Feeble Old Man…

The Back Tap!

Oy vey! I need to take a break from writing about  the recent Supreme Court Decisions that have literally been shitted out by the Conservative Justices.

These Justices are not enacting laws. They are re-writing the U.S. Constitution to reflect the edicts of their Messiah, whoever that may be.

It is clear that these Conservative Justices are all suffering from amnesia; they have forgotten their oath of office, and their responsibility to adhere to the legal principles of Stare Decisis  and Precedent.

Time to Switch Gears

And now, a break… Let us switch gears for a moment and talk about our favorite Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. My oh my. What has become of Rudy?

The Back Tap!

I needed a little laughter this week and thank you Rudy for entertaining us all.

As the story goes, which was caught on video, Rudy was campaigning in Staten Island, New York for his son Andrew, who was running for Governor of New York State in the Republican Primary. Andrew did not win the Primary; thank you Lord, something went right this week.

As I was saying… Rudy was campaigning for his son in a supermarket, whereupon a grocery store employee allegedly ‘tapped’ Rudy on the back. Now, I say ‘tapped,’ because that is what it looked like to a reasonable person watching the video that captured this interaction.

So, I was watching the news and Rudy was interviewed to give his ‘side of the story.’ First, I would like to address Rudy’s demeanor. Rudy was very calm, not erratic, totally muted. By the by, this is not Rudy’s public persona. Clearly, it was as though he  were acting, trying to play the role of a feeble old man. In fact, his hair was not dyed brown… no, there was no brown shoe polish running down the side of his face which he previously sported as some new ‘fashion statement’ when he held  a press conference  several months ago in front of the Four Seasons landscaping company that just happened to be adjacent to a sex shop. Not to ramble on, but, how convenient to shop at the sex shop once the press conference was over.

Rather, for the ‘back tap’ interview, the three remaining strands of hair left on his shiny bald crown, were gray.

According to Rudy, “I got hit on the back, as if some boulder hit me.” He didn’t stop there… Rudy said,  “if I wasn’t in better shape, I was lucky he did not knock me down, and hit my skull, and die… or got a concussion or got seriously injured.” Oh wait, there is more. He even implied to the NY Times ‘it’s a miracle I am able to still walk.’  Oh my goodness! What other injuries could this ambulance chaser have concocted?

Hallelujah for Miracles Rudy! He survived the back tap!

If I may, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Rudy made that statement on a television interview. To be clear, if a boulder hit Rudy, yes, it is possible he could have been ‘knocked down.’ But I hate to speculate. I would need to know what kind of boulder; size; weight. If we follow the boulder scenario, would the setting of this incident still be a supermarket in Staten Island? I just don’t know.

I don’t ever recall seeing a boulder in a supermarket. Are we talking about a boulder hitting you in Boulder, Colorado? Would this have occurred outdoors while Rudy would be hiking? Would he be wearing hiking boots? Does Rudy even hike on a trail where there are boulders? Just wonderin.’

Oh, maybe Rudy is using the ‘boulder’ as a metaphor… that the tap on his back by the grocery store employee should be equated to a boulder falling on you? I don’t know. This seems to be a farfetched legal theory. Right?

Let’s not forget that Rudy’s license to practice law  is suspended in New York State. Question: Why is he not disbarred? Just wonderin.’

It is quite possible, if a boulder hit him, and it caused him to be knocked down and hit is skull, would he have sustained serious injury? We would need an expert opinion to determine whether there was anything in his skull that could have sustained any damage.

Note, in some jurisdictions, you take your victim as he comes. In this situation, if an expert deemed Rudy to be damaged goods prior to this incident, and the boulder that knocked him down caused him to hit his skull, die, get a concussion or got seriously injured, well, there just might be liability.

Then there is that but…

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, we must determine whether Rudy also played a role in this incident. One must ask, ‘did he provoke the grocery store worker’ to tap him on the back? Did Rudy misinterpret the back tap as an atta-boy? Did Rudy provoke the grocery store worker by his presence in the store, by merely breathing and speaking? I just don’t know.

Lastly,  we would have to determine ‘what he is worth’ for compensation purposes. Rudy said he was an old man. At this point, we would review actuary tables and jury awards in NYS for people getting hit with boulders in Supermarkets, to determine what an old guy his age is worth. And watching all of his crazy antics over the last several years, probably not much. Don’t forget that press conference he held in the parking lot of the Four Seasons Landscaping Company, that just happened to be adjacent to a sex shop, where the shoe polish was running down his face. Apparently, everyone thought he was supposed to hold a Press Conference at the Four Seasons Hotel, not at the Four Seasons Landscaping Company. To make matters worse, it was in the parking lot of this company.

And you know, I haven’t even mentioned his alleged involvement in the January 6, 2021, attempt to overthrow the U.S. Government.

Just look at this guy’s state of mind. It is possible that his recollection of the events of the back tap do not correspond to the video tape.

I suspect in NYS, no one has ever gone to trial for a ‘back tap;’ received monetary damages for a ‘back tap’;  no one has ever gone to jail for giving someone a ‘back tap;’ and to be clear, it is not a crime to give someone a ‘back tap.’

Better yet, if the boulder hitting Rudy were an ‘Act of God,’ well, shit happens, and there is no liability. You can’t sue mother nature or the Good Lord. As the good book says, some things were just meant to be.

But wait…when I watched the video of this incident, I did not see a boulder hit Rudy. I saw a guy, walk pass Rudy, and literally ‘tap him on the back.’ Did anyone see what the Grocery store employee looked like? He did not resemble Mr. Universe or the Action Figure Thor.

This tap on the back looked more like someone  giving you a pat on your back, like ‘atta boy, way to go.’  A closer examination of the video revealed that Rudy, a  Gladiator (not), barely flinched when the grocery store worker tapped him.

Rudy claims that his assailant was angry about the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and thus hit him on the back. What a great opportunity for Rudy to try to make nothing into something. Now he was spewing shit that ‘crazy pro-choice people will start attacking people.’

The grocery store worker was initially charged with a felony, which was reduced to a misdemeanor. Before we know it, the matter will be reduced to a violation, and disappear.

Poor Rudy. The only injury poor old crazy Rudy sustained was a bruised ego.

Time for Rudy to retreat to his Dracula cave.


My At-Home-COVID Test Results

You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!

As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.

First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.

Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’

Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!

My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.

To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.

The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!


Merry COVID Christmas!


Oh yeah baby! Santa Claus is comin’ to your COVID Town!

But wait! Don’t get your balls, I mean bells all jiggly just yet!

Santa Almighty

It is true. Santa is brilliant and has a few magical powers tucked away. Ask Mrs. Claus. She hates when Mom’s jump on Santa’s lap to get their Candy Canes.

All jokin’ aside, Santa was ahead of his time by powering up his sleigh with reindeer. A true forward thinker. Even Elon Musk can’t figure out how to pull Santa’s sleigh with Reindeer.

Too bad Santa never figured out how to stop the reindeer from shiattin’ all over the world when they make their Christmas ‘present drops’.

Unfortunately, despite Santa’s enviable characteristics, he is at a high-risk for complications from COVID.

Elf Chat Rooms

To aid in my investigative research on Santa, I have infiltrated Elf Chat Rooms on the internet. Those Elves are such yentas! Oy vey! Do they have the gift of gab!

Word in these chat rooms, is that the Elves, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the Reindeer have been isolating in the North Pole for two years now.

Last year, Due to COVID Lockdowns, they never left the North Pole. However, this year, Santa has proclaimed ‘there will be no Christmas closures due to COVID’. The Elves have been working in the Santa Factory shoulder to shoulder all year building and constructing toys for all the children of the World.

Largest Employer of Elves

The Elves have been working for Santa for generations, and if something were to happen to Santa, they would be on the unemployment line.

Just think for a moment. Santa is the largest and only, employer of Elves. Custom toy making is a lost art. Elves make toys with their little elf hands. This is an extremely time consuming process. If Santa got COVID, who would provide room, board, medical and dental coverage to thousands of elves? You can be sure: NOT CHINA.

Top Doctor

Santa is currently under the care of North Pole renown physician and Elf, Dr. Gerald Jerome (a.k.a “Jerry Jerry”). Just A bit concerning…Jerry Jerry is not the brightest light on the Christmas Tree or Menorah for that matter.

I know, it is very rare that you hear of an elf who becomes a physician. The last thing any Elf parent wants is for their Elf Child to become a Doctor.

Dr. Jerry Jerry hailed from a long line of elves who were master toy makers. Unfortunately, Jerry Jerry built toy airplanes that always crashed.  He was thrown out of the Elf Academy. Keep in mind, very few Elves fail at toy building. His mother and father were plotzing ; they shrieked “who fails out of Elf Academy?”

In fact, his mother cried ‘this is a shonda’ (a Yiddish definition: ‘shameful’).

So, the next best thing was to become a doctor. Oy vey.

Go figure…years later, Dr. Jerry Jerry became the ‘Head Physician’ to Santa Claus.

Santa’s COVID Risk Factors

  1. Kinda Old.
  2. Kinda Heavy.
  3. Borderline Diabetic; Santa sneaks candy when Mrs. Claus not watching.
  4. Smokes a Corn Cob Pipe when Mrs. Claus not watching.

Dr. Jerry Jerry recently held a press conference at the Elf Union Headquarters in the North Pole and confirmed that Santa and Mrs. Claus have been fully vaccinated and received their boosters.

The Elves already knew that. You see, Santa required mandatory COVID vaccines for all Elves. If they did not comply by September 1 of this year, an elf would be thrown out of Santa’s Village on their pointy ear.

Santa’s COVID Protocols

To put the ho ho ho back into Christmas, Santa and his Doctor have established Christmas Protocols.

According to the Elf Chat Rooms, this is going to be a very different Christmas.

Remember, the intent is to keep Santa healthy.

Mask Protocols Outdoors

  1. Santa travels on an ‘open-air’ sled. Santa, Reindeer, and Elves do not have to wear a mask outdoors on the sled.

Vaccination Protocols for Delivering Presents

  1. Santa is only permitted to enter a home and slide down the chimney where every family member is fully vaccinated.
  2. Santa will not slide down your chimney if you are not vaccinated.
  3. Santa knows who is naughty or nice.
  4. Santa knows who is naughty and has a fake VAX Card.
  5. Santa is not petty. He will still leave presents for children whose parents chose not to get vaccinated. Check your back door Christmas morning.

Support Santa

These are tough times for Santa. He is a World traveler. He has never encountered any problems entering a country. Not even a Wall can stop him.

But COVID, this is another story. Santa is not getting any younger. We need to ensure that future generations of children will enjoy the rituals we all love to share.

  1. Please Get Fully Vaccinated.
  2. Please Get your Booster Shots.
  3. Please Wear a Mask.

Oh, and please practice social distancing. Except when you are standing under the mistletoe, are fully vaccinated, got a booster, and had a negative COVID test. Then, by all means, kiss that person!

Merry Christmas!