Red Hot Mama Ready
You ought to know me by now… that is not a photograph of me. My hair is a touch darker.
The diamonds are glistening! My hair is coiffed! My legs are shaved! Ready for the Oscars!
The moment we all have been waiting for… the Red Carpet. Well not everyone. Word on the street in Los Angeles is that television ratings will be shiat. Who picked the venue to be a train station? Not me!
Whatever! As you know, I have been practicing for weeks. It is a real biatch walking in 4-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos. Several times I slid across the floor and suffered a few non-life-threatening injuries.
The Red Carpet Pose
The Pose is critical on the red carpet. Who knew? They did not teach that in law school.
However, a savvy trial attorney knows a thing or two about appearance. The key is to exude confidence; stand tall, hands on hips, and stare at your opponent with a fiery gaze. You know, the smart, assertive, biatch stare. Knocks the ball out of the park every time!
How to Walk a Red Carpet
Apparently, there is a protocol for walking a red carpet. Go figure. See, celebs do not have it so easy. First of all, I need a ‘handler’. Someone to ‘guide me’ through the process. Just to be clear, no one has ever ‘handled’ me. Keep your damn paws off me!
Timing is Everything
1. Red Carpets are not diners, they are not opened all night. They are only opened BEFORE the event. Show up on time!
2. The Red Carpet must be smooth! Watch out for a buckle in the carpet! A girl could go soaring in the air if you hit that buckle. Yes, that has happened to me.
3. Walk down the carpet when it is your turn! No bunching of celebs on the carpet allowed! Only one star, one inflated ego at a time allowed!
Red Carpet Interview
Oh, my dear lord. As if all of this prep is not enough, you have to be ready for rapid fire questions on live tv.
Chitty chat questions will be asked, such as:
1. What brings you here today?
2. What award are you up for?
3. What is your next project?
The Stage is Set
A few more hours and it is show time. We are ready for the Virtual Oscars!
The Red Carpet is rolled out; the camera crew is in place! My friend Faith will be interviewing me; Kristin, Oliver, Franz, Sabrina, Kelly, David, Lauren, Jack, Isabel and Emma will be my fan base cheering me on!
My husband Michael will be sitting next to me on the couch, simply bursting at the seams if I win!
Oh, and my younger sister Lori will facetime with me. She lives in Jersey (too bad for her). What is amazing, is that I look like the younger sister now. Lucky me!
And by the way, you never asked what award I am up for. I will tell you. Best Actress in a Motion Picture: Lockdown in the Hamptons 2020. It is a dramedy.
Stay tuned… I am working on my speech in the event I win.