Introducing The COVID Body Condom

How to Survive Los Angeles During a Pandemic

Meet the new face and reigning Queen of COVID-19, Los Angeles.

Why is LA Queen? Why not! LA is the current epicenter of the pandemic. For a second time during COVID, LA and Southern California are once again forced to live under a ‘stay at home order’. Indoor/outdoor dining, live entertainment, the arts, are all closed, and fashion has ghosted LA.

Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills typically mirrors a runway of beautiful people bedazzled in the most fabulous designer clothes. During COVID, sweatpants and tee shirts have trumped designer labels. What has become of us?

LA is where the beautiful, glamorous people live. Our motto is ‘lookin’ good, feelin’ good’. These days, people look like shit, and you get the rest.

Fear not! All is not lost; hope has supplemented despair. The beautiful people of LA can once again strut along the streets of Beverly Hills with heads held high covered in full COVID protective gear!

The Body Condom has taken LA by storm and is currently the new rage on the Left Coast! The LA fashion world has embraced the body condom as Avant Garde, considered to be a ‘must have’ fashion staple during COVID. Even though most of the state is under a ‘stay at home order’, the clothing stores are open, and body condoms are flying off the shelves.

Fashionable people desire more during COVID. And why not!

In LA, one out of five people test positive for COVID, every one minute ten people are diagnosed with COVID, and every eight minutes a person dies from COVID. With statistics like that, a person cannot be too careful venturing outside without proper protective gear. The COVID infection rate is so high in LA, that everyone wears their condom.

The body condom is the first of its kind to not only offer protection against COVID, but to give the consumer the freedom they have been aching for to make a fashion statement.

The body condom is made right here in the heart of LA, yes the U.S. of A. Once again, good ole’ American ingenuity is at the forefront of creating innovative attire fit for a pandemic.

Despite it being January, this is sunny and warm southern California. The body condom is versatile because it is light weight and comes with a hood, gloves, mask, booties and protective shield. In fact, it has a UV rating of 50, so there is no need to wear sunscreen. An American Flag is emblazoned on the back panel of the suit, in support of patriots, liberty and justice for all.

The hood is considered a ‘must have’. Once again, hair salons are closed in LA, and no one is showing off coiffed hair. Sadly, women and men (this is LA), are not getting their hair colored, so the hood is an ingenious way to conceal your ‘roots’ when you are out for a stroll or dashing off to the grocery store.

In addition, the matching mask is considered by many fashion divas to be the climax of this outfit. The mask is made out of rare sheep skin, so it gives the wearer the ability during COVID to feel natural and not be constrained. We respect our constitutional American rights of freedom, which is guaranteed to every condom user.

Even Trojans have been spotted marching around LA in their condoms blowing their horns to celebrate the versatility of this product.

Seriously folks, COVID is no joking matter. I desperately need to laugh, because the pandemic in LA is that scary, sad, and truly overwhelming. Life and death become REAL when the health care system in Los Angeles County issues a directive to ambulances not to bring patients who suffer from any medical condition to hospitals who have virtually no chance of survival, because the medical system is on the verge of collapse due to COVID.

My writing is not a platform to debate the existence of COVID, or the wearing of masks. I write for my own sanity; not to preach to a choir.

All I want is a vaccine, which for whatever reason, the Queen of COVID, LA County, is not administering to the general public. The best we can do is wear condoms.

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