Where are my gowns? I need my Jimmy Choo stilettos! Bring me my diamonds! Have you seen my fake tits?

It is awards season in Beverly Hills! Time to Party! Just one small problem. I never get invited to those ‘swanky’ celebrity shin digs. So sad to be a nobody.

This year is different! There will be no fancy schmancy parties, no canoodling over cocktails. No red-carpet parades of the beautiful Hollywood stars dressed in the latest and greatest haute couture. No nothin’ due to COVID.

All is not lost, girlfriends! After watching the not so mesmerizing Golden Globes virtual award show, it is a no brainer that everyone can attend these shows this year. Even me.

Hell yeah! I scored make-believe tickets to the Oscars. In fact, scoring make-believe tickets to a virtual show is easier than getting an appointment for a COVID vaccine on Long Island, NY.

You betcha! I received my make-believe invitation, rsvp’d, and I am attending! GAY is going, and in GAY’s world, I am the new Hollywood starlet on the block!

For the first time, ever, I get to walk down a red carpet. I plan to personalize my Oscar moment. I will transform my galley kitchen into a red-carpet runway. I found a great red rug on, and it fits perfectly between the kitchen sink and the stove.

My husband and sons will be the paparazzi, and they will all be elbowing each other to not only get a glimpse of me as I prance past the refrigerator but will do anything to catch a photo of me walking past the oven. My neighbor Linda will be screaming my name in hopes of getting my autograph.

My attire will be flawless. I still do not have a gown yet, but I am not concerned. I have been scouring the aisles at T.J. Maxx for weeks now, in search of that amazing designer gown.

You know it, sister. I am a true T.J. Maxx Maxxinista and am obsessed with finding that $2,000 gown marked down to $149. My mantra is ‘I think I can, I know I can find that deal and have a ‘Maxx moment’!

I ask you girls; don’t you love that adrenaline rush when you find a bargain??

If I cannot find a new dress, there is always Plan B. I will have to suck it up and wear a dress I wore to one of my son’s Bar Mitzvah’s from ten years ago. This could pose a serious fashion faux pax: would anyone know that I wore this dress before? I would be mortified if anyone knew…

Things to do before I attend the Oscars: Hair, make-up, lose ten pounds, and find that dress!

Stay tuned…

Leave a Reply