HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO GAY!

Hello my girlfriends! A shout out to all of us on this blessed Mother’s Day!

And so, what! Is Mother’s Day any different than a Tuesday?

Hell NO!

Is Mother really celebrated?

Hell NO!

Is Mother truly appreciated?

Hell NO!

For the child who was potty trained at 2.5 years: Did you know that yo’ mama changed your shiatty/peepee diapers approximately 7,304 times? What about the stubborn child who refused to potty train until they were 4 years old, and had approximately 11,680 diapers changed?

Hell NO!

Where is the love? Who makes me my coffee on Mother’s Day? Nespresso!

Who does the laundry on Mother’s Day? The Village Idiot, a.k.a. Mama!

For the love of yo’ mama, do y’all remember COVID lockdown? Does Gay’s Diner, opened 24/7, served over 5,323 meals ring a bell?

Hell NO!

Whew! I am glad I got that off my chest!

To be clear, I love being mom. Not just to my kids, but to all the kids I have pseudo-adopted throughout the years. The more the merrier.

In earnest, I have tried to create a home environment where all my kids can thrive and simply be loved.

On this day, holiest of all mama days, I think of my friend Vicki who left us and her kids way too soon almost seven years ago. A wise mama, who had a beautiful smile and huge heart.

We had a mama understanding: I could yell at her kids; she could yell at mine. Very fair, right? No hard feelings.

To this day, I still tell her kids what to do. But it is ok. Because we love each other and keep the memory of their mama alive in our hearts, minds and souls.

So today, I get to share the day with all my kids, my sister, my niece, a daughter in-law, grandkids, husband, and stepfather. Oh, and yes, I still have my mama — that old broad that still drives us all crazy.

Lucky me and cheers to a very Happy Mother’s Day!

PS- no one has kissed the ground I walk on yet!

THE DUKE UNIVERSITY GRADUATION!

Cheers!

My fans have all been wondering… Where’s Gay?

Celebratin’ Baby!

You betcha! My youngest son just graduated from Duke University! I know, so proud of him! My husband and I are kvelling!

A wonderful COVID in-person graduation, that almost did not happen. First the graduation was ‘on’, then it was ‘cancelled’, then it was back ‘on’ again for students only.

Oh me, oh my! Can you imagine the uproar among students and parents? After surviving a rigorous four year Duke education, with a pandemic thrown in for good measure, how could you NOT invite two guests? My son was right: it would be so sad to graduate alone, without parents, guardians or mentors.

Just imagine the uproar this caused! Students, parents, grandparents, and siblings were biatchin’ and moanin’ and petitioned the President of the University to include guests to this revised graduation.

And guess what? Students were permitted to invite two guests to attend the graduation.

Planes (no trains), Automobiles, Car Services, Rental Cars

Oy vey! Graduation back on! But wait! The graduation was now scheduled for a different day! Oh Shiat! When the graduation was cancelled, we immediately cancelled the hotel room(s) at the swanky hotel on campus, the plane tickets and the rental car. That was big bucks baby!

But the aggravation of it all was painful. Plane tickets purchased. Plane tickets cancelled. Plane tickets purchased again. Hotel rooms were cancelled; no hotel rooms available to re-book for the new graduation date.

Oh… and yes, and we could not even get a dinner reservation! A real travesty!

Reality Set In

But wait! Did we forget…the Pandemic?

Can you imagine? Remember those pre-COVID days? You know, when people attended events in-person, and shook hands, hugged and shared a kiss? Well, thank you President Vincent Price (yes, his name)! Duke gave the Class of 2021 a graduation with all the regalia that typically accompanies a graduation. Woo hoo!

However, 2020 was not an ordinary year. I noticed when we were walking to the stadium, there was a ‘silence’ in the air. Where was the excitement? It seems over the past fourteen months, people forgot how to be in the presence of others at a celebratory event.

If you know Gay, there would be silence no more! As we walked to a football stadium (think about this — walking to a football stadium where people can be a little tipsy, happy, and LOUD), I started clapping my hands and cheering on the parents and grads.

And why not! Of course, my husband was running away from me… I was making a scene at Duke! True, I was loud. Again, if you know me, I am loud and proud!

My response: Oh Pa-leeze! Everyone needed snap out of the pandemic stupor. And lo and behold, people were smiling, and talking and cheering!

Main Event

President Price welcomed all attendees to the annual event, which he acknowledged was no longer annual due to COVID. Oy. Here we go again. All I could think about was how the Class of 2020 could not, did not have a graduation. Wow. We were really lucky that Duke ‘gave’ the grads a proper send-off. Bravo.

Commencement speakers acknowledged the COVID elephant in the football stadium and echoed heartfelt emotion for all that we collectively lost in 2020: loved ones, socialization, and person to person contact.

John Legend was the commencement speaker, who’s words of wisdom were breathtaking, refreshing, and inspiring. A brilliant man, who eloquently spoke of social and racial inequities, and described how he seeks to effectuate change by being part of the solution, not part of the problem.

And… he even serenaded the audience ! Pinch me! Like OMG! In truth, he felt the same way. The last time he addressed a live audience was over fourteen months ago. We all shared a collective sigh of relief and a smile.

The Duke graduation gave everyone a renewed sense of optimism for a new normal and a brighter future. Thank you.

No Mo’ Educatin’ Kids!

Hallelujah! We not only saw the light at the end of the tunnel but sprinted past the educatin’ yo’ childrin’ finish line! No mo’ yellin’ for kids to do homework, study for tests, apply to college!

We did it! With a huge sigh of relief, the twenty-five plus years of torture we spent as parents educating our sons was thankfully in our rearview mirror. That is… the rearview mirror of my son’s Prius!

Wavin’ Adios!

My husband Michael bid a fond farewell to Duke, Durham, North Carolina, my son Ben and I. Smart man; he flew back to NY immediately after the graduation.

As for me, the mom clock was still running. As always, I drew the short end of the stick and had to pack up my baby’s apartment. In a year and a half, I moved that kid out of a college dorm room, into a studio apartment, then into a two bedroom apartment, only to finally move him out on Sunday. Keep in mind that he barely lived in these apartments because Campus was closed due to COVID.

Yes, it was an absolute pleasure to pay monthly rent on a college apartment that no one lived in!

Farewell Duke!

We packed up the Prius, which was filled to capacity. Lucky for us that I carved out a small peep hole to look out the rearview mirror. My son and I bid adieu to Duke on Monday morning and embarked on a ten hour car ride to New York. That is a lot of verses to 99 bottles of beer on the wall! Truly a bittersweet goodbye.

Cheers to Gay!

Hell yes! I got two kids accepted to Duke, now what? Time for moi! Party time!

What to do now?

To be continued…

RED HOT MAMA: Oscar Showtime!

Red Hot Mama

Red Hot Mama Ready

You ought to know me by now… that is not a photograph of me. My hair is a touch darker.

The diamonds are glistening! My hair is coiffed! My legs are shaved! Ready for the Oscars!

The moment we all have been waiting for… the Red Carpet. Well not everyone. Word on the street in Los Angeles is that television ratings will be shiat. Who picked the venue to be a train station? Not me!

Whatever! As you know, I have been practicing for weeks. It is a real biatch walking in 4-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos. Several times I slid across the floor and suffered a few non-life-threatening injuries.

The Red Carpet Pose

The Pose is critical on the red carpet. Who knew? They did not teach that in law school.

However, a savvy trial attorney knows a thing or two about appearance. The key is to exude confidence; stand tall, hands on hips, and stare at your opponent with a fiery gaze. You know, the smart, assertive, biatch stare. Knocks the ball out of the park every time!

How to Walk a Red Carpet

Apparently, there is a protocol for walking a red carpet. Go figure. See, celebs do not have it so easy. First of all, I need a ‘handler’. Someone to ‘guide me’ through the process. Just to be clear, no one has ever ‘handled’ me. Keep your damn paws off me!

Timing is Everything

1. Red Carpets are not diners, they are not opened all night. They are only opened BEFORE the event. Show up on time!

2. The Red Carpet must be smooth! Watch out for a buckle in the carpet! A girl could go soaring in the air if you hit that buckle. Yes, that has happened to me.

3. Walk down the carpet when it is your turn! No bunching of celebs on the carpet allowed! Only one star, one inflated ego at a time allowed!

Red Carpet Interview

Oh, my dear lord. As if all of this prep is not enough, you have to be ready for rapid fire questions on live tv.

Chitty chat questions will be asked, such as:

1. What brings you here today?

2. What award are you up for?

3. What is your next project?

The Stage is Set

A few more hours and it is show time. We are ready for the Virtual Oscars!

The Red Carpet is rolled out; the camera crew is in place! My friend Faith will be interviewing me; Kristin, Oliver, Franz, Sabrina, Kelly, David, Lauren, Jack, Isabel and Emma will be my fan base cheering me on!

My husband Michael will be sitting next to me on the couch, simply bursting at the seams if I win!

Oh, and my younger sister Lori will facetime with me. She lives in Jersey (too bad for her). What is amazing, is that I look like the younger sister now. Lucky me!

And by the way, you never asked what award I am up for. I will tell you. Best Actress in a Motion Picture: Lockdown in the Hamptons 2020. It is a dramedy.

Stay tuned… I am working on my speech in the event I win.

RED HOT MAMA: PRE-OSCAR SPAGO DINING!

Red Hot Mama in the House

Girlfriends, this is what y’all call a grand entrance to Spago Beverly Hills for dinner.

Like OMG! Oscar weekend has arrived!

And no! That is not me in the photograph! I mean really, I do not have blonde hair…

Wolfgang’s House

You betcha baby! I’m pullin’ all the stops out to get a good table at Wolfgang’s House. What? Don’t you know Wolfgang Puck? Everybody knows him. I have seen him on TV! He IS Spago! Duh!

The Reservation

As I was sayin’… do you know how hard it is to get a table at Spago? For a nobody like me, it is a dice roll. I would have a better chance getting accepted to Harvard.

See, now if I were a ‘somebody’ with 10,000 likes on Instagram, or if had a publicist, like Caryn Leeds, then I could easily get a reservation. Alas, I am a nobody, and it takes sweat, tears, and lots of begging to get a table.

I did it! I grabbed the 7:15pm dinner time slot! Pure luck. Must have been a cancellation.

Table Request

Excuse me girlfriends, but I am a total snob. I am the Red Hot Mama, and I have specific requests even prior to reaching the restaurant.

This mama wants to know where she and her posse will be seated at the restaurant. You got it! What table you givin’ me? I want to see and be seen!

Due to COVID, Spago constructed an outdoor tent. Mind you, this is not a pup tent for camping. This is similar to the kind of million-dollar tent that hosts weddings and Bar Mitzvahs in the Hamptons. It’s a tent, but like a house, but called a tent to satisfy COVID dining rules.

Spago does have limited indoor seating in a spectacular courtyard setting. I think this is where the pretty, famous people get seated. Hot Mama wants to sit inside. Duh.

The Lure of Indoor Dining

The last time I went to Spago, they gave me a table not only in the tent, but the back of the tent where the sun was shining on the table like a spotlight. In truth, more like a laser beam searing a hole through the table. To make matters worse, we were the only people in the tent. Oh, and we had to ask our waiter to give us a new table. This required an in-person conference with the hostess, to determine where she would relocate our party. Keep in mind this was the 5:15pm seating.

RESPECT

I have clearly established I am a nobody. BUT I am the Red Hot Mama! I want to be treated like an A-lister. Ok, maybe a C-lister, just get me on that list so I can get a table inside the restaurant!

Peace out my friends. I need to make a few calls now to find people to carry me on their shoulders!

To be continued…

RED HOT MAMA : OSCAR MIRACLE!

Hallelujah!

Who needs friends when you have those anti-aging injectables!

A Blessed Miracle

Praise My dermatologist. Bless her heart. My savior.

I love going to her office. I shut my phone off, and just focus on me. It is wonderful. An office filled only with women — what a world. C

Who knew a dermatologist offers a menu of services. It’s like going to a diner! So much to choose from, so little time, and so expensive!

Apparently, the ‘new’ look is called the ‘natural look’.

You betcha girlfriends! The ‘plastic’ look is out!

My menu choices for today could be Botox, fillers, lasers, lipo, thermage and…saving the best for last… vaginal rejuvenation.

Mind you, I opted only for fillers on my face. That’s enough thank you very much.

COVID and Anti-aging

We all know this past year has been such a drag. The never-ending pandemic.

However, what I gleaned from the lost year of 2020, is that wearing a mask is the #1 answer to anti-aging. Everybody biatches and moans about masks, but no one ever considers the benefits!

Forget about COVID, if you can. The mask hides our faces! A miracle of all miracles! I did not touch my face for a year!! Well… just a teensy-weensy bit of Botox for my forehead.

Too bad no one thought of creating the COVID Head bag. OMG! We could have totally stopped all coloring and cutting of hair throughout the pandemic. Not to mention not worrying about forehead lines and crow’s feet.

Post-Op

Woke up this morning (a blessing in and of itself), and no bruising after a morning at the Dermatologist! My prayers were answered, those lines are fading away. See you in 6 months!

The GODdess Tracy Anderson

I texted the GODdess yesterday… did she respond?

You betcha girlfriends! A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Let’s face it. I have been working out with the GODdess like forever. The results speak for themselves. Hello Oscar!

Catwalk Practice

Today I rehearse the catwalk strut in my 4″ Jimmy Choo Stilettos. The galley kitchen is my runway! So exciting! The key is to practice early, before my feet are too swollen to actually fit in the heels. Not easy being dainty!

I need to vacuum and wash the floor first. I previously informed y’all I am a total klutz. With my luck, I will trip on a piece of my dog Latte’s kibble, and slide across the catwalk into her bowl of water. Oy vey!

Stay tuned… So much to do, so little time!

RED HOT MAMA : ILLUSION OF PERFECTION

Flawless!

Incredible. Flawless. A red-hot dress in the shape of a red hot heart. The epitome of L O V E.

Welcome to the illusion of perfection! LA LA LAND!

Reality Check

True, this town is picture perfect. In fact, many times, life can be seemingly perfect in this town. Statuesque palm trees and models glistening in the effervescent sunshine. Iconic symbols such as Rodeo Drive and the Hollywood sign perpetually reinforce the perception of perfection.

So, what more could this Red Hot Mama Want?

In the midst of me primping for the Oscars, I learned my BFF’s cancer has returned. The world stopped once again for all of us.

Round 3.

I am simply at a loss for words.

Life is NOT Fair

Life is not fair. Courageous. Strong. Fearless. Kind. Loving. Just a few qualities to describe my BFF. Simply a wonderful human being.

We are both the same age; grew up not far from each other; she has a beautiful husband, children, family; we share the same values. However, she has cancer, and I do not.

Cancer, my friends, is the absolute life game changer.

Looking for the Laughter

Writing has always been the vehicle for me to cope with life’s curveballs. I love to poke fun at myself and accentuate my flaws. Aging, menopause, gray hair, wrinkles, disintegrating teeth, and a weak bladder are all life’s potholes. But not cancer.

It is hard for me to laugh today. But this is not about me, it is about my BFF, the person who fills my life with love and friendship.

I am taking a day off from my Oscar preparation.

And the Oscar goes to…her.

RED HOT MAMA : OSCAR MAKEOVER!

Six Days to Virtual Oscars!

Oh yes girlfriends, I am on a mission: I need to be red hot ready for the Virtual Oscars.

6 days to go… and counting.

Not much time remains to get this ‘ole body smokin’ hot. I am not desperate. Not yet!

The Face

As we all know, cosmetics can do only so much to camouflage an aging face. I am preachin’ to the choir girlfriends!

Let’s face it (no pun intended) to conceal, hide, those lines under your eyes. The makeup gets caked into those crevices, and it looks like the Mojave desert.

Screw that. I have an appointment today at my dermatologist, Dr. Karyn Grossman. Let’s all join hands in a prayer circle that she can make those lines vanish.

At least for 4–6 months according to the disclaimer on the filler.

The Physique

I rode 35 miles on my spin bike this morning and worked out with weights. Did it make a dent? HELL NO! I am just not on par with Nicole, Jennifer, Halle, blah, blah, blah.

The Celebrity Fitness Trainer

Despite working out 2 hours a day, I must be doing something wrong. I can’t get rid of that muffin top.

Come on girlfriends, you know what I am referring to. Those handles that flank my stomach — there is no love there. I will need a full body Spanx to smooth out every lump and bump on this flawed body to fit into my TJ Maxx red carpet gown.

There is only one person I know who can help me so late in the game: TRACY. She is the GODdess of all fitness trainers! If she can get J. Lo Oscar ready, maybe she can help me. First I need her to respond to my text…

The Dress

The plan is to fit into the Oscar dress. One problem: I love Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream. No will power baby!

Yes, I am training for the Oscars. However, do you think I can just have one teaspoon and put the cover back on? HELL NO!

You betcha! I eat half a container at one clip! And why not? I rode 35 miles on the spin bike! I earned it!

The Photographer

It is the Oscars! I need a photoshoot! I could ask my husband to take a few pics- I DON’T THINK SO!

I am going to ask a professional photographer, my friend Franz Walderdorff. He works with beautiful models and actors who have thousands of followers on Instagram.

Although, Franz might say ‘no’, for fear I will crack his camera lens.

No worries. Y’all know that won’t happen. I need a true professional to capture the essence of moi, Gay. We are talkin’ about the virtual Oscars!

Stay tuned. So, few days left to prepare for the Virtual Oscars…

WAITLISTED: COLLEGE ADMISSIONS

NO CRYBABIES ALLOWED!

CALL TO ACTION!

Tell your kid to stop crying and get their ass out of bed. If your kid was waitlisted at a college that they really, really, really want to attend, everyone on this team needs to be proactive!

Yes, some students get pulled off the waitlist. It happens. I know for a fact it does. But (of course there is a ‘but’), getting off a waitlist is akin to a magic trick. Not so easy to pull that rabbit out of a hat.

This year will be slim to no chance due to that thing called COVID.

The Waitlist

The college waitlist is akin to being the understudy to a play. Yes, you are qualified for admission, however, an offer for admission is predicated upon the availability of first year seats.

Each application cycle, Admissions sends out regular decision acceptances that when combined with Early Decision Acceptances, exceed the allotment of first year seats. Why? Because not every student accepts admission.

1. When a college admissions office sends out regular decision notices, accepted students typically have one month to accept or reject an offer of admission.

2. Many colleges require waitlisted students to notify admissions if they will accept their spot on the waitlist.

3. Colleges typically do not look at the waitlist until after accepted students submit their admission decision.

4. Waitlist movement is based on how many students accepted admission.

How to Play the Waitlist

The waitlist game clock starts ticking when a student receives their waitlist notification.

If a student wants to attend the college they are waitlisted at, they must get their act together fast. They have less than one month to do so!

Waitlist Must Do List

1. Write a letter to the Dean of Undergraduate Admissions and the Regional Officer of Admissions.

2. The letter is critical: The student must convey this is their number one choice college and if accepted, would attend.

3. Since the regular decision application was submitted, if the student has received any awards, acknowledged recognition for achievement, or accomplished something extraordinary, the student must provide this supplemental information in the letter.

4. Students must maintain a high GPA — grades matter!

5. The only person that is permitted to advocate on behalf of the student via telephone is the Guidance Counselor. Under no circumstances can the student and/or family call Admissions.

Waitlist Prediction Class 2025

Let’s cut to the chase. In previous years, there could be movement on a waitlist. However, at top colleges there could be little to no movement off the list for the Class of 2025.

This year is unique due to COVID. In my opinion, there are several reasons why there will be little to no movement off the waitlist for the Class of 2025. And I do acknowledge this is really too bad for disappointed students.

Why will there be little to no movement off the waitlist this year?

1. More accepted students from class of 2024 deferred to the first year Class of 2025.

2. Not as many students accepted to multiple top colleges for Class of 2025.

3. Historic low Early Decision Regular Decision rates Class 2025.

The Plan

The graduating high school senior must have a plan to proceed. Take the waitlist with a grain of salt this year. Pat yourself on the back for making it on the waitlist, yes, you are indeed qualified to attend.

However, you need to look beyond the waitlist at your current opportunities. Meaning, what colleges are you accepted to, and which is your best choice to attend?

Colleges have enrollment deadlines, usually by May 1. All students ought to review with parents, college and guidance counselors the best choice college for them to accept admission. A non-refundable deposit will be required to secure this acceptance.

Take a deep breathe. This has been an unprecedented challenging year. Be proud of your accomplishments and keep going forward.

Cheers!

For additional insight on the college admissions process, please check out my book on Amazon!

RED HOT MAMA: OSCAR MOVES!

Oscar Countdown!

The countdown to the Oscars has started! Nine days to go!

As I live and breathe in Beverly Hills, the Oscars is the news of the day! Yes, talk of the Oscars trumps topics such as perfect LA weather; perfect personal appearance; the best salad; and how many new Rolls Royce SUVs were spotted in town today.

I will be attending the show ‘virtually’ this year! I am so excited, I could literally run-down Rodeo Drive with my mask off!

So much to do, so little time! I don’t know about you girlfriends, but I am going to be so red-hot that I will be the envy of Nicole, J-Lo, Khloe, blah, blah blah. Just wait till they see all my selfies on Instagram.

Oh wait, they won’t. I only have 3 followers. No tears; can’t a girl dream?

The Catwalk

I am a bona-fide klutz. The GODdess (the divine heavenly ruler), may have blessed me with natural beauty, however, gracefulness is not one of my strengths.

Walking into walls, sliding across slick floors in high heels is more my speed. Fear not! I have been practicin’ in my living room in these ‘gotta have it’ 4-inch stilettos. You betcha baby, I am not playin’ games. I pulled out the Jimmy Choo heels for this occasion.

The good news is that I have not fallen down…yet. Mind you, these are slippery floors. When I practice my strut on my pretend catwalk, I mutter to myself, “Gay, take baby steps”.

Make-up

This my friends, is a totally different story. Really. What can I do with this face? What are my beauty options after wearing a mask for over a year?

On Monday, I will be visiting my dermatologist Dr. Karyn Grossman. Word in the hood is that she is the beauty doctor to the stars. I have seen her for years, even though I am clearly not a star.

And I must say, she is a magician. She can make a line on your face disappear. Like OMG, wow!

What a waste going to law school. I Should have been a dermatologist. Instead of hosting dinner parties and cooking for my fully vaccinated friends, I could serve Botox and Juvéderm. Maybe then I could have more followers on social media?

Physique AKA: Body

Well, hello. With only 9 days to go to be Oscar ready, there is not too much time to flatten that stomach, lift that tush, push-up those tits.

Oh wait, I don’t have tits. Hallelujah for Victoria Secret super-padded-push-up-give-me tits bra.

Stay tuned for my RED HOT MAMA catwalk preparation. This is a multi-part series! Miracles do not happen overnight in Gay’s World!

ANGELS TO RESCUE CLASS 2025 COLLEGE APPLICANTS! NOT!

Tough Times for Angels

Oy vey! Bless their souls! Angels were tasked with the job of shepherding the class of 2025 college applicants through the admissions process this year.

Hundreds of thousands of high school seniors and their parents around the world called upon their guardian angels to help get accepted to their top choice college.

The big ASK this year was to get the golden ticket to an Ivy league college, Duke, Stanford, MIT, blah blah blah.

Bedtime Prayers

As we all know by now, this college admissions cycle was a ballbuster. Everyone was praying to the head honcho in heaven. You know who, the almighty, Queen of the Universe, HER! A.K.A. The GODdess.

Parents cried and prayed to HER over their chilled martinis at breakfast, lunch and dinner. They literally begged the GODdess, to get their child accepted to a top college.

High school seniors prayed only at night. Mind you their prayer time was a brief ‘shout out’ to the heavens. They were too busy texting and facetiming with friends, or binge watching a show on Netflix to reach out to HER. The applicants, our future, prioritized their ‘likes’ on social media over Harvard. Smart — they were the only ones who knew there was no chance in hell this year for an acceptance to a top college.

Admissions officers prayed during the day, when they were at work, to help them read tens of thousands of college applications. Let’s face it. You read one application; you’ve read them all.

The SAT/ACT tutors held hands in a zoom prayer session. Tutors begged HER to reinstate the standardized test requirement for admission to college for next year’s application cycle 2021–2022.

Angel Army Deployed!

The Queen of the Universe knew this was going to be the year of all years, where multiples of tens of thousands of overzealous applicants and parents wanted that admission to an elite college.

Blame this stampede on top colleges on COVID, which caused most colleges to go ‘Test Optional’ this year. Whatever.

What else is new in college admissions. The uptick in applications to top colleges has been increasing exponentially every new admissions cycle. Now we can say there is a ‘reason’!

The telephone calls and emails to heaven were crashing the G-O-D network on a daily basis.

Hey, the Queen of the Universe had more important concerns to address. I don’t know. Perhaps a pandemic and matters of life and death trump college admissions.

However, for the GODdess, no ‘ask’ is too outrageous. No ‘want’ is too big. SHE summoned the angels and tasked them with the responsibility of answering everyone’s admissions prayers.

Angel Assistance Hotline!

And Oh, my GODdess! As day became night, and night because day, the angels were crisscrossing the globe answering prayers. Unfortunately, the demand for guardian angels this college admissions cycle was akin to people hopelessly trying to find Charmin toilet paper.

Simple prayers quickly became cries for help. The need for angel assistance created significant staffing issues in heaven.

What was an angel to do? Send an email to the Queen of the Universe and ask for help.

Emergency Meeting with Deans of Admissions

Desperate times called for desperate measures. SHE summoned a zoom meeting with the Deans of Undergraduate Admissions at every elite U.S. College.

SHE cut to the chase. You betcha! The GODdess ticked off a list of reasons she believed created the current admissions mess:

1. U.S. World News & Report Annual College Rankings.

2. Every college reporting their annual admissions rate for acceptance.

3. Every elite and top college raising the bar for admission.

4. Every elite and top college creating an aura of exclusivity to attend their school.

5. Every top college improving food served at dining halls akin to a food court in an upscale mall.

6. Every top college upgrading dorm rooms to provide not only the comforts of home, but that of a five-star hotel.

7. And last but not least… as the result of creating all of the above, top colleges became massive corporations and relied not only on high tuition but needed large donations to keep this machine running.

The Dean’s Collective Response

Think about it for a moment. What could they say? “We’re sorry?”.

The Deans only run admissions at their respective schools and make the admissions decisions.

In truth, the Deans were not pleased with how this application cycle unfolded.

No Dean Could Predict:

  1. How COVID-19 would affect college admissions.
  2. How the introduction of a future COVID vaccine rollout would impact admissions.
  3. Anticipate the explosion of admissions at each top college due to the eventual end of a pandemic and standardized test-optional status.

As the 2020–2021 admissions regular decisions were being released, the Deans collectively recognized the hardships that all students endured during this pandemic. And, once again, were simply amazed at the amount of smart and talented students who applied en masse to their respective colleges.

However, the Deans lamented there were not enough freshman first year seats to accommodate all these applicants. Believe it or not, it is difficult for them to ‘turn away’ (a softer word for ‘reject’), thousands of applicants who are qualified to attend their school.

In fact, the Deans are just mere mortals, they are not a GODdess.

Regular Decision 2020–2021

As everyone knows by now, admissions this year has been a total shiat show. Relative to the total number of applicants, no one was accepted. Extremely disheartening to the qualified and compelling applicant. Sad but true.

Where are the Angels Now?

Where else would you expect these loyal angels, who aspired to answer each and every prayer and plea for help. The GODdess granted them a few weeks of R&R.

The Future of College Admissions

Let us pray. The only hope for a reduced ‘normal’ sized applicant pool is to require standardized tests for admission.

Test optional schools in theory is fair, particularly for those students who cannot afford the high costs of test prep. However, an admissions requirement of test optional, as we have witnessed this year, results in more unqualified students vying for an acceptance where one would normally be beyond reach.

Hopefully, next year’s admission cycle at top colleges will return to a more ‘normal’ level of applications. This will be accomplished by qualified and compelling applicants submitting standardized test scores for admission.

Lastly, the no-chance-in-hell student should not apply to a college that is totally out of reach. All applicants must have reasonable expectations when applying to a top college. Know the admissions requirements BEFORE applying!

Cheers!

For additional insight on the college admissions process, please check out my book on Amazon!