Smelly Feet? Schweatty Balls? A Maui Vacation!

Paradise in Maui!

Smelly Feet? Schweatty Balls?

Maui is a natural oasis. Beautiful flowers. Spectacular waterfalls. Breathtaking sunsets.

Total Zen.

Our arrival to Maui was flawless. Airplane was right on time. Rental car was brand new. Drive to Hotel was fast. Arrived several hours early to hotel check-in, and the room was ready. Incredible.

Oh, and that room! High floor, sweeping ocean views, more square footage than a NYC apartment!

Late lunch was delicious. Pool side was heaven.

What more could a girl ask for? Oy. As the mamas say at the Mahjong table, don’t ask.

The Smell!

Somethin’ was rotten in Maui… at least in the master bedroom of this magnificent condo.

I noticed a ‘smell’ wafting from the master bedroom. Definitely not Chanel No. 5.

At first, we could not place that smell. Oh, and by the by, yes, I have a terrible stomach. However, I can assure you I was not the culprit of that odor!

Smelly Feet?

In truth, we just unpacked from a long flight, and at first sniff, the odor had a hint of ‘smelly feet.’ I literally was smelling ‘gently worn’ socks. Not long snorts, just a quick sniff.

You know it sistahs, just what you want to do upon your arrival in Maui.

Well, no one had smelly feet or socks or shoes. What a relief. Right?

I poo-pooed the smell (no pun intended). Thought we just needed to open the sliding glass doors to let in fresh air.

Several hours transpired, and a reasonable person would have believed the master bedroom was successfully ‘aired out.’

Cold Shower

Well…oh my gawd girlfriends. Don’t get me started! Then again, y’all know me.

I am not one to complain, but it would have been nice to have a hot shower. Not too much to ask for. Like, hello, this mama does not prefer, but wants, a hot shower.

Do you kinda get the feelin’ this hotel condo was all downhill from this point?

After I took my cold shower, I went into the bedroom to dress for dinner. And I was overwhelmed with a sickening odor. Damn! What was that smell?!

Clearly, airing out the room did not work.

Odor Patrol

I simply could not define that odor! What was it? Really smelled like sweaty feet; but was not. Oh, I know! Schweatty balls! That’s it! The room smelled like a locker room! Ah ha!

And so began the calls to the Front Desk, Housekeeping, and…the Hotel Manager.

The Front Desk

And the call went like this: ‘Hello, I have two issues. First, no hot water in my shower.’ The front desk person, politely apologized, and said ‘there is a problem with the hot water heaters. All of them.’

Well then, okey dokey. The solution: Grin and bear it. But really, she gave a little ‘chuckle,’ said ‘they were being fixed, and hoped to be repaired by the next day.’

Then I said, ‘My second issue is that my bedroom smells like smelly feet and schweatty balls; it really does.’

And the reply? Silence at first. Sistahs, think for a moment…how does a hotel employee respond to this select choice of words that I used to characterize this problem?

Surely, the front desk person thought I was out-of-my-mind.

Pardon Moi. Girlfriends, am I asking too much? A mama is entitled to a hot shower, and a room free from eau de parfum schweatty balls.

Oy vey. Clearly, that conversation was goin’ nowhere. I requested to speak to the Hotel Manager.

Hold your hats, we be goin’ for a ride!

The Hotel Manager

Poor guy. He never had a chance. I had him at ‘hello.’

Ask yourself: Was he blindsided by my call? Probably.

Did this Manager believe my accusation that the room smelled like schweatty balls? I don’t know. Although, he did laugh and remember the SNL skit! He said he would examine the matter. Not the balls, the odor.

Face to Face Meeting

As a skilled attorney, I prefer to discuss topics such as schweatty balls face to face. Once again, no pun intended.

I schlepped my skinny arse to the front desk, and asked to speak to my new friend, Manager Number 1. Oh, there will be another Manager that got pulled into this drama.

The housekeeping inspection confirmed the room smelled. What a relief! See… I told the truth!

But where was the smell coming from? The carpet? The armoire? The bed? The Manager winced at the bed option, which I agree is kinda gross.

Now it is Manager Number One’s turn to tell the truth. Or at least to start revealing some truthful details. Apparently, the condo sustained ‘some water damage’ from the Epic Storm that slammed Maui a few days prior to our arrival. The wall-to-wall carpeting in the Master Bedroom ‘got a little wet.’

The Remedy

The Manager deemed it best to clean the rug to get rid of the schweatty balls odor. Ok, maybe that will work. I am ‘up’ for that.

Masking the Problem

The rug was cleaned with a ‘cleaner/deodorizer/schweatty balls remover’ when we were at dinner.

Talk about making a bad situation worse.

The moldy carpeting was now doused with chemicals. And again, not smellin’ like a bouquet of roses. I wanted to go to bed with not a COVID mask, but with a gas mask.

Room Change

Here we go. Manager Number One is not working the next day. Meet Manager Number Two. He had a great idea…change your room.

Sistahs, this hot mama is on a very high floor. The only room available is on the third floor.

The nerve! I shan’t stay on a low floor.

Finally The Truth!

Once again, I schlepped to the front desk to talk to Manager Number Two.

Poor guy. My sharp cross-examination skills had him confess to the real issue. When the epic storm hit Maui, the room we were assigned at check-in, was not secured for the storm. At that time, the room was vacant, and the sliding glass doors were not locked. The master bedroom was soaked from the storm.

Last Ditch Effort

Other than ripping out the carpet, Manager Two worked with Hotel Engineers to dry out the rug and eradicate the odor.


Mission accomplished! Finally, I can breathe. Not perfect, but no mo’ schweatty balls and smelly feet!

The Concierge

Bless the Concierge. They keep leaving me messages. They want to welcome me back to the hotel and to stop by their desk to pick up their complimentary beach bag.


Maui baby!

You guessed it! We are goin’ to Maui! Like OMG! So exciting!

It has been so long since we have been on a real family vacation!

Excuse me? So sorry, I believe I did not hear y’all correctly. Living in a pandemic lockdown with your family is NOT a vacation. At least it was not for me; the laundry, the meals, the toilet washing, the scrubbing of the shower walls with a mop… ah, the good ‘ole family bonding days.

Oy vey! Dahling, don’t get me started.


Surprised I am taking a vacation? Like duh, I know there is still a pandemic. I know the COVID numbers are rising all over the country.

But wait. When I was in Arizona for Thanksgiving, there was no pandemic. So odd. Right? Scouts honor. No one wore a mask; masks were not required to do anything. Didn’t even have to show a vaccine card to dine inside a restaurant. They are so lucky.

As a matter of fact, when I did wear a mask inside a restaurant, I could swear I saw someone go for their gun. Well, you know, Arizona is an ‘open carry’ state. Talk about feelin’ like the odd one out. Not because I did not carry a gun, but because I wore a mask. It was like I was from Mars or something.

Well, not Mars, just drove in from Los Angeles.

It is amazing how COVID is only in certain areas, of certain states in this country, not to mention the rest of the world. Arizona must be protected by a dome, like the ones you see in movie or a tv show. I just don’t know.

COVID Dice Roll

As the first round of COVID vaccines were rolling out this year, we were dreamin’ of Maui.

Planning a COVID vacation is akin to askin’ yourself, “do I feel lucky today?” Sure, in February, I kinda felt COVID lucky.

I just received my second COVID shot, and life was starting to look pretty, pretty, pretty good.

I thought COVID would be in my rear-view mirror by December. Yes, I thought the pandemic would be over soon. Hey, can’t a mama dream?

So, I threw caution to the win, and rolled the COVID dice. I am such the risk taker. Always seeking adventure!

I did what any fully vaccinated person would do…plan a trip to Hawaii! And no, I did not buy COVID trip insurance; COVID was supposed to be over in a few months.

Wait a second. I betcha an unvaccinated person in a place where there was ‘no COVID’, was planning the same trip! So cool!


In February, even though travel to Hawaii was closed to tourists, I was not the only person who had the brilliant idea to go to Hawaii in December.

Goodness, gracious! Many hotels were almost fully booked. In fact, Christmas week was sold-out. Hello, this was only February.

The race was on! I rented a condo; bought plane tickets; and rented a car. And by the by, I nearly fainted when I learned the cost of a rental car. I could buy a new car for that price. Sure, the car rental companies all cried the COVID song. Boo hoo. Low inventory; shortage of cars. Yeah, right. Cry me a river Avis.


By May, the entire family was fully vaccinated. Thank you Pfizer. Life was good. We could all breathe a sigh of relief.

And then came the Variants, christened with Greek names. Delta and now Omicron, a new one that you can catch a second time. COVID is really akin to shiat on a shoe. It just doesn’t go away.

The thought that COVID was over, was just a tease. Oy! All I could think about was whether the Hawaii trip was on or off? Did Hawaii ever re-open to tourists? And of course, damn. I did not buy trip insurance.

But wait… then came the third shot — the booster! Life was good again!

Huzzah! The Hawaii trip was back on! Well…it was never off. But, in the wonderful world of COVID, one never knows when a Country closes these days.

COVID Vacations!

COVID vacations are so much fun! Have you ever tried one? They are the new ‘rave’. Everybody is just dying to take a COVID trip. Frankly, just talk of this leaves me breathless.

COVID Travel Plans

Travelling to Hawaii is like travelling to another country. Apparently, Hawaii does have COVID cases. It is not immune to COVID like Arizona or Florida. To step foot in Hawaii you either show proof of a legitimate COVID Vaccine Card, or you must quarantine for a 10-day mandatory period.

You know it sistah! I opted to enroll my family in the Safe Hawaii Travel Program and uploaded our vaccine cards to receive a QR code on our phones to show at the airport.

In addition to packing bathing suits and flip flops, I packed heavy duty masks for the plane, and regular masks for every-day wear. I know, such a forward thinker.

The Airport

It never fails. There are always a few people that just won’t wear their mask in an airport. Hmmm. Are these mask-less people trying to make a point? Is there a specific reason they choose to defy a governmental order that was issued for health and safety purposes?

Oh, I know… they must be immune to COVID. No, I don’t think so. Do they have a health problem that prohibits them from wearing a mask? No, I don’t think so. And no, I did not see them pulling along an oxygen tank. Also, no cane or walker.

Are they making a political statement? I don’t know. Does COVID only infect people who hold specific religious or political beliefs? I don’t think so.

I think COVID is a non-denominational, non-partisan virus that gladly welcomes everyone to their petri-dish Kingdom.

My point: I hope that person is not getting on my plane. But of course, he did.

Stay tuned for Gay’s Maui Adventure!