GOIN’ COMMANDO IN THE HAMPTONS!

THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART III

OMG! I actually did it! Yes! For the first time… evah!

It was with tremendous trepidation that I exposed myself in public. So, daring! So Brave!

I took my mask off when I was at Costco this week!

Sorry to Disappoint!

Hold up cowgirl! Did you actually think for one moment that I, Gay, would evah take my bra off in the olive oil aisle at Costco and go commando? Shame on you! I would never do such a thing! Not this prude!

Well, what can I say? Time’s a changin’ these days. My spiritual advisor Dr. Fauci says fully vaccinated people can take off their masks. FYI, masks only; not underwear. I’m vaccinated, so I shall take that mask off!

Senior Wanna Be…

I go to Costco weekly. Even stop off at home depot after that wild shopping excursion. I know. So exciting for a sexy mama like me who lives in the Hamptons. Wow, what a lifestyle.

To be clear, I go to Costco first thing in the morning. Yes, as soon as they open. I hate shopping with crowds of people.

Costco Senior Hours

As a result of COVID-19, some Costco stores created early shopping hours for seniors only. So sweet, right? This way all the alte kakers (Yiddish phrase for old people), can shop amongst themselves and be ‘safe’.

During the pandemic, it is a fact that I attempted to shop at Costco when it was open only for seniors. If you know me honey, that is not a surprise!

Of course, you know what happened next… A Costco guard threw my skinny, underage ass off the line because I was NOT an alte kaker. And NO! I did not lie my age and say I was 72!

Oh, the shame of it all! Nah… I sucked it up and just waited another hour to get into the lousy store.

You betcha baby. I needed a fake ID to get into Costco! The good news is that as more people get vaccinated, Costco keeps lowering the age to shop during Senior hours; from age 70 to now age 60. Whoopee!

Fast forward to this week. Sure. I go back to Costco, during Senior hours. If y’all know me, I just can’t help myself trying to buck the system!

This time was different. I had a plan to breach security. I prepared a checklist of “to do’s” before I even approached the pearly gates to Costco.

1. Wear mask and cover entire face.

2. Wear sunglasses.

3. Wear baseball hat.

4. Be prepared to lie my age.

Entry to Costco

I am suited up and ready for action to breach the security blockade. I am sincerely trying to look old. Ain’t that a joke my sistah’s! I am the last person who wants to get old. But for purposes of getting into Costco during Senior hours, I will try my best to ‘give the appearance’ of an ‘older person; (whatever that is).

I am hiding behind my shopping cart and present my Costco card to get into the store. Now mind you, I don’t have an ounce of fat on me; I do not have crepe skin; and I color my hair.

STOP! HALT!

Like really? It is as if I am trying to get passed border patrol. Yada yada yada, The sentry guard at Costco gives me the spiel on senior hours, and finally said ‘you have to be 60 and over to get in’.

Great news! I am 57. Close enough! Although, for moment, I almost fainted just thinking I was only three years away from that ‘old lady age’. Oy vey. Mama Mia. Help!

Just to be clear. That momentary lapse did not, in any way, deter me from wanting to get into that store at that very moment.

The Stalinesque guard finally stopped reading the Costco Senior Hour Riot Act . I responded to her, and quickly said ‘no problem!’. I looked at her in the eyes (with my polarized Prada Sunglasses), and proudly stated I was 60! I started to push my cart into the store.

Ha! I rendered that guard speechless…she looked at me jaw-dropped. True. No kiddin’! I ran into that store in my tight work-out clothes! Ta Ta! Adios!

The Act of Un-Masking

To be clear, I wore my mask when I was shopping. However, I did notice some people did not wear a mask. How odd! My first thought? Who were these people? Who was their leader? Do we share the same belief system? Are we from the same planet?

I got nervous for a second. Then I realized we all must follow the same spiritual leader, who said it was ok to not wear a mask if you are fully vaccinated.

Whew! I am cool with this.

And then, just like that, it happened. In the rice and beans section, I dropped my mask. I was waiting for something, anything to happen.

Nothin’ Happened.

Nope, nada happened. Now keep in mind, I was shopping with seniors at a Costco. What? Do you think an 80 something year old is going to swack me on the back of my head with cane and yell at me? Maybe for taking the last jar of pitted olives on sale.

As a matter of fact, some of my fellow ‘Senior’ Costco members were maskless. Can you imagine? Now I was jaw-dropped.

What next? Will Seniors be goin’ commando?

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