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STAY POSITIVE, TEST NEGATIVE! HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022!

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Happy New Year!

STAY POSITIVE, TEST NEGATIVE! HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022!

Sistahs and Brothas, can you believe it will be 2022? In my COVID induced time warp bubble, I am still stuck in 2019.

Y’all know that I am NOT the only person who feels this way.

Fear not my peeps! We shall prevail in 2022.

In truth, I am full of shiat, and have no idea what 2022 holds.

I am just tryin’ to stay positive. To be clear, to have a positive emotional outlook. I want to always have a negative COVID test!

If I do say so myself, I have become a bit of a self-proclaimed expert in the field of COVID Living. Hmmm…sounds like Gay’s Talkin’ Points for 2022.

I shall share just a few Words of Wisdom to welcome in yet another, COVID New Year.

COVID Living 2022 Tips

  1. Stay calm.
  2. Meditate to Stay Calm.
  3. Take Prozac (or any equivalent) to Stay Calm.
  4. When you leave your ‘inside world,’ your home, take a deep breath. Yes, this means my friend Fran in New York!

Mask-Up!

  1. In the ‘outside world,’ always wear an approved FDA mask/respirator that is an N95, KN95, KF94, 3-ply, no cotton, tight-fitting surgical/non-surgical mask.
  2. Always carry Purell, Alcohol (not vodka)- isopropyl alcohol you idiot, and Clorox/Lysol wipes.
  3. Goggles, gloves and booties are optional.

VAX Card

  1. Currently you must be triple vaccinated to mingle in the outside world.
  2. Always carry your Official/Legitimate/Lawful VAX Card in the outside world.
  3. You must download your State Digital Vaccine APP on your Cell Phone.
  4. Always carry a Photo-ID to verify your identity when you present your VAX CARD/Digital Record.

Crazy Peeps

  1. Understand the COVID outside world is filled with crazy peeps (don’t ya know that!).
  2. In the outside world, do not look at others. Stay focused, keep head down.
  3. Do not judge others in the outside world. This means you Fran, in New York.
  4. If you are in a store and observe a person who ‘dons’ a red baseball cap and does not wear a mask, you must look away! Keep walking straight. Under no circumstances are you to make eye contact.
  5. Carry the Dr. Fauci Bible at all times.
  6. Wear Garlic around your neck in the outside world. The garlic odor, coupled with the Fauci Bible and Surgical Mask will keep crazy people away a minimum distance of six feet.
  7. For people who are sensitive to odors, like my friend Fran in New York, if you do not wear garlic, carry a full size can of Lysol Spray. That should do the trick.

Sneezing

  1. Stay Away from anyone who Sneezes in any indoor spaces in the outside world.
  2. The Sneeze is the new fahrt…a sneeze in an indoor space, will cause a stampede.
  3. And remember…a mask can reduce your chances of getting COVID. For some reason, masks do not conceal a fahrt. Too bad.

Bathroom Etiquette Outside World

  1. Do not touch the door to the bathroom.
  2. Do not touch the door to the stall.
  3. Do not touch the toilet.
  4. Do not sit on the toilet.
  5. Do not touch the lever to flush the toilet.
  6. Do wash your hands with soap and water and sing happy birthday three times.
  7. Do not use ‘hand blow dryer’ – COVID spikes will spread everywhere. Drip-dry hands.
  8. And please, even if you are hyperventilating and can’t breathe while you are following all these ‘Do Not’ instructions while you are peeing, please, please, please, keep your mask on at all times.

Last, but not least, get your COVID Rapid Test Kits and store them in a cool-dry place in your home next to your paper towels and toilet paper! My friend Fran in New York has done this.

I wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year. We can get through this COVID shiat together!

SANTA CLAUS COVID PLAYBOOK 2021

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Merry COVID Christmas!

SANTA CLAUS COVID PLAYBOOK

Oh yeah baby! Santa Claus is comin’ to your COVID Town!

But wait! Don’t get your balls, I mean bells all jiggly just yet!

Santa Almighty

It is true. Santa is brilliant and has a few magical powers tucked away. Ask Mrs. Claus. She hates when Mom’s jump on Santa’s lap to get their Candy Canes.

All jokin’ aside, Santa was ahead of his time by powering up his sleigh with reindeer. A true forward thinker. Even Elon Musk can’t figure out how to pull Santa’s sleigh with Reindeer.

Too bad Santa never figured out how to stop the reindeer from shiattin’ all over the world when they make their Christmas ‘present drops’.

Unfortunately, despite Santa’s enviable characteristics, he is at a high-risk for complications from COVID.

Elf Chat Rooms

To aid in my investigative research on Santa, I have infiltrated Elf Chat Rooms on the internet. Those Elves are such yentas! Oy vey! Do they have the gift of gab!

Word in these chat rooms, is that the Elves, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the Reindeer have been isolating in the North Pole for two years now.

Last year, Due to COVID Lockdowns, they never left the North Pole. However, this year, Santa has proclaimed ‘there will be no Christmas closures due to COVID’. The Elves have been working in the Santa Factory shoulder to shoulder all year building and constructing toys for all the children of the World.

Largest Employer of Elves

The Elves have been working for Santa for generations, and if something were to happen to Santa, they would be on the unemployment line.

Just think for a moment. Santa is the largest and only, employer of Elves. Custom toy making is a lost art. Elves make toys with their little elf hands. This is an extremely time consuming process. If Santa got COVID, who would provide room, board, medical and dental coverage to thousands of elves? You can be sure: NOT CHINA.

Top Doctor

Santa is currently under the care of North Pole renown physician and Elf, Dr. Gerald Jerome (a.k.a “Jerry Jerry”). Just A bit concerning…Jerry Jerry is not the brightest light on the Christmas Tree or Menorah for that matter.

I know, it is very rare that you hear of an elf who becomes a physician. The last thing any Elf parent wants is for their Elf Child to become a Doctor.

Dr. Jerry Jerry hailed from a long line of elves who were master toy makers. Unfortunately, Jerry Jerry built toy airplanes that always crashed.  He was thrown out of the Elf Academy. Keep in mind, very few Elves fail at toy building. His mother and father were plotzing ; they shrieked “who fails out of Elf Academy?”

In fact, his mother cried ‘this is a shonda’ (a Yiddish definition: ‘shameful’).

So, the next best thing was to become a doctor. Oy vey.

Go figure…years later, Dr. Jerry Jerry became the ‘Head Physician’ to Santa Claus.

Santa’s COVID Risk Factors

  1. Kinda Old.
  2. Kinda Heavy.
  3. Borderline Diabetic; Santa sneaks candy when Mrs. Claus not watching.
  4. Smokes a Corn Cob Pipe when Mrs. Claus not watching.

Dr. Jerry Jerry recently held a press conference at the Elf Union Headquarters in the North Pole and confirmed that Santa and Mrs. Claus have been fully vaccinated and received their boosters.

The Elves already knew that. You see, Santa required mandatory COVID vaccines for all Elves. If they did not comply by September 1 of this year, an elf would be thrown out of Santa’s Village on their pointy ear.

Santa’s COVID Protocols

To put the ho ho ho back into Christmas, Santa and his Doctor have established Christmas Protocols.

According to the Elf Chat Rooms, this is going to be a very different Christmas.

Remember, the intent is to keep Santa healthy.

Mask Protocols Outdoors

  1. Santa travels on an ‘open-air’ sled. Santa, Reindeer, and Elves do not have to wear a mask outdoors on the sled.

Vaccination Protocols for Delivering Presents

  1. Santa is only permitted to enter a home and slide down the chimney where every family member is fully vaccinated.
  2. Santa will not slide down your chimney if you are not vaccinated.
  3. Santa knows who is naughty or nice.
  4. Santa knows who is naughty and has a fake VAX Card.
  5. Santa is not petty. He will still leave presents for children whose parents chose not to get vaccinated. Check your back door Christmas morning.

Support Santa

These are tough times for Santa. He is a World traveler. He has never encountered any problems entering a country. Not even a Wall can stop him.

But COVID, this is another story. Santa is not getting any younger. We need to ensure that future generations of children will enjoy the rituals we all love to share.

  1. Please Get Fully Vaccinated.
  2. Please Get your Booster Shots.
  3. Please Wear a Mask.

Oh, and please practice social distancing. Except when you are standing under the mistletoe, are fully vaccinated, got a booster, and had a negative COVID test. Then, by all means, kiss that person!

Merry Christmas!