You betcha baby! I am a loud and proud NEGATIVE COVID Person! Hallelujah!
As I read my acceptance speech for being the recipient of this Negative COVID Test, I have several peeps to thank.
First, a few acknowledgements to the manufacturers of the COVID Vaccines and the Paxlovid AntiViral COVID Meds, the At Home COVID Rapid Test Kits, Mucinex DM, AYR Nasal Spray, Puffs Plus Tissues with Aloe, Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, Clorox Wipes, and last butt not least, Huggies Baby Tushy Wipes.
Second, I would to thank my Doctors. Not all of my Docs (I have way too many and would take too long to list), but specifically Gary the Doc who prescribed the Paxlovid, and my Wellness Doc Caroline who told me I ‘would be fine.’
Third, Thanks to my husband Michael for running away from me as soon as I tested positive for COVID. Really, you never saw the guy run so fast. Also, smart to sleep in separate bedrooms during my COVID experience (Lucky for you, because I did not wake you up every time I pee). Lastly, brilliant idea to wear a mask in the house this past week; saved all my super-expensive anti-aging potions and lotions. Michael was brilliant to keep me not ‘arm’s length,’ but rather a ‘football field’ apart, because he did not get COVID. And, he was so considerate of me, because I can’t even imagine what he would have been like if he got COVID. You know men, they are so ‘needy.’ Yuck!
My sons were absolutely terrific. They both recently had COVID, and thus were extremely empathetic when they saw me in my COVID ‘Horror State’ of pale white. Not to mention everyone listen to my coughing/hacking/choking attacks. Grateful my older son can cook, and my younger son was in LA, so I could isolate in his bedroom for a week.
To be clear, even though I experienced a ‘mild’ case of COVID, I still am not at my version of 100% total Gay Capacity . This virus knocked me on my arse for a week. Even total hip replacement surgery did not render me bed ridden.
The good news, is that I am a loud and proud negative person (despite having a positive attitude). I also can go mask-less for the next two months. And no, this is not akin to going bra-less. That would be horrifying! I mean really, thank you Victoria Secret push-up double your size bra!
Oh yeah baby! Santa Claus is comin’ to your COVID Town!
But wait! Don’t get your balls, I mean bells all jiggly just yet!
It is true. Santa is brilliant and has a few magical powers tucked away. Ask Mrs. Claus. She hates when Mom’s jump on Santa’s lap to get their Candy Canes.
All jokin’ aside, Santa was ahead of his time by powering up his sleigh with reindeer. A true forward thinker. Even Elon Musk can’t figure out how to pull Santa’s sleigh with Reindeer.
Too bad Santa never figured out how to stop the reindeer from shiattin’ all over the world when they make their Christmas ‘present drops’.
Unfortunately, despite Santa’s enviable characteristics, he is at a high-risk for complications from COVID.
Elf Chat Rooms
To aid in my investigative research on Santa, I have infiltrated Elf Chat Rooms on the internet. Those Elves are such yentas! Oy vey! Do they have the gift of gab!
Word in these chat rooms, is that the Elves, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the Reindeer have been isolating in the North Pole for two years now.
Last year, Due to COVID Lockdowns, they never left the North Pole. However, this year, Santa has proclaimed ‘there will be no Christmas closures due to COVID’. The Elves have been working in the Santa Factory shoulder to shoulder all year building and constructing toys for all the children of the World.
Largest Employer of Elves
The Elves have been working for Santa for generations, and if something were to happen to Santa, they would be on the unemployment line.
Just think for a moment. Santa is the largest and only, employer of Elves. Custom toy making is a lost art. Elves make toys with their little elf hands. This is an extremely time consuming process. If Santa got COVID, who would provide room, board, medical and dental coverage to thousands of elves? You can be sure: NOT CHINA.
Santa is currently under the care of North Pole renown physician and Elf, Dr. Gerald Jerome (a.k.a “Jerry Jerry”). Just A bit concerning…Jerry Jerry is not the brightest light on the Christmas Tree or Menorah for that matter.
I know, it is very rare that you hear of an elf who becomes a physician. The last thing any Elf parent wants is for their Elf Child to become a Doctor.
Dr. Jerry Jerry hailed from a long line of elves who were master toy makers. Unfortunately, Jerry Jerry built toy airplanes that always crashed. He was thrown out of the Elf Academy. Keep in mind, very few Elves fail at toy building. His mother and father were plotzing ; they shrieked “who fails out of Elf Academy?”
In fact, his mother cried ‘this is a shonda’ (a Yiddish definition: ‘shameful’).
So, the next best thing was to become a doctor. Oy vey.
Go figure…years later, Dr. Jerry Jerry became the ‘Head Physician’ to Santa Claus.
Santa’s COVID Risk Factors
Borderline Diabetic; Santa sneaks candy when Mrs. Claus not watching.
Smokes a Corn Cob Pipe when Mrs. Claus not watching.
Dr. Jerry Jerry recently held a press conference at the Elf Union Headquarters in the North Pole and confirmed that Santa and Mrs. Claus have been fully vaccinated and received their boosters.
The Elves already knew that. You see, Santa required mandatory COVID vaccines for all Elves. If they did not comply by September 1 of this year, an elf would be thrown out of Santa’s Village on their pointy ear.
Santa’s COVID Protocols
To put the ho ho ho back into Christmas, Santa and his Doctor have established Christmas Protocols.
According to the Elf Chat Rooms, this is going to be a very different Christmas.
Remember, the intent is to keep Santa healthy.
Mask Protocols Outdoors
Santa travels on an ‘open-air’ sled. Santa, Reindeer, and Elves do not have to wear a mask outdoors on the sled.
Vaccination Protocols for Delivering Presents
Santa is only permitted to enter a home and slide down the chimney where every family member is fully vaccinated.
Santa will not slide down your chimney if you are not vaccinated.
Santa knows who is naughty or nice.
Santa knows who is naughty and has a fake VAX Card.
Santa is not petty. He will still leave presents for children whose parents chose not to get vaccinated. Check your back door Christmas morning.
These are tough times for Santa. He is a World traveler. He has never encountered any problems entering a country. Not even a Wall can stop him.
But COVID, this is another story. Santa is not getting any younger. We need to ensure that future generations of children will enjoy the rituals we all love to share.
Please Get Fully Vaccinated.
Please Get your Booster Shots.
Please Wear a Mask.
Oh, and please practice social distancing. Except when you are standing under the mistletoe, are fully vaccinated, got a booster, and had a negative COVID test. Then, by all means, kiss that person!