I am a victim of ‘Shrinkflation’.
According to Investopedia, “…Shrinkflation is the reduction in the size of a product in response to rising production costs or market competition. Rather than increase the price of a product, the company simply offers a smaller package for the same sticker price.”
And by the by, not only is the package smaller, but the price increased.
Gay’s definition of Shrinkflation: Pay more for less. Such a deal! NOT!
Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll
About a month ago, I purchased at our local Super Market King Kullen, The Charmin Mega Roll. This was not one roll, but a humongous package of 18 rolls. Definitely more toilet paper sheets than even I could go through in 3 days.
FYI, I have been buying Charmin for years…LOVE IT! I know, to love toilet paper. What can I say. One of the few pleasures in life.
A few days ago I had to replenish my supply of toilet paper. To be clear, I did not use all the paper, don’t blame me. We had a lot of guests visit, and quite frankly, it is shocking how much toilet paper people go through. And I thought I was bad! What a relief that I am not the sole reason for the destruction of the Amazon forest.
Let’s set the scene: I am cruising down the Supermarket toilet paper aisle with my shopping cart, looking for my beloved Charmin Mega Roll. And then, my eyes gazed upon a Charmin Mega Roll package of toilet paper that was sitting on a shelf… I was in heaven! Sadly, to my chagrin, it was noticeably smaller and lighter than what I am accustomed to purchase. Back in the day, like a month ago, I needed a forklift to pick up my usual package of Charmin Mega Roll (kidding).
How dare Charmin do this to their followers! This oughta be a crime! Sadly, this does not even rise to the level of a parking ticket violation.
Who do I call to file a complaint? The head of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell? He talks about inflation all the time. I am sure he has first-hand knowledge of this scandal. You can be sure he’s been in the bathroom and reached for a roll of toilet paper…he’s just like us. Was the last person who used his bathroom kind enough to leave a sheet or two dangling from the carboard cylinder? Did they leave no toilet paper, because the rolls are too small? Did they run out of toilet paper at his house too? Was he pissed off? (no pun intended).
The Ad says: Never Run Out!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit ‘A’, a roll of Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper Super Mega Roll. Charmin advertises “…1 Super Mega Roll = 6 Regular Rolls* so you never run out (*based on number of sheets in Charmin Regular Roll bath tissue)”.
Charmin also advertises that their Super Mega Roll is “…2X more absorbent so you can use less and rolls last you longer vs. the leading USA 1-ply bargain brand.”
Fascinating, right? So this means, we can use less toilet paper because Charmin is more absorbent. Tell it to the Judge, which is your derriere. In fact, Charmin states “…Holds up so your hands and behind keep clean while you go”. I promise you; I did not write this advertising spiel.
I realize this is “TMI”: ‘Too Much Information’ for you all to absorb (no pun intended, thank you Charmin!).
As a matter of fact, Charmin is now hawking a new product called their ‘Forever Roll”. Really? Who do they think they are shiatting? (no pun intended).
I kid you not. Charmin says you can “…Go up to One Month before changing your roll*.” Oy vey Charmin! You are making me pee in my pants just laughing. Hold on, I gotta grab some toilet paper!
Charmin does have a caveat: The Forever Roll goes up to one month, “…BASED on 2 person household that typically uses one roll per month”. Excuse me, but I have no idea where Charmin got that information from. Was this from a survey of Martians on Mars? Do Martians even use a bathroom?
Did Charmin survey a family with children? Have you ever seen kids go through toilet paper? They put me to shame!
As an environmentally conscious pe-er, I do not apply unlimited amounts of toilet paper to my derriere. A roll only last for a few days. Nothing lasts forever…relationships, gift cards and toilet paper.
The reality is the toilet paper did not shrink in size; it is disappearing. Before we know it, a Pez Dispenser will be spitting out teeny tiny pellets of toilet paper. Oh Shit!
4 thoughts on “Honey, Who Shrunk the Toilet Paper?”
Your writing really sparkles in this one!
Omg I’m loving this one!
I am so glad! Thanks Tracy!