THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART VIII!
…Continued from Yesterday.
Y’all may recall yesterday’s article concluded with a cliffhanger. I was going to call my friend Tracy, AKA ‘The GODdess’, to politely beg her to find a spot for me in her class this weekend.
Of course, I scored a spot in her Saturday class! Now what do I do?
Praise the GODdess for pityin’ this poor, agin’ fool! Hallelujah sistahs! Tracy will save me from Mama Nature and Daddy Time!
To be clear, that is not a photo of me. That stunning photograph is of my friend, Tracy Anderson. Tracy posted this goddess-like photograph of herself on her Instagram page a few weeks ago.
What? You actually thought that is moi??? My word! Bless your heart… y’all be too kind! Come on now, I am way taller than Tracy.
But Paleeze, don’t make me laugh…because this will set off an uncontrollable chain reaction of bodily functions (I’ll pee in my pants, blah blah blah)! You know the drill sistahs. Never leave home without a Poise Pad!
The truth is, I gasped when I saw that pic.
Oy! My girlfriends… I ask y’all…how is it humanly possible for a sistah to look like that? On my best day, I never looked like that. So sad, shed a tear for Gay.
I called her, and said “Tracy, like OMG! I need this photo! I want to make it into a poster and put it on my wall”. NOT! Just kidding!
But really, like Oh my GODdess! Tracy earned that rockin’ hot mama bod. She is the real deal.
I Want A Six-Pack This Summer!
You betcha baby! Gay’s goin’ for gold this summer! I want a six-pack and a tight arse! And I don’t mean no Budweiser (which I never drank, by the by).
What? Did you just say?? Do ya think I am too old to have a hot rockin’ mama body?
How dare you biatch! Shame, shame, shame on you!
In Gay’s World, we can do ANYTHING! I think I can, I know I can!
I have a plan. Get outta my way biatches!
The chicks who fly in from Miami, LA, and NYC to attend her classes, are total devotees of her workout. They all have incredible bods. It is one thing when I body shame myself in writing. It’s another thing when I am actually in Tracy’s studio standin’ alongside the other hot mamas. And trust me, they be smokin’ hot.
OMG! I just realized I will work out in a room full of people. To be real, I have not worked out with other people in almost two years.
Like what was I thinking? I am going to be in a studio with other hot mamas who are a huffin’ and a puffin’ and a sweatin’! Eeeeew! Eeeeck! Totally COVID gross! Oh wait! Post-COVID baby! Vaccinated People only!
I shan’t shame myself in public! I will probably be the oldest hot mama in the studio!
I simply cannot ‘show up’ unprepared and not in shape!
Believe me my sistahs when I say that it can be quite the challenge to keep up with the GODdess and her followers in an advanced class.
You betcha baby that tight arse is earned! It is not a ‘gimme’ to have a hot bod after age 30. Don’t we all know about that cruel reality that sistah!
Last but not least, what shall I wear? Word! I have to play the role of the smokin’ hot mama! Not only will have to wear color-coordinated workout clothes, but they best be tight as hell to hold in my bloated stomach! Appearance is everything baby!
Practice! Practice! Practice!
Like really? I have three days to prepare for my first live in-person class. Today was day one of Tracy’s online studio program, where I took the hardest, most challenging advanced class. Of course, I did.
What was I thinkin’ girlfriends? All I can say, is oy vey.
Word! Do I have a lot of work to do before Saturday! I will be training in my DOJO alone, where, moaning, groaning and accidental fart slippage is permissible. At my age, what can you do?
Let’s see if I will be ready for the live in-person Saturday class. I pray the other sistahs will ‘look away’!
To be continued…