An Evening Summer Hamptons Beach Walk!

Hamptons Beach

The Hamptons. As the sun sets to a perfect summer day, there is nothing better than taking a walk at the beach along the shoreline.

In truth, I believe the Hamptons beaches are truly magical. Indeed. Perhaps that is why people flock to the Hamptons like ants at a picnic. Sure! Peeps who flee the summer sweltering heat of NYC, the smell of roastin’ garbage, and boilin’ asphalt, crave the natural habitat of the hamptons.

Yes ma’m. The Hamptons are explodin’ with NYC peeps who want to be ‘one with nature’. They love to stop and smell the roses that are a bloomin’; watch the annual return of the monarch butterflies; observe the Ospreys who are nurting their babies in their nests on the dedicated nesting poles that hover above the Hamptons; or simply tend to their vegetable gardens that thrive in the naturally nutrient rich soil.

Really? Do ya think all the city peeps come for the nature? Hell No!

They come to party! But… we are talkin’ about beaches. Save city folk stories for another day!

The Evening Beach Walk

I raised my kids in the Hamptons. In the summer, we love to walk along the beach at night. When very few people are there. It is quiet. In fact, peaceful.

Celebrity Alert!

A few nights ago, after dinner, I took that beach walk with my hubby, my neighbor Linda and her dog, Bella (a 12 pound ‘Pomsky’). And yes, my dog Latte, aka ‘The Queen’, a small, white Havanese. Dogs are allowed on the beach after 5pm.

As I live and breathe, we came upon a local Celeb. You betcha baby! Of course, my hubby and Linda were totally oblivious. What NOT a surprise!

I recognize this person like ‘a mile away’ — our kids went to school together in the Hamptons. I know, totally cool! Right?

Let’s set the scene:

As we get closer, our two entourages meet. You know my non-famous nobody group. Who has she got along for the walk? OMG, like her pseudo-famous daughter and her fiancé, and their cute little dog.


If you know me, and you should by now, I swoop in for the ‘hello’!

You betcha! I stop walkin’. No, I do not jump in front of the celeb, so she stops walkin’. Don’t be silly. I am not that desperate!

I said ‘hi’. Then I say, ‘I know, you don’t remember me, but our kids went to school together’. And by the by, my older son said, “Mom, you do this every time you see her”.

But really, she never remembers me. Her response, ever so polite, is, “Oh yes! Hi!”. Wouldn’t that be nice, if it weren’t BULLSHIAT! Whatever. And by the by, her kids are great.

Anyways, I ask her how her kids are doing, blah, blah, blah, she asks about mine, blah, blah, blah, and we parted ways.

Natural Beauty

To be clear, my nobody entourage are all walkin’ in tee shirts and shorts. No make-up, hair a mess. I may even have a stain or two on my clothes from eatin’ and cookin’.

The Celeb and her daughter, however, were a totally different vision. Like OMG! They wore sun dresses, make-up, even lipstick. Picture perfect.

I shan’t identify the celeb, however, my friend Linda thought she did not look like anything in her photos or tv appearances. I actually thought she looked great. Really. And she is O-L-D. Let me clarify, she is in her 60’s, while I am clinging onto my 50’s for dear life.

She publicly professes her aging is natural, and never had cosmetic surgery. Sistah, if that be true, then I’ll have what you be drinkin’.

I have the best dermatologists on both coasts. I even have a wellness doctor who loads me up on a daily ritual of concoctions of vitamins, minerals, collagen powder, and hormones in an attempt to beat back aging.

Despite my valiant efforts, and I am younger than that sistah Celeb, she is really a hot mama. Kudos to her.

Catch Ya’ on Return Trip!

As luck would have it for me, I got to see this hot mama goddess again on the return walk home.

And this time, she stopped, asked whether my older son was home now. Why, I have no idea.

Go figure.

Can we be friends now?

To be continued…

RED HOT MAMA: Oscar Showtime!

Red Hot Mama

Red Hot Mama Ready

You ought to know me by now… that is not a photograph of me. My hair is a touch darker.

The diamonds are glistening! My hair is coiffed! My legs are shaved! Ready for the Oscars!

The moment we all have been waiting for… the Red Carpet. Well not everyone. Word on the street in Los Angeles is that television ratings will be shiat. Who picked the venue to be a train station? Not me!

Whatever! As you know, I have been practicing for weeks. It is a real biatch walking in 4-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos. Several times I slid across the floor and suffered a few non-life-threatening injuries.

The Red Carpet Pose

The Pose is critical on the red carpet. Who knew? They did not teach that in law school.

However, a savvy trial attorney knows a thing or two about appearance. The key is to exude confidence; stand tall, hands on hips, and stare at your opponent with a fiery gaze. You know, the smart, assertive, biatch stare. Knocks the ball out of the park every time!

How to Walk a Red Carpet

Apparently, there is a protocol for walking a red carpet. Go figure. See, celebs do not have it so easy. First of all, I need a ‘handler’. Someone to ‘guide me’ through the process. Just to be clear, no one has ever ‘handled’ me. Keep your damn paws off me!

Timing is Everything

1. Red Carpets are not diners, they are not opened all night. They are only opened BEFORE the event. Show up on time!

2. The Red Carpet must be smooth! Watch out for a buckle in the carpet! A girl could go soaring in the air if you hit that buckle. Yes, that has happened to me.

3. Walk down the carpet when it is your turn! No bunching of celebs on the carpet allowed! Only one star, one inflated ego at a time allowed!

Red Carpet Interview

Oh, my dear lord. As if all of this prep is not enough, you have to be ready for rapid fire questions on live tv.

Chitty chat questions will be asked, such as:

1. What brings you here today?

2. What award are you up for?

3. What is your next project?

The Stage is Set

A few more hours and it is show time. We are ready for the Virtual Oscars!

The Red Carpet is rolled out; the camera crew is in place! My friend Faith will be interviewing me; Kristin, Oliver, Franz, Sabrina, Kelly, David, Lauren, Jack, Isabel and Emma will be my fan base cheering me on!

My husband Michael will be sitting next to me on the couch, simply bursting at the seams if I win!

Oh, and my younger sister Lori will facetime with me. She lives in Jersey (too bad for her). What is amazing, is that I look like the younger sister now. Lucky me!

And by the way, you never asked what award I am up for. I will tell you. Best Actress in a Motion Picture: Lockdown in the Hamptons 2020. It is a dramedy.

Stay tuned… I am working on my speech in the event I win.