wear a KN95 mask in the house, and Lysol spray is my new perfume. I know, sexy, right?
When it is not raining and there are no gale force winds, we can dine together, outside. What a real treat.
Now, for some people who can’t stand their spouses, COVID is a great excuse to stay away. Right? A self-imposed separation. For some odd reason, I actually like the guy I married. Call me crazy, or maybe it is the COVID brain? But, it has been hard to be separated.
Our anniversary is tomorrow. First off, amazing we made it to 27 years of marriage! Woo Hoo! Second, we shall celebrate just ‘the two of us.’ Our plans were cancelled, because I am still testing positive for COVID. For heavens sake…no one has hugged me in a week!
Perks of Day 7 of COVID
So exciting! Made it to day 7 of COVID! So many doors have opened to me as per the CDC. Since I am finishing my Paxlovid, have experienced mild symptoms, never had a fever, and I can now go out in Public. But, there is always that but… I am required to wear a mask at all times.
To make sure I do not infect my fellow human beings (even the ones I can’t stand), I wear two KN95 masks.
Remaining Symptoms
COVID has left me tired, and I have a raspy, hoarse voice. Once the symptoms of COVID rooted, I had an extremely upset stomach, which contributed to the weight loss I experienced. (You can fill in the gory details.)
I am always the optimistic: my bikini will look awesome this summer, or whatever that means for a 58 year old hot mama!
This is now Day 5 of COVID. I am exhausted. I literally can’t move. It is hard to believe this is a ‘mild’ case of COVID.
Even though I am not a Board Certified Physician, I am a certifiable Jewess Mama Doc. I believe the Paxlovid antiviral drug I am taking stopped COVID in its tracks. Yes, the symptoms stopped getting worse.
I would opine there is an internal struggle going on at this very moment in my ole’ body to defeat COVID. Thus, I am totally wiped out. This never happens to me.
What is totally odd, is that my mind is clear. I can think. I am not experiencing COVID ‘brain fog.’ In fact, my neck has been killing me for months, and that pain has greatly diminished. So weird.
Sleepin’ and Dreamin’
Hallelujah, I slept last night. 11 hours, which is so not normal for me. As you know my Dear Diary, as a Menopausal Mama, I am lucky if I sleep 6 hours a night due to my punctual pee-pee wake-ups every 2 hours.
Diary, I did have an odd dream. The last dream I remember, was that I was sitting in a Denny’s restaurant that was also a bagel shoppe; and I ordered eggs and an English Muffin for breakfast. So odd, right? I skipped the poppy-seed bagel, hash-browns and bacon because I wanted to ‘watch my weight’ and keep my cholesterol low.
Diary, what a relief that I am concerned about my health in my dreams! But really, this is what I dream about?
Greetings from COVID land. COVID is certainly nothing to sneeze at.
Shame, shame on COVID. Today, COVID knocked me on my skinny arse. Day Three has not been fun. I am exhausted. I literally cannot move. And by the by, this never happens to me.
Convalescing in the Hamptons
Thank goodness it is warm outside and not raining in the posh Hamptons. I was able to ‘isolate,’ and ‘alienate’ myself from the rest of the family by staying outside on a lounge chair.
Hold your damn horses. Yes, I am convalescing on a lounge chair in the Hamptons, the sun is shining, and I can hear the ocean waves breaking along the shore. However, this is not a sexy tale. I am laying under a warm, chenille cuddle blanket from COSTCO with my trusted Havanese, Latte at my side.
I am also hacking, coughing, hacking, choking and gagging all day. Better to be outside than pollute the entire house with COVID germs.
I know, such a pretty picture, right?
Getting Worse
As the day progressed, I noticed that my condition was worsening. How could I not? I was coughing more, and I started getting ‘flu-like’ symptoms. Still no fever, and certainly not the end of the world.
However, by the end of the day, I felt as if I was melting into the couch.
Then I wondered, ‘is my breathing labored’? It was becoming more and more difficult for me to breathe through my mask. Yes, the Jewess hypochondriac in me now was running this derailed COVID train. To be clear, it is not easy to wear a mask when you are battling COVID.
To make sure I was getting enough oxygen, I searched the house for the Pulse Oximeter. I bought that gadget at the beginning of the pandemic 2.5 years ago. Thankfully, the battery still worked (it was made in China).
Good news! I was alive and there was oxygen in my blood. I breathed a sigh of relief and proceeded to cough.
Paxlovid
Last night, the coughing was getting worse, the fatigue was getting worse, and I felt feverish. My chest was hurting from all the coughing, and now I detected a ‘wheeze.’ Paleeze, the time had come for me to take the antiviral Paxlovid.
Doctors do advise not to take Paxlovid if you are experiencing a mild strain of COVID. However, I felt my body was deteriorating. I thought I could fight through COVID, but alas, I could not.
I am grateful to be fully vaccinated and have access to COVID antiviral drugs. As I go through this journey, it saddens me to know how many innocent lives were lost to this virus because people simply chose not to get vaccinated.
STAY POSITIVE, TEST NEGATIVE! HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022!
Sistahs and Brothas, can you believe it will be 2022? In my COVID induced time warp bubble, I am still stuck in 2019.
Y’all know that I am NOT the only person who feels this way.
Fear not my peeps! We shall prevail in 2022.
In truth, I am full of shiat, and have no idea what 2022 holds.
I am just tryin’ to stay positive. To be clear, to have a positive emotional outlook. I want to always have a negative COVID test!
If I do say so myself, I have become a bit of a self-proclaimed expert in the field of COVID Living. Hmmm…sounds like Gay’s Talkin’ Points for 2022.
I shall share just a few Words of Wisdom to welcome in yet another, COVID New Year.
COVID Living 2022 Tips
Stay calm.
Meditate to Stay Calm.
Take Prozac (or any equivalent) to Stay Calm.
When you leave your ‘inside world,’ your home, take a deep breath. Yes, this means my friend Fran in New York!
Mask-Up!
In the ‘outside world,’ always wear an approved FDA mask/respirator that is an N95, KN95, KF94, 3-ply, no cotton, tight-fitting surgical/non-surgical mask.
Always carry Purell, Alcohol (not vodka)- isopropyl alcohol you idiot, and Clorox/Lysol wipes.
Goggles, gloves and booties are optional.
VAX Card
Currently you must be triple vaccinated to mingle in the outside world.
Always carry your Official/Legitimate/Lawful VAX Card in the outside world.
You must download your State Digital Vaccine APP on your Cell Phone.
Always carry a Photo-ID to verify your identity when you present your VAX CARD/Digital Record.
Crazy Peeps
Understand the COVID outside world is filled with crazy peeps (don’t ya know that!).
In the outside world, do not look at others. Stay focused, keep head down.
Do not judge others in the outside world. This means you Fran, in New York.
If you are in a store and observe a person who ‘dons’ a red baseball cap and does not wear a mask, you must look away! Keep walking straight. Under no circumstances are you to make eye contact.
Carry the Dr. Fauci Bible at all times.
Wear Garlic around your neck in the outside world. The garlic odor, coupled with the Fauci Bible and Surgical Mask will keep crazy people away a minimum distance of six feet.
For people who are sensitive to odors, like my friend Fran in New York, if you do not wear garlic, carry a full size can of Lysol Spray. That should do the trick.
Sneezing
Stay Away from anyone who Sneezes in any indoor spaces in the outside world.
The Sneeze is the new fahrt…a sneeze in an indoor space, will cause a stampede.
And remember…a mask can reduce your chances of getting COVID. For some reason, masks do not conceal a fahrt. Too bad.
Bathroom Etiquette Outside World
Do not touch the door to the bathroom.
Do not touch the door to the stall.
Do not touch the toilet.
Do not sit on the toilet.
Do not touch the lever to flush the toilet.
Do wash your hands with soap and water and sing happy birthday three times.
Do not use ‘hand blow dryer’ – COVID spikes will spread everywhere. Drip-dry hands.
And please, even if you are hyperventilating and can’t breathe while you are following all these ‘Do Not’ instructions while you are peeing, please, please, please, keep your mask on at all times.
Last, but not least, get your COVID Rapid Test Kits and store them in a cool-dry place in your home next to your paper towels and toilet paper! My friend Fran in New York has done this.
I wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year. We can get through this COVID shiat together!
Oh yeah baby! Santa Claus is comin’ to your COVID Town!
But wait! Don’t get your balls, I mean bells all jiggly just yet!
Santa Almighty
It is true. Santa is brilliant and has a few magical powers tucked away. Ask Mrs. Claus. She hates when Mom’s jump on Santa’s lap to get their Candy Canes.
All jokin’ aside, Santa was ahead of his time by powering up his sleigh with reindeer. A true forward thinker. Even Elon Musk can’t figure out how to pull Santa’s sleigh with Reindeer.
Too bad Santa never figured out how to stop the reindeer from shiattin’ all over the world when they make their Christmas ‘present drops’.
Unfortunately, despite Santa’s enviable characteristics, he is at a high-risk for complications from COVID.
Elf Chat Rooms
To aid in my investigative research on Santa, I have infiltrated Elf Chat Rooms on the internet. Those Elves are such yentas! Oy vey! Do they have the gift of gab!
Word in these chat rooms, is that the Elves, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the Reindeer have been isolating in the North Pole for two years now.
Last year, Due to COVID Lockdowns, they never left the North Pole. However, this year, Santa has proclaimed ‘there will be no Christmas closures due to COVID’. The Elves have been working in the Santa Factory shoulder to shoulder all year building and constructing toys for all the children of the World.
Largest Employer of Elves
The Elves have been working for Santa for generations, and if something were to happen to Santa, they would be on the unemployment line.
Just think for a moment. Santa is the largest and only, employer of Elves. Custom toy making is a lost art. Elves make toys with their little elf hands. This is an extremely time consuming process. If Santa got COVID, who would provide room, board, medical and dental coverage to thousands of elves? You can be sure: NOT CHINA.
Top Doctor
Santa is currently under the care of North Pole renown physician and Elf, Dr. Gerald Jerome (a.k.a “Jerry Jerry”). Just A bit concerning…Jerry Jerry is not the brightest light on the Christmas Tree or Menorah for that matter.
I know, it is very rare that you hear of an elf who becomes a physician. The last thing any Elf parent wants is for their Elf Child to become a Doctor.
Dr. Jerry Jerry hailed from a long line of elves who were master toy makers. Unfortunately, Jerry Jerry built toy airplanes that always crashed. He was thrown out of the Elf Academy. Keep in mind, very few Elves fail at toy building. His mother and father were plotzing ; they shrieked “who fails out of Elf Academy?”
In fact, his mother cried ‘this is a shonda’ (a Yiddish definition: ‘shameful’).
So, the next best thing was to become a doctor. Oy vey.
Go figure…years later, Dr. Jerry Jerry became the ‘Head Physician’ to Santa Claus.
Santa’s COVID Risk Factors
Kinda Old.
Kinda Heavy.
Borderline Diabetic; Santa sneaks candy when Mrs. Claus not watching.
Smokes a Corn Cob Pipe when Mrs. Claus not watching.
Dr. Jerry Jerry recently held a press conference at the Elf Union Headquarters in the North Pole and confirmed that Santa and Mrs. Claus have been fully vaccinated and received their boosters.
The Elves already knew that. You see, Santa required mandatory COVID vaccines for all Elves. If they did not comply by September 1 of this year, an elf would be thrown out of Santa’s Village on their pointy ear.
Santa’s COVID Protocols
To put the ho ho ho back into Christmas, Santa and his Doctor have established Christmas Protocols.
According to the Elf Chat Rooms, this is going to be a very different Christmas.
Remember, the intent is to keep Santa healthy.
Mask Protocols Outdoors
Santa travels on an ‘open-air’ sled. Santa, Reindeer, and Elves do not have to wear a mask outdoors on the sled.
Vaccination Protocols for Delivering Presents
Santa is only permitted to enter a home and slide down the chimney where every family member is fully vaccinated.
Santa will not slide down your chimney if you are not vaccinated.
Santa knows who is naughty or nice.
Santa knows who is naughty and has a fake VAX Card.
Santa is not petty. He will still leave presents for children whose parents chose not to get vaccinated. Check your back door Christmas morning.
Support Santa
These are tough times for Santa. He is a World traveler. He has never encountered any problems entering a country. Not even a Wall can stop him.
But COVID, this is another story. Santa is not getting any younger. We need to ensure that future generations of children will enjoy the rituals we all love to share.
Please Get Fully Vaccinated.
Please Get your Booster Shots.
Please Wear a Mask.
Oh, and please practice social distancing. Except when you are standing under the mistletoe, are fully vaccinated, got a booster, and had a negative COVID test. Then, by all means, kiss that person!
Like duh! Yes, indeed, that genius pun came to me last night as I was sippin’ a fine libation.
The things I think of. Oy. I know, pure genius. So, blessed. Not easy beinGay!
Love Thy Neighbor
Yes…no. Love thy whaaaat?
Word on the street, is that the COVID family has moved to my neighborhood.
Sistahs, as it says in the good book, ‘love thy neighbor’. Amen.
Well, sometimes you can. Not all the time. I don’t love thy neighbors who are loud at night, don’t spray for ticks, cut their lawns on Saturday mornings and use their goddamn blowers for hours. At this point, it does not matter if they don’t even say hello to me. Or, for that matter, acknowledge my existence. Whateva.
Oy… But those COVIDS. That’s a whole ‘notha story. And no… I do not love, nor do I want, them as my neighbor.
Why do you ask? I have heard rumors about them. Like OMG!
In truth, I have no idea if they bought a home or are just renting. You know, peeps here in the Hamptons are so damn ‘private’.
As of this writing, the COVIDS are ensconced in their McMansion that is akin to a fortress. 40 foot hedges and a driveway gate afford them privacy, not to mention anonymity.
Who knows if the COVIDS plan to stay here permanently?
The Yentas (Yiddish for chatty peeps) in the neighborhood, have heard the COVIDS are part of a cult, and may just be in our neighborhood for a few weeks. They just don’t know.
Apparently, the COVIDS want to spread the gospel. You know, the good word that hails from the good book they preach every day, all day, anywhere, everywhere up close and in yo’ face!
Who are the COVIDS?
Well… I personally never met the COVIDS, although my neighbor, Linda, says they are terrible people. Linda reads a lot of news, including but not limited to People, Star and US Magazine, and she told me the COVID family are not nice.
Linda just knows ‘things’.
Linda knows a lot about psychology, and she said ‘all the COVIDS, including their kids, are psychopaths and narcissists’. Oy vey, talk about a one-two punch! With the COVIDS, it’s always about ‘me, me, me’. They want all the attention. The COVIDS literally suck all the air out of a room.
Origins of COVIDS
Many Hampton peeps are captivated by the COVIDS. Why, I have no idea. The COVIDS are in fact a mystery to most. Perhaps this is why the rich and famous find the COVIDS so alluring. Where are the COVIDS from? What was the origins of their wealth? Why is their gospel so contagious? Why do rumors about the COVIDS go viral?
COVID Gatherings
Apparently, the COVIDS love get-togethers. They host large parties inside their home — they are known to ‘pack people in’. The COVIDS claim the ‘more the merrier’, although I question their real motive.
Guests have complained it is very difficult to breath inside the COVID’S McMansion; apparently it is so ‘stuffy’ inside. The COVIDS refuse to open a window to let fresh air in the house. Apparently, ‘they like it that way’! Weird…right?
Now, my neighbor Linda, also told me that when the COVIDS have large gatherings, for some strange reason, someone always faints or gets really sick. I have gatherings, and no one faints or gets really sick.
Linda said she ‘peered through the hedges, and saw an ambulance show up at their house during one of these so-called ‘gatherings’. So odd. Right? I don’t recall ever having an ambulance show up at my house.
What is even more concerning, is that Linda says within days after these events at their home, the COVID family gets larger. Yes, they multiply. At an amazing rate.
Everywhere you turn there is another COVID.
How can that be? They obviously do not practice ‘safe sex’. Wear a mask buddy… oh wait… I meant condom.
Never Met a COVID!
I for one, never met a COVID. But rumor has it, they are dirty people. They are not clean. Can you imagine? I hear they do not wash their hands, at least not to the tune of Happy Birthday for 18 seconds.
In fact, when they move into a neighborhood, they bring their garbage with them. Did you ever hear of such a thing? I for one, have not.
The nerve of them. I mean I have to pay to have my garbage picked up. They apparently leave it all over their house.
Clearly, they do not care that they spread germs. My neighbor Linda heard that the COVIDS do not even have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Purell in their house. Not even tushy baby wipes!
OMG! I ask you… Who does not have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Tushy wipes in their house in this day and age? Really?
The COVIDS are shameless people. I have real concerns. They might just show up at my front door one day, unannounced of course, to simply ‘introduce themselves’. Ugh. And on top of it, I am sure they will want to invade my personal space, and stand less than 6 feet apart from me, want to shake my hand and greet me with a hug and a kiss. Totally gross.
I assume the COVIDS will then push their way into my house, so they can spread their gospel. They are insidious! They just want everyone to be a member of their cult.
Like don’t they know this is the Hamptons? On second thought… everyone here is a follower. Never mind.
NIMBY!
Not In My Back Yard! I am doing everything in my power to make the COVIDS move away. Like to another planet.
I must confess. I too am a member of a cult. I am a DAF. That is the abbreviation for the Dr. Anthony Fauci cult. He is my spiritual leader. In our daily prayer group zoom meetings, Dr. Fauci has told us about the COVIDS.
Fauci says, ‘Beware of the COVIDS; they do not have altruistic motives. They proselytize to exponentially grow their cult’.
Our leader has advised us to stay away from the COVIDS. The DAF spiritual teachings make us adhere to a daily protocol to keep the COVIDS out of our home and neighborhood.
1. Wear a Mask.
2. Get Vaccinated.
3. Get a Booster Shot.
4. Wash your Hands.
5. Do not attend larger indoor parties with strangers.
This protocol is not too difficult to follow. However, for some it can be.
Since we live in the land of the free, some folks don’t want to wear a mask, or get a vaccine. Okay, I get it. Some folks choose instead to drink Clorox or get a prescription for a horse de-worming drug. Seems a bit drastic to me, but I guess it works for some people. Whateva’ floats your boat, or de-worms your intestines.
On second thought, could be a good remedy for chronic constipation. I wonder why my Doctor never prescribed this treatment?
End of Summer
The good news for the Hamptons, is that it is the end of the summer, and the parties are over. People are closing up their summer homes, going back to work, and kids are returning to school. I suppose the COVIDS will just pack up and find another place to spread their charm and gospel. At least the Hamptons can breathe a sigh of relief.
I just wonder…where will the COVIDS turn up next? Or are they already living right next door to you?
Omg! I believe, I just might have attended a Super-Spreader Event! And no, this does NOT excite me.
The mere thought of attending a Super-Spreader causes me to break out in hives, night-sweats, and insomnia between the hours of 12:30am -3:30am. This culminates in uncontrollable bouts of anxiety.
Hallelujah girlfriends! This happens every day, but at least I finally have a good excuse.
Vaccination Defense
Y’all know that I am vaccinated. But I wonder… is the person standing next to me vaccinated? I just don’t know. At night, anyone can tell I am vaccinated because I glow in the dark since I received my 2nd dose. Although, during the day, you just can’t tell.
Interestingly, a friend of mine, told me since they received their 2nd dose, their brain is now wired to a certain radio frequency and speaks to new friends on Mars. I had no idea. You just don’t know.
My point is…you just don’t know who is vaccinated.
The Memorial Tribute
The event I attended was a ‘Memorial Tribute’. Yes, it was very sad. We lost the beautiful Sistah Hillary.
The Memorial was a celebration of life amidst the tears. For selfish, personal, mental health reasons, I shall attempt to inject some humor into this period of mourning. In my heart, I know Hillary would have appreciated some smiles and laughter.
How to Host a Memorial Tribute During A Pandemic
I know what y’all thinking… how do you host a Memorial during another resurgence of COVID? Well, if the Eagles can perform indoors at Madison Square Garden with thousands of fans, then you can welcome people into your small home.
But really? Can you?
COVID Super-Spreader Criteria
Did you ever wonder…What criteria determines a Super-Spreader Event? I am an attorney. I view this as a legal question. I want to know the following:
1. Is there a magical number of attendees required to be classified as ‘Super-Spreader’?
2. What exempts an event from Super-Spreader status?
3. If all attendees are vaccinated and wear masks, is the event exempt from Super-Spreader status?
4. Was the Memorial a Super-Spreader?
5. What would Judge Judy rule?
The Spreading Event
Let’s set the scene. The Memorial was in New Jersey. I know. Don’t ask. I never go to Jersey. I go to Jersey to drive to Philadelphia. And I rarely go to Philly. I am just not a Jersey Girl (sorry Bruce).
I currently live on Long Island, New York. The drive to/from New Jersey is never, ever good. You must travel on an Expressway, or Turnpike, or Parkway, or a Highway, or sometimes, all of the above if the traffic is really bad. Then you must drive on a Bridge or through a Tunnel.
And the girlfriends in LA think the traffic is bad there. Now that is a joke. But really, what do they know?
The Memorial was scheduled for a Saturday and Sunday. A reasonable thinking person (a legal standard) would think the traffic from Long Island to Jersey on a Saturday or Sunday would be ‘light’, as compared to a weekday. Remember, despite popular belief, we are still in the middle of a pandemic.
And guess what? I drove on Saturday from Long Island to Jersey, and the traffic was terrible. Unbearable is a better word. Yes, I drove for a total of 6 hours that day.
Did anyone receive the pandemic A.K.A. COVID memo? Where you goin’? I suppose everyone is goin’ everywhere! Pandemic, schmandemic!
The Weather
The weather was picture perfect. A delightful summer day…at least 96 degrees, not including the heat index that gave it a ‘real feel’ of 102 degrees. Stagnant Jersey air. Help. Me. Please.
As a result of the oppressive heat, the Memorial had to be held indoors. Question to the reasonable thinking person: ‘You servin’ tuna salad sandwiches on your picnic table outside in 102 degree heat?’ I don’t think so! Judge Judy would concur.
Excuse me…You Vaccinated?
The hosts of the Memorial, Mark and Shelby, were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for Sistah Hillary. However, they were shiattin’ in their pants by the amount of folks that showed up in-person to their home. Yes ma’m.
A nice home for a family of 4. Does not quite work for a Memorial of at least 30 folks during a pandemic.
Excuse me…are you vaccinated? I just don’t know.
Keep in mind, these folks are not strangers. They are close friends and family. They are sad. They are grievin’. They want lovin; they need touchin’. They want to hug and kiss you. And directly talk to you, right in yo’ face. Forget the COVID 6 feet distance rule. We be conversin’ 1.5 feet apart. Indeed. All these peeps be standin’ in your personal COVID free space, which is all happenin’ inside of a house in Jersey.
Let me remind y’all. There is a pandemic goin’ on. Yes ma’m.
Entry Requirement
In a perfect world, Mark and Shelby could have erected a sentry post on their driveway. You betcha baby, why not require all guests to show Proof of Vaccine via CDC Card, NYS Excelsior Pass, or QR Code. But that could prove to be difficult to execute — they would have to determine which cards were made in China and counterfeit.
Alternatively, they could have administered a PCR test. The good news, is that test is a nasal swab, and thankfully NOT an anal swab. No matter, still too invasive- I can’t imagine Mark telling 88 year-old cousin Murray “to hold still” while he sticks a swab up his nose.
Masks
I observed with my keen eagle eyes, that most guests entered the house with a mask. So thoughtful.
Oh yeah baby, many guests entered the home with a heavy heart and a mask held in their hand. It seemed that no one knew if masks were required to be worn in the home, so they opted to hold the mask.
Think about it for a moment. Masks are the perfect accessory to wear at a Memorial. Men (and women in menopause) do not have to shave their beards; women (and maybe some men) do not have to wear make-up; and when you get weepy, you just blow your nose into your mask. Who needs tissues when you wear a mask? I certainly don’t. True.
I know. The things I think of…right?
The Spread
Let me be the first to say, that Mark and Shelby, know how to host a pandemic event.
Oy vey! I am not talkin’ spread of germs. Although, I believe I have established that the spreadin’ of germs was rampant throughout their small Jersey home that day. And yes, the Learned Judge Judy would concur.
Forget about the spread of germs. Who cares? Germs, schmerms. Whateva!
I am talkin’ spread of food. Mark and Shelby said, “We have so much food. Go to the kitchen and eat…please… “. True.
In my tribe, food is the best medicine to treat sadness. Although my neighbor Linda, would politely disagree and toss you a Zoloft, a Valium, or a Klonopin and wash it down with a Gin and Tonic. In fact, if times are really tough, take ’em all!
Unbeknownst to most folks, Mark and John (Hillary’s husband) snuck out of the Memorial to buy a 2nd refrigerator to store all the anticipated leftovers. And yes, Hillary would have approved. I wish they asked me to go with them…anything to get out of that small house in Jersey in 102 degree heat.
Where’s the Kitchen
Where was the food located? In the kitchen, like duh?! And where was the kitchen located? In the back of the house.
You had 2 choices to get to the kitchen. You had to first walk through the entry foyer, where you were greeted by people. Then you could either walk through the dining room or living room to get to the kitchen. Certainly, there was no clear path to the kitchen.
Now, on the way to the kitchen, there were a lot of ‘social-pit-stops’. Keep in mind there were a lot of Jewish and Irish folk at this event. A very chatty group of people. There was absolutely no way in hell you could make it to the kitchen before speaking to at least 20 people. I felt COVID ‘safe’ when I spoke to folks who held their mask. Gave a wonderful, false sense of security. Mind you, Judge Judy would call me an ‘arse’.
Good news! I finally made my way to the kitchen. It was like making it to a finish line!
A nice size kitchen for a family of four. A small kitchen for 20 people, who were elbowing each other for food. Again, so wonderful to be crammed into a small space during COVID.
Oh, and by the by. At this point, no one holding their mask in their hand. It was probably shoved in their pocket. Like duh, you need 2 hands to hold a plate and pile on the food.
On the bright side, there was so much food. So many choices! Turkey, Roast Beef, Pastrami Sandwiches, all on Rye Bread. Is there anything better? Then there were spreads of mustard, russian dressing and mayo.
What? You don’t want a sandwich? Oh, you want a bagel. It was a quick sidestep to the bagel area. Remember, this is a small house in Jersey, you can’t land a plane in this kitchen.
Whatever! So many different kinds of bagels: you got your plain, poppy, sesame, everything bagel. Oh, and there were lots of spreads for the bagel. You had your plain, scallion and vegetable cream cheeses; white fish salad; tuna salad; egg salad. Oy, and then you need to add a slice of tomato and onion to your bagel.
But wait…there’s spreads! Gimme the coleslaw, potato salad, macaroni salad and pickles.
Last, but not least, there was the desserts. Oy!
I told you, this was a Super-Spreader Event.
In Memoriam
Hillary was a beautiful human being, who was effervescent. Her zest for love, life, family, and friends was remarkable. She married a wonderful man, John, akin to manna from heaven. John was a package deal: he came with 2 kids, a girl and boy, and they became a family. These were exceptionally happy years.
Hillary was blessed.
Unfortunately, Hillary was taken to soon in life. She succumbed to the same illness as her mother, and grandmother. Although, one could say Hillary was lucky: she made it to age 47. She lived 8 years longer than her mother. But that was still not long enough. We all wanted more.
As her father so eloquently eulogized, ‘her passing does not follow the natural order of things in life’. As we all know, children, even adult children, should never, ever, predecease their parents.
In the last years of her life, she was fearless. And with her shining Knight by her side, anything could be overcome. Or at least she tried.
Hillary was blessed with a stepmother, who raised her as her own daughter. The word ‘stepmother’ was replaced with the word ‘mom’. Hillary’s mom loved her, cared for her, and was by her side to the very end.
Her brother Mark, 14 months her senior, loved her. And her sister, Lauren, adored her. In fact, resembles her.
Hillary’s family was her Village, her light, and endless source of love and energy. They all stood vigil by her bedside; taking turns to make sure Hillary was never alone.
May Hillary live on in our minds and hearts for eternity.
Really? The phrases our society comes up with these days…
Pandemic Life OVER!
I for one, thought COVID was in my rear-view mirror. Or that is what I wanted to believe.
Yeah baby! I began to embrace the new ‘roaring 20’s’ and was makin’ plans! For many months, we have been dining indoors at restaurants (a novel concept), welcoming friends and family inside our home (another novel concept), scheduled a vacation (bought airplane tickets and paid in advance for hotels, and wait for it, got tickets to see the Eagles perform live at Madison Square Garden in NYC in 2 weeks! Imagine that! I know! I just blew your mind!
Delta Variant
Well, the party train is slowin’ down. Shiat! To my dismay, the new ‘Delta’ COVID strain , is spreadin’ like wildfire throughout the good ‘ole U.S. of A., latching on to our fellow peeps who ‘chose’ not to get vaccinated.
Freedom to Choose
Once again, who comes up with these phrases?
When I was in law school, like 100 years ago, the best class (in my esteemed opinion) I took was Constitutional Law. Oh yes! One full year of reading and analyzing the legal cases that were argued before and ultimately decided by the U.S. Supreme Court. I was fascinated by the historical development of case law that culminated in Landmark Decisions rendered by the Court.
Clearly, I was profoundly mesmerized by the U.S. Constitution, which became my legal ‘bible’.
To this day, it is ingrained in my soul that the U.S. Constitution is a masterpiece…drafted by our ‘forefathers’ to be a ‘living, breathing’ document to be interpreted to grow with a young nation. Yes, to grow with an ever-changing society, to afford inalienable rights to ‘We the People’ to flourish.
Let’s just cut to the chase. What does any of this constitutional hyperbole have to do with COVID-19?
News flash Sistahs: During a global pandemic, there is no freedom to choose to take a vaccine. It is not a choice. It is a responsibility to your countrymen and women, your family, friends, and to yourself.
The Global Stage
In my experience as a human being living amongst other humans in a global society, I thought we had a responsibility to each other.
Somewhere along the way, thanks to the invention of ‘social media’, ‘rumors’ evolved into fake news. The mass dissemination of false information, has splintered our society. We no longer ‘love they neighbor’.
The sad part of this tale, is that the people who exercised their self-proclaimed ‘freedom of choice’ to not get the COVID vaccine, are the same people who are suffering the most from COVID now. It pains me to see my fellow countrymen hospitalized and gravely ill with COVID. This scenario is so tragic, because the vaccine would have limited the severity of this virus, prevented the increase in hospitalizations and countless deaths.
Vaccines and Urban Legends
I can understand why anyone could be ‘vaccine hesitant’. However,…is a person’s reluctance to take a lifesaving vaccine premised upon scientific information or urban legends?
COVID-19 Vaccine Urban Legends
1. The Government, or Microsoft, or Aliens have implanted a Computer Chip into each vaccine.
2. The Computer Chip can ‘track’ your movement.
3. The Vaccine can make you magnetic.
4. Yes, Magnetic: I actually saw on television a woman claim she was ‘magnetized’ by the vaccine, as she desperately tried to show how a spoon can attach to her chest.
5. FYI: The Spoon did not attach to her chest. It attached to the ground, because it fell there.
6. On a personal note, I believe my husband implanted a computer chip years ago in my tush; that man knows when I am sneakin’ into TJ Maxx!
COVID-19 Vaccine Scientific Information
1. Yes, COVID Vaccines are ‘New’.
2. Many people are not aware of the extensive global effort put forth to develop COVID Vaccines.
3. Many people do not know that the Pfizer and Moderna mRNA technology has been studied for over 30 years.
4. Many people do not know that the mRNA vaccines will eventually provide new treatments for autoimmune illnesses, because they do not suppress the immune system.
Prior to the availability of the COVID vaccine, I spoke with all my physicians regarding the safety and efficacy of the vaccine.
Girlfriends, I have a lot of physicians. It is hard to believe, but most of them are way smarter than me. Yes, I defer to their medical backgrounds and experience. All my physicians unanimously told me to get the COVID vaccine.
Pandemic NOT OVER!
This freakin’ pandemic is totally not over. I am NOT a happy camper. I do not want to continue to live in this COVID nightmare.
For instance. Yesterday, I was at the local supermarket, and I needed to get a dish detergent — ‘Dawn Power Spray’ (amazing for the cleaning up dishes, pots, pans). When I approached the detergent aisle, I was in shock!
Deja vu! Several shelves were empty! It was COVID II re-boot. I felt light-headed and almost hyper-ventilated in my mask. A grocery employee was in that aisle (less than 6 feet away from me), and I asked, “What happened? Why are the shelves empty?” The employee replied, “Don’t you know… there is a pandemic goin’ on, and there is a shortage of truckers, and supplies”. Oh, thank you. Like I did not know there was a pandemic happenin’.
Oh, and by the way, if you have not noticed when you are inside stores, most if not all the employees and many customers are wearing masks. Again.
Excuse me…are you wondering why peeps are wearin’ masks? According to my physicians, “a mask must be worn indoors to protect the vaccinated from the unvaccinated”.
The New Reality
Clearly, we all will be living with COVID for year years to come. The only way We the People will overcome this pandemic, is to vaccinate. Period, end of story.
