HAPPY ONE YEAR COVID ANNIVERSARY!

The one-year anniversary of COVID is fast approaching. Time certainly flies when you are having fun.

Prior to COVID, I thought words such as ‘lockdown’ and ‘quarantine’ were used only in movies or soap operas. Go figure the headline for the lost year of 2020 would be ‘Life imitating Art’ .

As I prepare to celebrate this hallowed event, I would like to speak on behalf of the unsung heroes of COVID. Yes, the forgotten people. The MOMS.

Remember us? We are not essential workers. We are the workers of COVID.

Moms are the backbone of the fairy-tale called A Wonderful COVID life. Where is the thank you from our fellow quarantine family pod members for normalizing lockdown and making forever COVID quarantine memories?

Speaking on behalf of all MOMS, the working conditions we have been subjected to have been abhorrent. I am confident that labor laws were violated. Yeah right, I know the drill. Send a grievance to your local politician or tell it to the Judge.

For the past year, MOMS ran a hotel and diner, replete with all you-can-eat buffet, and free laundry service. I am not great at math, however, based on my calculations, I prepared in excess of 1,095 meals, baked over 730 baguettes of daily corona bread and 250 pizzas (yes from scratch), cleaned toilets more than 1,460 times, and washed 2,920 pairs of socks and underwear.

I question why I ever went to law school. Too bad I missed the class ‘how to clean toilets’. Stupid me... I thought it was more important to study Criminal Trial Advocacy so I could become a prosecutor.

The Point of This Story: The Bitching and Moaning of Physical Decay.

Recently, like a few days ago, I caught my reflection in the 15X magnifying bathroom mirror. Simply horrifying! I was aghast at what I had become. A dried up, 56-year-old menopausal woman.

I had no idea when this happened during COVID. Perhaps I was too busy cooking and cleaning for everyone, that I just never looked at myself this past year. Too bad, so sad for me. Ignorance was truly bliss.

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I told my husband I must go to my Dermatologist, for Botox and fillers. He had the gall to reply, ‘why bother, just get a bigger mask’. Such an insensitive oaf. And he uttered those loving words on Valentine’s weekend. But he was correct. I looked for a mask similar to what the lone ranger wore, you know, to cover my eyes. Unfortunately, it was not Halloween.

Thankfully, there was good news. The second COVID lockdown in Beverly Hills was recently lifted, and people slowly emerged from their mansions.

And holy shit!

Word on these gilded streets is that the second stay-at-home order took a physical and emotional toll on the ‘toney’ people of Beverly Hills.

I am not one to talk, however, I hear from my girlfriends that people are now showing their age post lockdownYou guessed it! This is so tragic!

I took great comfort in knowing I was not the only person who looked like shit and certainly not the only person who sacrificed their beauty for their family. So cool to be a martyr.

Misery loves company, and I was relieved that I would not have to walk around Beverly Hills with a COVID bag over my head.

I know what you are thinking. You are such a Bitch! True. However, thank god I was not the only COVID train wreck!

Appearance in Beverly Hills is everything. Seriously, if you do not have your looks, your beauty, you have nothing. Perhaps superficial to some, but in this town, great hair, flawless skin, high cheek bones, big tits, firm ass and tight abs is what matters most in life.

I even heard that for the first time, self-care was at an all-time low. How low? People were not getting Brazilian bikini waxes. Talk about gross! Wow, those were tough times. Salons and spas were closed. What was a girl to do? Let it grow!

Wait! Stop the presses! What is a vagina? Has anyone looked down there during COVID?

Hitting rock bottom for me was a year without wearing makeup or jeans. Honestly, I never realized that a little bit of foundation, concealer and mascara camouflaged signs of aging. Who knew?

It is fair to say that MOMS worked so hard this year. Is it so much to ask our family, our ‘quarantine pod’ to kiss the ground we walk on? At a minimum, I would settle for a foot or back massage. Can someone throw me a bone please to show the love?

Better yet, MOMS will accept as a ‘thank you’, cash, Venmo, and/or gift card towards a total beauty makeover, and clothing stylist for starters!

All joking aside, the serious moral to this funny story, as we ‘celebrate’ the one-year anniversary of COVID, it is incumbent upon us to acknowledge a few things.

Five COVID Anniversary Acknowledgements

1. Pause for a moment to reflect on the lives lost to COVID and express our condolences to the those who have lost loved ones.

2. Be compassionate towards those who have suffered from the long-term effects of COVID.

3. Continue to wear a mask.

4. Wear two masks to really stop the spread of COVID.

5. Get a vaccine.

Let us end this ground hog day together. I cannot celebrate a second COVID Anniversary. I will need a face lift by then.

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