I do declare that COVID has gone viral!
Like duh! Yes, indeed, that genius pun came to me last night as I was
sippin’ a fine libation.
The things I think of. Oy. I know, pure genius. So, blessed. Not easy
Love Thy Neighbor
Yes…no. Love thy whaaaat?
Word on the street, is that the COVID family has moved to my neighborhood.
Sistahs, as it says in the good book, ‘love thy neighbor’. Amen.
Well, sometimes you can. Not all the time. I don’t love thy neighbors who
are loud at night, don’t spray for ticks, cut their lawns on Saturday mornings
and use their goddamn blowers for hours. At this point, it does not matter if
they don’t even say hello to me. Or, for that matter, acknowledge my existence.
Oy… But those COVIDS. That’s a whole ‘notha story. And no… I do not love,
nor do I want, them as my neighbor.
Why do you ask? I have heard rumors about them. Like OMG!
In truth, I have no idea if they bought a home or are just renting. You
know, peeps here in the Hamptons are so damn ‘private’.
As of this writing, the COVIDS are ensconced in their McMansion that is akin
to a fortress. 40 foot hedges and a driveway gate afford them privacy, not to
Who knows if the COVIDS plan to stay here permanently?
The Yentas (Yiddish for chatty peeps) in the neighborhood, have heard the
COVIDS are part of a cult, and may just be in our neighborhood for a few weeks.
They just don’t know.
Apparently, the COVIDS want to spread the gospel. You know, the
good word that hails from the good book they preach every day, all day,
anywhere, everywhere up close and in yo’ face!
Who are the COVIDS?
Well… I personally never met the COVIDS, although my neighbor, Linda, says
they are terrible people. Linda reads a lot of news, including but not limited
to People, Star and US Magazine, and she told me the COVID family are not nice.
Linda just knows ‘things’.
Linda knows a lot about psychology, and she said ‘all the COVIDS, including
their kids, are psychopaths and narcissists’. Oy vey, talk about a one-two punch!
With the COVIDS, it’s always about ‘me, me, me’. They want all the attention.
The COVIDS literally suck all the air out of a room.
Origins of COVIDS
Many Hampton peeps are captivated by the COVIDS. Why, I have no idea. The
COVIDS are in fact a mystery to most. Perhaps this is why the rich and famous
find the COVIDS so alluring. Where are the COVIDS from? What was the origins of
their wealth? Why is their gospel so contagious? Why do rumors about the COVIDS
Apparently, the COVIDS love get-togethers. They host large parties inside
their home — they are known to ‘pack people in’. The COVIDS claim the ‘more the
merrier’, although I question their real motive.
Guests have complained it is very difficult to breath inside the COVID’S
McMansion; apparently it is so ‘stuffy’ inside. The COVIDS refuse to open a
window to let fresh air in the house. Apparently, ‘they like it that way’!
Now, my neighbor Linda, also told me that when the COVIDS have large gatherings,
for some strange reason, someone always faints or gets really sick. I have
gatherings, and no one faints or gets really sick.
Linda said she ‘peered through the hedges, and saw an ambulance show up at
their house during one of these so-called ‘gatherings’. So odd. Right? I don’t
recall ever having an ambulance show up at my house.
What is even more concerning, is that Linda says within days after these
events at their home, the COVID family gets larger. Yes, they multiply. At an
Everywhere you turn there is another COVID.
How can that be? They obviously do not practice ‘safe sex’. Wear a mask
buddy… oh wait… I meant condom.
Never Met a COVID!
I for one, never met a COVID. But rumor has it, they are dirty people. They
are not clean. Can you imagine? I hear they do not wash their hands, at least
not to the tune of Happy Birthday for 18 seconds.
In fact, when they move into a neighborhood, they bring their garbage with
them. Did you ever hear of such a thing? I for one, have not.
The nerve of them. I mean I have to pay to have my garbage picked up. They
apparently leave it all over their house.
Clearly, they do not care that they spread germs. My neighbor Linda heard
that the COVIDS do not even have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Purell in their
house. Not even tushy baby wipes!
OMG! I ask you… Who does not have Clorox Wipes, Lysol Spray and Tushy wipes
in their house in this day and age? Really?
The COVIDS are shameless people. I have real concerns. They might just show
up at my front door one day, unannounced of course, to simply ‘introduce
themselves’. Ugh. And on top of it, I am sure they will want to invade my
personal space, and stand less than 6 feet apart from me, want to shake my hand
and greet me with a hug and a kiss. Totally gross.
I assume the COVIDS will then push their way into my house, so they can
spread their gospel. They are insidious! They just want everyone to be a member
of their cult.
Like don’t they know this is the Hamptons? On second thought… everyone here
is a follower. Never mind.
Not In My Back Yard! I am doing everything in my power to make the COVIDS
move away. Like to another planet.
I must confess. I too am a member of a cult. I am a DAF. That is the
abbreviation for the Dr. Anthony Fauci cult. He is my spiritual leader. In our
daily prayer group zoom meetings, Dr. Fauci has told us about the COVIDS.
Fauci says, ‘Beware of the COVIDS; they do not have altruistic motives. They
proselytize to exponentially grow their cult’.
Our leader has advised us to stay away from the COVIDS. The DAF spiritual
teachings make us adhere to a daily protocol to keep the COVIDS out of our home
1. Wear a Mask.
2. Get Vaccinated.
3. Get a Booster Shot.
4. Wash your Hands.
5. Do not attend larger indoor parties with strangers.
This protocol is not too difficult to follow. However, for some it can be.
Since we live in the land of the free, some folks don’t want to wear a mask,
or get a vaccine. Okay, I get it. Some folks choose instead to drink Clorox or
get a prescription for a horse de-worming drug. Seems a bit drastic to me, but
I guess it works for some people. Whateva’ floats your boat, or de-worms your
On second thought, could be a good remedy for chronic constipation. I wonder
why my Doctor never prescribed this treatment?
End of Summer
The good news for the Hamptons, is that it is the end of the summer, and the
parties are over. People are closing up their summer homes, going back to work,
and kids are returning to school. I suppose the COVIDS will just pack up and
find another place to spread their charm and gospel. At least the Hamptons can
breathe a sigh of relief.
I just wonder…where will the COVIDS turn up next? Or are they already living
right next door to you?